Right ive just hit the lowest feeling ever today. I cant gamble online or in bookies well you would of thought when ur excluded, but I did today, 300 pounds into my overdraft all in about two hours. Government say 2 pound spin is okay, f**k that three hundred down in two hours and i earn eight pound an hour twenty five hours a week meaning two and a half weeks wages wasted in two hours. Literally hated every minute of it too. I really don't see what worth slot machines and fobts serve this country, entertainment b******t just free money for them and misery for us. I'm lucky in a way that theres a max u can take out in a day or god knows i might still be there. This is a new diary for me all the other ones can rest. Ive done all the blocking possible just got to nail down the logistics of everyday life. I cant smoke, cant smoke drugs, cant do drugs, can only drink three alcoholic drinks a day so cant get drunk, now I definitely cant gamble sensibly, what shall I do take up? Really unsure. Whatever I decide ita got to happen as I really f****d up this time. This year I have spent seven hundred on gambling almost a full months wages. Again its at the point where I'm not able to go out the rest of the month but hey why should I go out it ends up in disaster every weekend. I go out in week and spend money on non alcoholic sodas and spend next to nothing and then boom at the weekend I go and do this. Well I'm sick of it. I'll stay in now. Don't want to go to a pub anymore they sicken me. I fully appreciate all the words of wisdom on here everyone gave me sound advice I just cannot take if I'm addicted big time. So back to day one tomo but I gues I can say it'll take three paydays to get back to a level par. First pay day bills paid and zero left after, then second payday 100 paid back to a friend, actually ill pay him back this month it'll just mean I'm in kverdaft for two solid months and have to pay the fees againthirty pounds a month so sixty pounds in fees that'll teach me a lesson.
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Right I was worrying about it so I've told my parents. Really didn't want to spend three months worrying and paying fees.
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Big weight off my shoulders I think, ive decided I cant go to poker or do any gambling full stop as I cant control it. Day one today.
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Back from work, went to gym, not sure whether dads in a mood with me yet. Oh well better out in the open than the secrecy and lies that come with gambling.​
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Just been talking to my mum about it all she really cant believe what ive done. Ive never felt this low.
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Still in shock over last loss, still very raw, cant believe it, just want to stay in bed today but that wont pay the money back. Got to be strong and fight back. At least I got to sleep last night altho my eyes have been telling a different story one of stress and anxiety. I never have an easy life but I bring it on myself.
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Well done for coming clean. You’ve increased the chances of stopping gambling hugely. You’ve manned-up and taken personal responsibility
Keep talking to them and try and be open. When our gambling history is half-told, it seems particularly bad. They get the headlines (the loss, time etc) without the emotional understanding.
Louis
Keep your head up mate I know how hard it is coming clean for the first time. It does get a lot better after this, you don't have to carry the burden on your own anymore by hiding it.
Jack
Thanks for the posts means a lot. Went to work and passed a training course which is good. Eighty pounds earnt, so got to work another five days to earn back what lost on Sunday then I can breave a little. Gonna take two months to get back some financial security. At the end of this month ill get paid , pay bills then will have a hundred left to pay mate back then another whole month staying in just going to gym every night then at the end of that month ill get paid and have two hundred left to do as I wish. I'm liking staying in at mo its kind of like my self inflicted punishment. Only day two tho as soon as I reach weekend ill get bored, but who needs the pain of going out to pubs and the pain they cause me. Really hit home last night with my mum almost shedding a tear at what id done. Everything I've been thru with skitsophrephia and losing jobs and flats etc only to have this problem out in the open now too. I owe it to
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I owe it to my mum to not gamble again I really don't need it in my life.
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Morning Adam. Hope your feeling ok. I respect your bravery, courage and understanding. Opening up to your parents was probably a very wise move
The addiction wants us to continue gambling and resents the involvement of loved ones which it sees as a threat. It likes to be in control and will at times be resentful of our gamble free life. However, I do believe that it's influence will weaken as time passes and we will eventually see things in a different light.
We just need to have faith and belief that a better life is possible for us. We can help it along by being proactive. Improving our health and well being, exploring new opportunities and showing ourselves respect, kindness and understanding. Wishing you well...stephen
hi Stephen thanks for post means a lot. In ten minutes it'll be day seven of no gambling again. Ive not spent a penny this week just stayed in apart from going to the gym four times. Feeling much better thankfuly, never want to feel like that again. I'm looking forward to myholiday that starts at the en of next week .
Hi Adam,
How you getting on? Hope your holiday brought you some well deserved chill time!
Having families support you throughout this is the best thing for us, it sounds like your folks are really looking out for you. You shouldn’t need to punish yourself as it means forsaking your happiness.
For me, it look a lot to accept what I had caused, I really and royally f***** up - I’m not sure where I would be now if I hadn’t of done it. I’m ashamed but thankful at the same time.
I guess what I mean is don’t be too hard on yourself. Remorse if very, very important but you can only change the future and not the past.
With you at each step! Sjr
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