Ryan's Recovery

I'm gutted for you Ryan but on the positive side you haven't gone on a massive gambling binge. It's a minor one off. You can correct it, reset and go again. I'm always going to be around on here if you want to chat as I'm struggling myself. Just get posting to me and I'll come back to you as soon as I can. Just post whatever is on your mind but don't dwell on today.

Email me...I'm here & listening! You are not alone!

Ryan,
This is only a slip...fill the gaps which led you to make this choice..i know it's hard, but we have to put ourselves first. You can do it..you are on the right track

Sandra

Start of Day 1, Wednesday 5 August 2015

Thankyou Change, ODAAT and Sandra for your posts.. It means the world to me that people like you have been following my journey. I just wanted to get off my chest what I'd done quickly on here and be open and honest about things. If I'm being honest, if I can reach the end of this year without a bet, then I can still say that I have only had 2 slips all year - something I never thought would be possible and something I would be incredibly proud of!

I haven't gone back at all this evening since what happened, and haven't had any temptations to do so either.

The weird thing is that I went back because I am massively missing an element of 'fun' in my life, as I've been feeling down and lonely recently. But it was actually anything but fun.. it felt bad, it felt weird, and I just wasn't enjoying it.. I was frustrated, and sort of just doing it for the sake of doing it.

As you say Sandra, I do need to find something to replace the time with.. but it's so difficult and I do suffer from a massive lack of motivation to do just about anything constructive in my life. I need to give myself a good talking to and really figure out what I want out of life, and where I want my life to be heading, because right now I feel as though I am on the verge of re-joining the road to nowhere that I've been stuck on many times before.

But more positively - today is day 1. If I can make it to the end of this year, then I will have gone 147 days without a bet - which means I will have beaten the record I have just set by 5 days! So that's my target right now. To see out the rest of this year.

Best wishes to you all and thankyou so much for your posts.

-Ryan

Hmmm...spot on here man...am i looking in the mirror? I might as well do...
This addiction is consuming..and just not long ago i was figuring it out for the lonely souls..like you & me and many others on here..the distraction is a must..doesn't have to be "other half" you try to look for..believe me or not they come uninvited lol...
We need to concentrate on ourselves..just tiny bit better..it does make huge difference...some people feels alone in company..hell..just imagine how we would look like..bouncing around 🙂

I believe in you and i want you safe..what do you think? What can you change? ....a lot my friend..don't dig too deep tho but far enough to see the difference

You can do it and I'm right alongside you

Sandra xx

Thanks for dropping by 🙂

Nothing to apologise for Ryan, I can assure you! You have to be selfish with recovery...Do what is right for you! If & when you get to the stage when you feel ready, you can offer support to other people but on your terms only!

I know it's weird to reach out to strangers but you are not alone on here! You have done fantastically well so far, especially considering you are pretty much doing it alone so hop right back on that recovery train young man...It may be a bit bumpy to start with but gambling isn't 'FUN'! It hurts!

You can do this - ODAAT

Hi Ryan,

Day 1 sure is positive, in some ways we all wake up to day 1, because it is very much a one day at a time journey.

Sending you strong and positive thoughts to breeze through the day.

Suzanne xxx

Hope you're ok today Ryan. Been thinking about you and hope you've had a good day.

Start of Day 2, Thursday 6 August 2015

Made it through my day off work without any temptations, and now marching into day two 🙂

Thankyou Sandra, ODAAT, Suzanne and Change for your inspirational replies, it's helped me get through today.. it's been a tough one.. I've felt all kinds of emotions at time, and had a fair few urges mid-evening. But I've been remembering the advice that's been given to me on here, as well as thinking about my previous experiences, and to be honest.. gambling certainly isn't 'fun'. It's just an excuse for some sort of 'escapism' whereby worries are temporarilly forgotten about.. but gambling certainly isn't a long term solution!! Because whilst you are doing it, none of your long-term problems get solved, and you end up losing a lot if not all of your money aswel. Gambling is always a lose/lose situation!

So, I've proven to myself that what happened on Tuesday may very well be just a 'blip', I just have to keep a look out, take every day 1 day at a time, and keep on reminding myself why I am doing this.

I'm working today (thursday), tomorrow and Saturday, and have 2 days off on Sunday and Monday, so I will be planning something to do on those days.

It's very true when people say that you learn alot from your mistakes. I've already learnt alot from mine, and feel stronger for it!

