Rock bottom

I too have felt emotionless when losing large amounts of money, it is when I was in a destructive mood. I found that exercise is a good release for me, not just a bit but exercise that really tires me both emotionally and physically, then the destructive tendencies go away.

This only came to light through councilling and understanding what gambling gave me, what I had to replace.

Everyone is different but I would suggest you seek some professional help, I have never had councilling before but have found it very rewarding and I now know myself a lot better and know that gambling is a choice, you just need the will to keep from doing it.

Good luck in your recovery.

Today was hell. I signed up and then excluded from every single site imaginable. That means, online, I cannot spend a single penny for 5 years. Barrier 1 in place.

I then jumped in my car and proceeded to go around town self excluding from every shop I could think existed. And in the middle of this, something in my brain clicked, and I thought, well one more spin for old times sake. 30 minutes passed...£400 lost. I now have £50 to survive on for 3 weeks. I'll have to skip food, and walk to work.

I know how pathetic I am. Coming on this site and telling you all I have failed once more is humiliating. I thought I was doing a good thing today, putting barriers in place. These actions have cost me another heartbreak. Fortunately, I finished my self exclusion journey, so I don't know of one possible place I could go, where I could get in. Is this it? Is this £400 the best money I've ever spent? It doesn't feel like it at the moment, but maybe somewhere down the line I can look back on this as the turning point.

Yet again, I'm sorry for letting everyone down, including myself. I'm off to frantically scribble down how I can survive on a shoe string budget.

Hello Mask

Few really understand how bad this addiction can get. Gambling can get progressively worse time after time so yes you've lost more money but accepting you might need some help could be a good 1st step to stopping this before it gets much much worse.

It's true. Things can always be worse. Someone mentioned a comparison within a 5 year period of a gambling continued life versus a recovery lifestyle. The results are indeed staggering. That's my incentive. Not the immediate future, but further down the line. There is no quick fix, this will take patience.

I had a dream last night. Two girls were fighting over me and I had to pick one. I picked one, and she turned out to be a murderous maniac. What a strange dream, and I have no idea what it signifies, but it was interesting. I enjoy dreaming, it takes me away from my reality for a while, perhaps the same way gambling does. I need to start focusing on things to improve my life and make my reality one in which I'm happy to be involved in. I hope that makes some sort of sense. The first few days of recovery I always feel the need to scribble down a lot of entries, it helps take my mind off things if nothing else.

Hi Mask, I have just had a good read through this diary & yes £400 is a bitter pill to swallow & £50 doesn't seem much to survive on but it appears you have had less before & yet here you are so yes, I think that may well be £400 well spent! You haven't elaborated on how you were 'clean' for so long or how helpful you are finding the psychiatrist (if indeed you are still going) but you have had great plans to fight this one day at a time & that is all any of us can do! The negativity of your first post rears it's ugly head from time to time, thinking you cannot beat this, but you can! There is no shame in using blocks & any other tools available to stay in recovery! Hell, a decade older than you, I lowered myself to accepting pocket money & I have no regrets because by accepting help, it has given me life!

Mask

Fella financially all the time I gambled I simply spent life surviving, strangely I got some weird sense of achievement out of it.

The cycle of self destruction will continue with every episode of gambling, I myself would have towards the end of my gambling life gambled that £50 you have left to boot and then resorted to some horrendous acts of deciept to get to the next pay day

I look back and understand that no matter how much I had available I would simply never stop until every penny was gambled.

Fella walk to work, live on beans on toast, that will be a greater lesson than gifting your hard earned to a bookies.

Instead of carrying cash, bank cards in your wallet carry some passport photos, treat yourself to self exclusion whenever you see another venue that you may gamble in, in the future.

The first day I came here the honourable smiler wrote upon my thread

'Be kind to yourself'

I didn't get what he meant, I sought to punish myself for the self created mess I was in, today I believe I understand what he meant.

You are an addict, you have taken enough punishment through feeding it,recovery is a place in which you can pledge your future, short term hardship is nothing new, addiction will crawl back under a stone until it see's an opportunity for you to go back at it and it will be in your ear whispering sweet nothings about how it will be different this time, how you should treat yourself after suffering for a time.

Well your suffering is a result of feeding addiction

The 400 notes are gone along with every other punt that left that electronically simulated ball Ironically sitting in the hole next to the one you thought you wanted.

Research has shown that compulsive gambler's feed off nearly wins,the fact it was 'so close' releases adrenaline and relentlessly on we gamble.

Any wins actually don't gift the same reaction, they actually get in the way of our losing! !!

Einstein wrote 'to repeat the same action over and over again expecting the outcome to change is an act of utter madness.

This action I paid homage to relentlessly progressively for twenty years before I sought recovery.

