So much money

End of Day 4, feeling pretty good today about not gambling, secure with no urges at all. Getting rid of all forms of temptation is helping as I've made sure there are no emails from casinos etc in my email account, I've set up filters so no bonus emails are sneaking in. I am permanently self-excluded from everywhere I could think of, anyway, and asked to be excluded from all sister sites as well.

I can't say I'll ever feel good about what's happened in the past though. I keep reading people's stories on here to remind me of the madness. The important thing is that it stays in the past, I suppose. I feel guilty a lot of the time. I even felt bad about eating during the day because it costs money that we don't have because of me.

Day 5, no gambling, still no urges. I can honestly say I haven't even thought about it apart from as a bad memory, if that makes sense. It seems like something other people do now. Certainly not gambling is not a struggle for me at all right now.

Still reading stories to remind myself what can happen and to not get complacent. I do feel strong about it though. Waiting for my last withdrawals to hit my account and then I can juggle stuff around so all my debt will be interest-free so at least it's not growing.

It's hard knowing I'm not trusted although I know I deserve it.

I just know that I am 100% committed, I have put everything in place that I can and I can't do any more than that. All I can do is my best and I'm doing it.

Day 6, no gambling, no urges.

Being at work helps as I am always busy there but even in my down time I don't feel any desirw to gamble at all. Just a normal day really with the addition of a good dose of guilt and shame.

Just popping in to give my two-peneth. Just like all the others have said, you truly are not a horrible person. Your recongnised mental condition has caused you to act this way. You're not so different from a diabetic who has to take insulin for the rest of their lives. It's just your "insulin" will be a GA group or a forum like this. We can't undo the past, but we can use it as bitter medicine to help us get stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Best of luck!

Thank you both for your comments. I'm afraid i can't see it as an illness - I'm not prepared to accept anything that shifts the blame away from myself. I have made some desperately awful choices and i am entirely to blame. I think that does make me a bad person - i feel bad for even existing, taking up space in the world and i cannot bear the thought of other people being put through strain and worry because of me. I have never liked other people to put themselves out for me but i especially can't stand it now when i deserve it least. I think i am a bad person and i deserve anything that comes my way to be honest.

All i have is my knowledge i will never do it again but this is basically useless in the eyes of those who matter. They despise me and i have to live with that.

The Definition of Addiction according to the American Medical Association.

Addiction is a primary chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory & relapsed circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social & spiritual manifestations.

This is reflected in an individual pathologically persuing reward &/or relief by substance of behavioural use.

Addiction is characterized by inability to abstain, impairment in behavioural control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems & ones behaviours & interpersonal relationships & a dysfunctional emotional response.
Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse & remission.

Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive & can result in disability & death.

Day 7

Struggling with feelings of worthlessness, being a burden on my family. I'm not going to gamble - still have no urges, believe it or not, but feeling obsessed with money and how to pay it back. Feeling scared of admitting to debt and wanting to pay it back got me here, so I will not repeat that destructive cycle, but I won't feel better until I had rid myself of my debts.

i know my husband is obsessing over money too. I want him to stop thinking about it, it should be my worry alone.

Hi! You know that having stopped gambling, your finances will not spiral further out of control. Take stock of the situation and use Stepchange, Payplan, the government's Money Advice Service or CAB to work with you to tackle your creditors. It takes a bit of effort to put together the income and expenditure and list all your debts, but maybe putting that effort in will make you realise that you are not quite as bad a person as you think you are? A truly bad person would bury their in the sand and not address the situation, but you can prove to yourself you are stronger and better than that. It might also help your partner stop worrying so much too, knowing that there are professionals working with you?

As ever these are just my well intended thoughts, but if they are not for you please feel free to ignore me!

The money situation is sorted, as much as it can be. All moved to 0%, no surprises coming and I can afford to meet the payments. It's just going to take a long time and a new mindset. Basically I can buy myself nothing this year! Which should be OK as I don't need anything and I deserve the pain of going without.

Hi Bodgerthebadger, I get that you want to punish yourself but don't you think you're hurting enough? Ok, so you did some crazy stuff but you've figured it out & are doing everything you can to move on! I think you need to take a step back, you are worrying about hurting people you love but witnessing loved ones hurting like you are now is painful!

It will take a long time & a new mindset as you say but children are very forgiving & they also feed off of negative emotions! Drawing a line under this will be better for them than the stress you are putting yourself under right now! I can't blame anyone else for my destruction but I finally get it, what's the point! My stupid, gambling, wise old mum says "it's no good regretting the things you could have changed but didn't!" I can beat myself up for the rest of myself, hating what I have done & thrown away or I can blame the addiction (Mr Gamble) for leading me a merry dance! No matter how I dress it up, I was the fool but that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life dragging other people down around me!

I hope your husband has cooled off now & is giving you the chance to prove yourself. You may have to accept him worrying about money but in any case, you have 2 small kids that will be desperate for a happy Mummy!

Congratulations on your 1st week, you will get there - ODAAT

Day 8

No gambling, no urges.
I feel better at work - not that I'm especially busy at the moment but I am a productive member of the team and i feel like i have a role and a purpose.

I try not to let the kids see how i feel - we keep very busy when I'm at home with them and am trying to be "present" and mindful around them. But then i don't want to spend too much time at home laughing or larking about as it looks like I'm not taking the situation seriously. It's a hard line to find.

Thanks for the kind words from both of you, it is appreciated.

Day 9 - no gambling, no urges

Had a nice day today, mostly spent outside and offline. A really good day for relatively little cost.

Just checking in really 🙂

Day 10 - another lovely suny day with family.

No gambling today. Keep strong everyone.

Day 12 - no gambling, no urges, although it's odd how little noises and sights remind me of certain slots I used to enjoy - I say used to because at the beginning when I could put £10 on and walk away it was good fun to try certain slots out! I have no wish to go back to that though and "play the story out" if anything reminds me of them.

Got a new credit card - that means all my debt is transferred on to 0% cards now so at least it is never going to get bigger. It will be a long haul but I'm trying hard to cut down bills, especially food, and I hope this will also serve us well once the debt is repaid. My longest balance transfer is 35 months so I have three years to pay it off and hope to be done way before that.

Just a check in - day 28, still keeping strong and holding on! No gambling and although the odd thought has crossed my mind, it's never more than a fleeting memory rather than an urge. Have been to the seaside arcades and not even put 2p in myself (although my kids like to spend the odd 50p trying to win tat!)