Well, I've got through the first couple of days since my last bet. For now, that'll do.
For me, the first day is always the easiest. That crushing guilt and realisation are sobering enough to stop any thoughts of slipping back into old ways. Appreciate that isn't the same for everyone, but that's how it is for me.
The real test kicks in from here. There'll be milestones, like my first paycheck, or when I'm left alone for a couple of days and the potential resumption of more conventional sports. All of these have the potential to be triggers.
On my first post ( https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/new-members-intros-forum/back-to-the-start-again-2/ ) I got some great responses, advice, support and a few kicks up the backside (all appreciated). But one thing that was mentioned is the need to have a plan, or at least some kind of structure.
Well, in these early stages the two things that I'm committing to are;
1) Making all my accounts completely transparent to my wife
2) Maintain a regular diary to honestly document the highs and lows
The first is a big step for me. It's the final frontier that I've always been protective of, and probably only because I subconsciously wanted to have an outlet - just in case. Now any gambler will know that there are other ways of getting around this, open a new secret account, withdraw cash and go to a physical bookies... So I don't want to pretend this is somehow a silver bullet solution, but for me, this at least eliminates the immediate temptation.
The second is something I've done before, but always dropped off. The last time, when I went 5 months without a bet, it was because there was genuinely nothing to write about. I fell off the wagon because of complacency as much as opportunity. I'm not going to be writing every day, as I don't want it to become a chore or a process; it should be an honest account of temptation or the improvements I've made in my life.
In that spirit, day two was significantly harder than day one for me. A full Saturday, with all the free time to slip back into old habits. In the end, that became my angry day, reminding myself of how bad it was and how bad it could get if I decide to give in. But I won't lie, there was legitimate temptation to just release that tension. It never went further than a thought, but it's a good reminder that this isn't just a tap that can be switched off and forgotten about.
But I remain hopeful. I'm out of the moping and self-loathing phases, I've done my financial planning to get back on course and day three is a much more subdued affair.
Anyway, I'm going to be posting every couple of days. Apologies if I don't always respond directly, but I do read everything and appreciate all of the comments. It's great to know that I'm not alone in this (as selfish as that is), and wish everyone on here the best with their respective fights. No two people are the same, and the best solutions will always differ based on what drives that individual.
For me, it's back to playing darts, getting that average up and making sure I get back on track with work after some distracted weeks. Good luck to everyone, and look forward to better days.
Firstly, I want to start with an apology. I've come on here looking for help, to vent my spleen and so far have provided nothing to the wider community - other than my own story. I will get better, that's a promise.
But we're into day 7 now, having not set any milestones it does just feel like another day. While I've not been tempted to veer from my current path, those old gremlins do appear every now and then. A few days in I started to really think about the money I'd lost, not really with any intention of 'getting it back', but with real regret. It forced me to replay a few bets towards the end, when I was desperately chasing a number I hadn't realised I'd already met.
I think that's one of the things people don't always mention about the frenzy of gambling. You've got money going in and out of accounts to the extent you have absolutely no idea where you stand. As it turns out, my assumptions were wrong. This is both a good thing and a bad thing, for me it means I'm at the limit of my credit, but not beyond. But equally, I wasted what will be around 3 months of saving over the course of a couple of days. I'll be working for nothing due to stupidity. The counterargument is that I wasn't prepared to stop in any case, so it may have happened regardless of maths.
Anyway, that's an aside. For a couple of days this really got to me, but now I'm in my second phase of acceptance. The one thing that I did forget about the last time I 'quit forever', is the vivid dreams in which gambling is normal. I've had a couple now, where I'd happily place a few hundred pounds of bets. When I wake up, I feel like I've cheated. Anyway, once again, this has not leaked into my real life and fortunately neither has the temptation.
It does seem like a return to some level of sport is on the cards, so this is going to be a tough time for a lot of people. There'll be a touch of temptation, but my only relief is that I'm pre-programmed not to bet on sports that I'm actually interested in/going to watch. Even at the height of my gambling, I was never all that interested in blowing cash on a football game or cricket game that I wanted to enjoy. The issue for me, as it was with the last slip, is that the smaller bets placed here open the door to the big, dumb bets.
Right, less griping, more positivity. Thanks again for taking the time to comment. @reminder, you're quite right, I've committed to share but at the moment haven't done so. This will happen when I get paid though, as I'm loathed to let her see the ridiculous transactions that have taken place, but do want her to see everything going forward. It's the whole moving on thing, it doesn't do either of us good to look back at what was but instead need to focus on what is/will be. So May 22nd will be the big day.
Well, day 10 is almost done.
Honestly, I think this is the first time I've been able to move on from the latest aberration. I've not had any kind of temptation to get back into old habits. Of course this doesn't mean it's all done, and I can move on. But this is a much better place for me.
I think it's impossible to fully forgive the last few weeks, but that persistent irritation has gone. But the next step is to put those things in place to make sure that any kind of relapse is as close to impossible as I can make it. This recovery diary is a good reminder of how bad things were, but I wouldn't be writing it if my brain hadn't given me permission to give in to temptation - so it's possible that one day in the near or distant future that will bubble up again.
But I've had a good long weekend, and can honestly say the only thought about gambling has been in coming here to write this. And that's not a bad thing, shake away any complacency and start the new week with a fresh outlook.
Thanks again for continuing to message and comment here and on my original post. I'll be here for some time to come and hopefully all posts will be as easy as this one.
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