Best wishes, take care,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Just touching down to see how you're doing? Hope you are being kind to you and moving on One day at a time.
Keep talking, we are listening ☺

Have a peaceful weekend

S x

Day One.

Friday the 14th of August, 2015

Today is day one. Now, I'm not going to lie or pull the wool over anybody's eyes.. I've been a little out of control this past week and slipped back into old ways. I'm still struggling but I've found it within me to close my most recent accounts, and hopefully now am completely banned from any recognisable site. This should make gambling accessability even more limited for me. It's a major step and I am proud of the closures I have just made.

I turned 22 yesterday. It was my Birthday. And hopefully it will be a turning point for me too.

If I can make it til the end of this year, I will have gone 140 days without a bet. That's just 2 days short of overatking my personal best that I accomplished just a week or so ago. So that's the target for now.

As compulsive gamblers, it really is so easy to say this to ourselves when things go wrong... but this past week really has taught me so much about myself, and refreshed my memory of why I am doing this whole abstaining thing in the 1st place! All I could remember about my previous gambling habbits were that I couldn't control myself. I actually forgot just quite how bad the urges are whilst you are 'in the gambling zone', and how frequent Mr. Gamble comes knocking with his dark temptations (sorry for stealing your phrase ODAAT, hope you don't mind :-)). So those 'urges' are what I am going to have to contend with for the next few days and weeks, as I start to climb the abstaining ladder again!

I'l post more about what I've learned, what I got up to, and reasons that have led to me coming back to this forum; in more detail later on this week. But for the time being, it's getting late, I need to catch some sleep. I've got things planned every day now for the next week. Right now I just want to get the ball rolling and see my day counter start to increase once again.

I'd like to apologise to everybody I have let down during the past week.. this forum has given such inspirational moral support, and really listened to what I have said and given me some incredible and amazing advice. I aren't down and out. I haven't reached rock bottom again. I've just realised the error of my ways. I don't want to hit the self destruct button and let my gambling destroy me once again - this is my recovery, it's time to start re-paying the faith that's being shown in me, start showing what I am capable of!

I'm back! Let's do this!

-Ryan

Hey Ryan... how you getting on pal?

Just checking in on you again Ryan. Hope you're staying strong. We both need to get some century breaks (from gambling... and on the green baize) this year!

Hi Ryan... let me know how you're getting on? If you've kept gamble free then that's great news. If you've had a relapse then don't worry and stress on your own... come on here and post and talk about it. We're all here to help. I hope you are well!

Day Two, Tuesday 25th August 2015.

Good evening GamCare forum'ers!

Sorry for the silence these past couple of weeks or so, I've been really struggling, through glimpses of regaining the determination and motivation I once had, to persistent repalses, right now is the best moment to update this diary on how I am getting on!

Well, I've gone 24 hours without a bet now. It's an exceptionally short period of time, but it's the start of something, if you ask me. I had my most recent counselling session yesterday (Monday), and now only have 4 more sessions remaining. I've booked one in for 2 weeks time.

I haven't suffered any major losses. That's the good news (if there is such a thing as good news after a relapse). But I've been exceptionally close to losing over a month's worth of 6 days a week wages on 3 seperate occasions. Each and every time that has happened, it's been a reality check for me, and really put things into perspective. The most worrying thing about this most recent relapse is just how fast large stakes gambling came into play. I can't control my gambling ever.

I went back because I was missing an 'element of fun' in my life. I just got so excpetionally bored, a free £100 bet offer drew me back in. But it's time to be strong once again. It's time to see the future. It's time to get back on the recovery road and time to start adding up those days abstained once again!

On Wednesday (tomorrow) or Thursday this week, the withdrawals I have requested should be in my bank, and I will be going into town to open up a 30days notice savings account, which is only accessible by going into the bank. I will be depositing 80% of my money, leaving myself only just enough to get by between paydays. This isn't just some hot-air intention, it's something I will actually be doing, and I've taken big steps already even though it's only been 24 hours. I've asked the bank to cancel my overdraft and never allow me to go below zero. I've permanantly closed my most recent accounts too, including the poker one, so that route back in won't happen again!

Let's see where I am in 24 hours time. I'm exceptionally busy this week with work so that should help get the ball rolling.

Thankyou Change for your posts whilst I was being selfish and struggling. I really don't deserve your thoughts and attention for what I've done these past couple of weeks. It's fantastic to see you go beyond a whole week in your most recent I'm into day two now, and looking forward to always being a week behind you in this journey (if you see what I mean)! Onwards and upwards!

Best wishes,

-Ryan