Hey All,
I hate Las Vegas. I hate gambling. I’ve reached a point that I clearly understand that the main problem I have is that I am an addict that will foolishly chase wins to even greater degree than I will chase losses. I realize this will lead to losing all of my money. What I can’t even begin to get past is my regret and shame. How this has impacted my loved ones and ruined my kids’ childhoods. They should have visited new places, experienced different cultures, enjoyed vacations from school by traveling to warm destinations and having stories to tell their friends when school is back in session. Gambling shredded my life.
When I listen to self-help sessions (most not specifically addressing gambling) they often relate to one bad f—k up in life. I consider every time I went to gamble one of these. I drive around and see all of the places I gambled. There must be at least 1,000+ incidents/f-ups in my past. I think I am now strong and wise enough to keep vigilant and hopefully stay away for good. I am only in Day 12, but I can’t imagine placing another bet. Most of my losses were in the slot machines. Treating $20 bills as if they were pennies.
it’s the regret, and shame really (I believe that on some level that in the end we are a sum of our actions), that keep me frozen in time. I feel a desperation to turn back the clock every day. I know it’s not really fair to my current self…but I guess my ego gets in the way. I know that this will be my biggest challenge. My counselor says need to stop ruminating. My ruminating starts every time I make a purchase or transaction. I feel like I will never escape from this deep well I created for myself by gambling.
The good news is that the disgust and disdain I have for gambling seems to be keeping me from placing another bet. My last bet was on a basketball game. I had bet $10 total on 3 different player props. I came within one point and one rebound of turning that $10 into $400. The fact that I came that close with my excellent picks made me bitter to the point that I don’t want to give them any of my money ever again. The irritation and frustration of that loss far outweighs the good feeling so ever got by winning. I was finally smart enough to say to myself….”This isn’t even fair!” Why would I bet money on a proposition that isn’t even fair? If a friend said to me, “Hey…. I’ll bet you on the Blazers vs the Warriors straight up”…I would laugh in his face. These other bets (or any bet really) is absolutely not different than that.
thanks for any feedback. That shame and guilt are sitting in my kitchen every morning. They don’t just pass through…they live with me and take a little bit more of my strength every day. I have no idea how to kick them out. Gambling I kicked out the door. I fear that these guys will never leave.
Greg
You seem to have yourself well checked out in emotions and how you feel about all of this. Did you know that dolphins will nibble at some poison fish to get high? It is true so the thing about changing our states is always there. The art of dealing with all of this is to look at yourself as a doctor and a patient. You need to understand what makes you tick and you can only do that by getting so wize to this addiction so you understand that you do what you do. You need 5 weeks to balance your dopamine levels. You need to educate yourself on this illness so that you can forgive yourself when you fall and when you do fall, get back up dust yourself off and keep on walking. Do not be afraid of getting it wrong, understand what wrong actually is. We have a willingness to change states. Hell we even pre plan for relapses. The danger to any addict is not understanding what is happening. Yes we chase losses but deep down we feel like losing because that is how we get high. The near miss/ gambler's fallacy/ being conditioned/cognitive regret/ The industry has a whole workbook on how addiction affects us because that is how they harvest our cash.
Be kind keep trying and change your state. You will understand how to live with this. You already on your way to do that. I can see it in your message.
I wish you well!
C
Just remember that although you may have kicked gambling out the door, he’ll be waiting for get back in. It’s never gone, just arrested. If you can arrest it one day at a time then you’ll do okay.
Give yourself time to get a little bet free time. I’m talking 3 months. Clear your head and get some money back in the pot before you start dealing with all the emotions that you’ll start getting back.
As it sounds like you’re in the USA, find your local GA meeting. The people there will be able to help you.
Chris.
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