You have the same thing on offer

To arrest the cycle, to Ironically win without waging a single penny.

Please commit to it, turn the compulsive gambler's mantra upside down

I did win because I did stop.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi, the reason you will eventually succeed is you are humble enough to come back to this site and admit your downfalls. I have always thought of myself as weakwilled so try to not put myself in a situation where I will be vulnerable and gamble. As once I started my mind would go blank and I would sweep everything away that meant anything, my family, my future! all would become swept to a place in my brain that somehow justified me either sat at a laptop online gambling or visiting an Arcade. At least you have put stops in place with the excluding. I too decided to have that last fling last week and spent £400 in about an hour online slots and it wasthat flippant action that spurred me on to come on here and stop as I didnt even enjoy the gambling. It may take us time and it is not being in the wrong place at the wrong time, making sure we stop and think before we make the decision to gamble as when we dont we jut go with the flow and our bloody brains seem to stop functioning and all rational behaviour goes out the window! stick with it. We can do this.

Dear Mask

Your honesty on here is humbling and it is what will make you recover, and you will recover as the desire is there to do so. That truly comes over. Of course you lost the money. You/We will always lose the money and we cannot stop. It is taking you a bit longer for that to sink in but that mantra is the one that I keep saying as it is so true.

Keep going.

Blue

Thank you so much for the comments people. I take on board every word. This is the only place in my life where I can be 100% honest with no secrets/lies, it's a brilliant website with brilliant people offering brilliant advice ad suggestions, and a kick up the backside when needed!

Duncan, Thank you for you post. You are a man I have respected and admired for many many months. You are like a role model for me, you offer unselfish support to others and relish recovery more than anyone I have ever met. That might sound patronising, it wasn't intended to be. Your advice is always on point..it's time for me to win, by quitting and abstaining like you have managed.

Breakdown/Blue - The desire is indeed there, and with these blocks in place, I can't physically gamble. I was trying to envisage the worst case scenario...say the urges become too strong, what lengths would I go to? Would I travel miles and miles to find another bookie? It's possible, but I can't put in blocks for every single store. This is where my will power must kick in, and as we all know my will power isn't too strong. I wish we could ban ourselves instantly from every gambling establishment.

Gambling adverts annoy me. Every five minutes they're on the TV. Every time one comes on, I cringe and sink into my seat, it puts the idea in my head and brings the negative thoughts again to the front of my mind. Unfortunately, you can't turn off all things gambling, you can only put in reasonable blocks. I'm hoping I've put in enough effort to work as a successful deterrant.

Anyway, I enjoyed today. Gamble free with virtually no thoughts of gambling. That's 1 day negotiated, on to day 2 now. I weigh 126lbs, I am unshaven, I can't afford a haircut. This month is going to be hell, but the main objective here is ensuring that no future months will be equally hellish.

Again, sorry for the incoherent post, but my thoughts are pretty much all over the place at the moment. Thanks to you all for your continued support, it's all that is keeping me going. I consider you all vital to my recovery.

They make complete sense to me Mask so deffo no apology needed! I posted a rambling one myself to you earlier but it looks like the gremlins have decided it was not worthy 😉

I did loads of self exclusions & now I can't even remember which ones I got to just what Towns I did! I think for me, surrendering my finances to break the Time-Money-Location triangle cemented those exclusions & I would thoroughly recommend limiting access to money once you are up on your feet again!

Unshaven is in (I have no idea why) I am assured & boys with long hair are all the rage too...Have a wash so you don't pong & don't be too hard on yourself! This month will pass & by the time you have a bit of money again, you will have a number of gamble free days as a platform!

You are right to look to the future & you will get there - ODAAT

Blocks in place is definitely the positive to focus on now mask. You haven't let any of us down - we're all in it together. You've made an amazing achievement already! Keep wining 🙂

Thanks odaat. And extra thanks for posting twice, due to the gremlins in the system. You're right, the next block I have to put in place is limiting access to money. Without telling someone close to me, this will be hard, I'm actually not sure how to best approach this. Limiting cash withdrawals is one, leaving bank cards at home. However, none of these are full proof. I have three weeks to prepare for this scenario, so I will brainstorm and come up with a plan of action.

Today I splashed out, and got myself a haircut...it was required, I felt dirty and ugly and that is a depressing feeling. So, clean shaven & hair cut. All I need now is my smile to return.

Are posts coming back? Anyway, no point posting a long message whilst the forum is acting up. Day three, no real urges yet.

Day five. All good so far.

Day six, almost a week which I always consider the first big milestone. Its been easy, I can't gamble because I'm banned from everywhere. Even if I did find somewhere to waste my money, I'd never win because it's impossible for me.

A beautiful sunny morning today. A lovely start to the week.