Well I thought I had managed to take control of myself and my life last year, but it turns out I just got too complaisant and within only a months of getting back on feet, I dived head first back in the hole, making all the same mistakes as before, and the outcome was the same as before, debt, family problems lies shame a carbon copy of last year. So I have spent the last 2 months feeling sorry for myself making the hole I was in 4 times bigger deep enough to be back up to my neck.
But then yesterday I had a meeting with 2 ladies 1 who had never meet me before and in only the space of 90 mins had me summed up and was so right In what she said I walked away like a brick had hit me in the face. For years every time I screwed up I would get help, but it was everyone around me that would pick up the broken pieces and stick them back together time and time again this has happened, I always said “I don’t know what to do”.
Well now I do she took the time to tell me how to rebuild a relationship with my kids that its up to me to make every move they are kids the should look up to me not after me, I went to sleep last night not thinking about money, where I could get more what excuse can I use but how I need to make my kids feel wanted, I woke up this morning having half written this my first dairy entry in my head and have carried on writing it all day till I can now put it in to type.
I used to think and say I lost my family due to gambling, I now know this is not true, I don`t have my family close by anymore because I pushed them away, plain and simple. I would lie, hide the truth , do anything I could to cover up my gambling but I was never covering it up what I was doing was digging a bigger hole and just putting a cover it so no one else could see until the day the hole was so deep the cover did not fit and everyone could what I had been doing all the time I should have been with them, then expect them to help fill it back and make everything ok again
So that’s my past where now, firstly 100% of my time will be spent doing something for the good, helping and supporting the people who have spent far too much time picking up my mess. Second I have 0 time for gambling it’s been 13 days today since my last bet, mainly cos I did not have any money but now I glad I didn`t, I have a positive look on life from today I can and will final take control of my life, I no longer want people to carry me I want to run free but that will take time and really need to start on the walking part first
Any way that`s me here`s to a new start and hopefully lots of positive days to come
Hi screwball and welcome to this supportive site. You made a right choice by admitting you have a problem and wanting help.
This addiction takes it all, and it is hard to rebuilt past mistakes. Simply don't make any more, . Your kids is priority, someone you want to see growing up in peaceful and safe surroundings. Concentrate on them, kick this habit out of your life for good. It will not be easy, but is possible if you set your mind and heart to it.
I wish you well on your journey, take it easy..day at a time is just how fast you need to go.
Take care
Sandra
Mirror carbon coy of me. I read your post and this is exactly the same as me. So all i can offer you is, i took charge too. My family comes first now not gambling, it's a hard fact to swallow but each day i swallow it. As the saying goes you cannot eat an elephant in one sitting. Good luck to you and your new chapter in life...
Be true to yourself first before your family..
CL
Thanks for the kind words, Well I have my plan for today and have woken up feeling positive so to everyone here enjoy today make the most of it, Day 14 I hold with 2 hands and say I will not Gamble
Well back home now after a busy day working out in the garden and a trip to gym, stopped off at the shops to pick up for smokes on the way home & found myself looking at the lotto scratch cards, but managed to keep control got what i needed and nothing else, so I can sleep tonight knowing today I did not Gamble. Going to be a long day tomorrow just hope I get to speak to my kids at some point.
Been a good day again today managed to find time for those who needed it and non for the gambling which is how I hope everyday is from now on.
I had money in my pocket and still have nothing lost nothing gain but most of all no time wasted, no lies, today I did not gamble.
Will be back tomorrow day 15
Another successful day, work picked up a little which will put more pennies in the bank come payday, spent time with someone close who I thought would never speak to me again, and stayed strong and did not gamble. What more could a guy ask for on his road to recovery, off to see GC counselor tomorrow.
Week 3 has now passed and so much as happened this week, all positive really having to keep on my guard thou, the thought of picking up a lotto ticket a scratch card or even try my luck in a bookies have still been there but I have managed to stay strong, use the money I do have for thing that I needed nothing wasted.
On more happier note I made contact with my kids, feel I have spent more quality time with them over the last week than I did all year even when things where going. Taking them for granted may well have been a reason for my recent relapse. I failed them in more ways than one but stand strong now in putting them first making them feel wanted.
But now I have a question running thou my head every day and don`t know what to do, I want to meet up with my wife and talk to her but feel if I do she will twist every thing I have been doing to just been part of a game, which its not its just how I want to change and give them something back, any ideas on what to do would be very welcome.
Today I did not gamble, tonight I will sleep with clear mind
My final thoughts of the day, Why did I have to wait till the one person who had done so much to help gave up trying before I could give up gambling, I look back and see she had put more time and effort into helping me as I did to gambling. Every time I lost money she lost trust, every hour I spent gambling she lost time either with me or for her self. I used to feel sorry for myself every time I got caught but now I can see it was my family I should feel sorry for. I used to think it was only money I had lost and that I get more, but now I understand it was so much more and it was not just me that was losing, it was everyone close to me.
You will never replace what you lose, you can get more money this is true, but you will never get back the love and trust of those close by its not just a pound it is part of them your throwing in to that machine. I wish I understood this 15 years ago.
Well tonight is the night, I have arranged to meet with the wife to say/ask what has been on my mind hope it all comes out.
This week is going quickly work been ok and the thoughts of gambling few and far between I am still in control. Fingers crossed for tonight this will be a first for me even when we together, saying what I think not just what people want to hear.
Screwball
I have been reading your diary and I can see you are thinking more positive.
I hope things go well with your family and it all gets back on track, remember the low point and you will appreciate the good ones.
I'm a week free from gambling now , I feel good and see the advantages , it took me ten years to make this change.... If I can do it you can do it.
Keep your head high and keep coming for support , share your story ... People need to hear it.
Good luck with your journey , speak soon
Thanks Escobar for your kind words, well I am making steps in the right direction with my children I get to spend proper time alone with them doing things they want to do, as for the wife well we did chat and I ended up saying a lot more than I planed and tbh nothing positive came from it, in fact I felt worse after but for the first time I was able to start the conversation and say what I needed to so looking back on it now it was a step forward for me on a personal level just wish I could have done the same in the past when it was needed.
Any way another day gamble free didn`t feel I needed to last night when I down which was good and work went well so all in all been a good day. Hope to see the kids over the weekend.
To all keep safe be honest with yourself and everyone close by
Its been a few days since I last updated my dairy thats not to say I`ve not been on the site, Friday was a bad day work beat me and I said those word I quit until the boss called and talked me round, why was It so easy to want to throw the towel in over a job just cos I`d had a few bad day yet for years of gambling I`ve lots of bad days but always went back for more, to a normal person they would have quit many years ago but it has taken me to throw everything away before I did.
Well put all my anger to good use over the weekend and made a big dint into my current project which keeps me and my mind busy, I get to see results on a daily bases on how my time is been spent and I feel so much better for it.
Today brings the end of month, 1 Month gamble free and a good day at work has really helped kick start another week looking forward to waking up in the morning and getting on with life.
Thanks you Gamcare together we can all beat it.
Just a quick note to say all is well had a good day and still feel positive, been trying to think long term tonight, but still can only see tomorrow so lets hope it`s a good one.
Well another week done, the weekend is here but what to do with it no work this weekend hope to get out with my boys if they have the time but trying to plan a whole day to keep them busy and spend time having fun I'm finding hard. Hope the weather is good and we can just go outside and enjoy it, I look back how much time and energy I have wasted, feeling very alone tonight.
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