A Sense of Direction

Posted by: DramaLlama

Casino just called to tell me they are upgrading my account because I haven't been active in a while. I very nearly said I don't gamble anymore but instead i just said I'm at work, I can't deal with this now. 

Ooo I got a funny feeling in my chest with that one. 

Defo not interested in the VIP treatment. That's for mugs. I am not a mug. Well...not anymore. *phew* <---- sigh of relief. 

Drama. 

Well done drama, they are absolute money grabbing swines!!! It takes a really brave person not to fall into their trap!

Hope you’re well otherwise?

Mark/Kram

Hi Dramallama

Well done on putting the phone down on the casino. I'm wondering if you're registered with Gamstop? Self excluding through them should, in time, stop them contacting you with marketing. You're doing so well. Anyway as ever, do contact us on the Helpline if you need any info or support. We're open 24 hours on 0808 8020 133 or by webchat.

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin.

@mark-powell  Kram, I am in fine fettle. Thank you for stopping by buddy xoxoxo  

@forum-admin Deirdre, Thank you for your post. I am registered for Gamstop. I don't wanna post about how/why I'm getting contacted by casino's cos it's no good for anyone's recovery. It's on my to-do list to change numbers and emails but it keeps dropping down the priority list cos I have a lot on. I was okay today cos I got to chat at lunchtime in the Group Chat. I know about the Netline and that cos I have used it ALOT. After my carry-on recently I am trying to ration cos I am worried I upset and scared people. I am genuinely okay tonight. 

@s-rose Thank you. Um, I am proud of doing some good things. Can't wait till it's just normal and not hard work. Welcome back to the forum and I wish you well. x

My Day. 

I WFH. I guessed that work would suggest it with the news that the Corona Virus is now a global pandemic but I was wrong. I still reckon having an immune disease should buy me a pass. I can't imagine hr taking my bosses side in a hr battle with that on my record. 

My brain fog has gone I think. Them meds must be back in my system proper. I am feeling positive mostly. A bit of anxiety waiting for that MH nurse to ring me. He rung me late afternoon. He was spitting dates at me and I couldn't absorb what he was saying so I was like can I have your permission to give your number to my Auntie and you and her can sort the appointment and I'll just make myself available for when you all agree? He was fine with that. 

The appointment is sorted for Monday after next. Then the CBT starts Tuesday after that. If Corona gets in the way they might do it by skype. Uncle J is also coming and he's driving. So that's cool. 

Auntie A and Uncle J are under strict orders that what we talk about stays between us. I am confident they will stick to that. They are my God Parents aswell. I chose them for my God Parents when I got confirmed at 30 years old. I chose them cos they are good people. 

I wish I knew why I didn't think anyone loved me the other day. I know they do. Anyway, the past is the past. Let sleeping dogs lie. 

I did 2.5 file reviews today. The numbers are creeping up.

I did my cleaning jobs real well tonight. It was a stressful night for the people at the jobs cos of Corona. I don't wanna go into details cos I don't reckon it will help with people panicking and stuff right now. I just wanna remember that I was a steady character and helped them people deal with some of the turmoil they are facing. 

I hope everyone appreciates what the frontline are going through and are mindful and kind to those folks when they come across them. 

I think that will do for now. 

Drama xoxox 

Hi Drama

Im glad you sound more positive today. That makes me happy. Hope you have a good Friday. 

Lonely x

77 days. 

Smiling. Just because 77 days is a cool number. I dunno why. Just seems cool. 

I WFH today but did nowt. I was majorly hungover. I drank a lot last night. I dunno why. I just did. I chatted a lassie on the Helpline whilst pie-eyed and she was so super nice. She basically put me to bed and for that I am grateful. 

I finished two files today but not really. I will have to go back and do them properly over the weekend. I just wanted to make it look like I did some work. 

My Husband is really anxious over Corona. He keeps checking my temperature and fussing. He has always fussed over me getting flu and colds and stuff. He worries about me. Which is nice. However, he is NEXT LEVEL panicking over Corona Virus. He is planning some sort of triage zone in the front room with Grandad's camp bed. It's a world war one wooden and canvas bed and he's gonna set it up near the fire so I can keep warm WHEN i get sick. He's obsessing about the country running out of food because we are an island and don't have the stocks for all the panic buying people are doing. 

I went to the chemist for some lady stuff today that I really needed but he made me get his meds and had a massive panic attack over them not having everything. 

I can't deal with how "up there" he is right now. 

My day job work has ordered that I WFH from the next two weeks so that's a result. 

Can't escape the cleaning job. 

I did 1 job tonight cos I am tired. Can't face the other two. People walking by looked real sorry for me cleaning a place that might be full of germs. It was a reminder of another time people used to walk by and look sorry. Made me feel funny. 

I sent my new best mate a selfie of me in bed this morning looking knackered. It made me laff. Selfies should be fun. Not always perfect. Just real life. 

Um that will do. 

No gambling thoughts at all. I have money worries to the extent that if I can't clean then I don't get paid so I am only worried about that but I don't wanna gamble to get the money just incase. 

Not getting wellied tonight. Gonna go to bed early. I think I need a catch up sleep to recover from all my Drama's this week. It's been emotional. 

Drama 

xoxoxoxox

Oh drama.. Another excellent little extract.

Busy bee as usual. 

As for the selfie.. Lovely too....

Missed you on chat tonight.. No russ either.. Held the Fort  though with some beautiful people.. 

Night n bless 

Boo 

???

We missed you too... 

But we also know so many others need you too.. 

We feel safe knowing you will keep  our little chat room sparkling

❤️

Love to you 

Boo 

??

WFH. 

I had to WFH today cos work is making me self isolate. I could get in trouble for calling a customer from my personal phone but I promised her a phone call today before 12 midday. I didn't want to let her down. She's been let down so much in the last 3 months. I did not wish to add to it. 

I woke refreshed and cognitive (it's a word). I got the idea to call the call centre and explain the circumstances and get someone there to call her. So I got her connected with someone and got her sorted. I am proud of that. 

My friend T called me from Church shortly after and said you remember you asked me to remind you when JR's requiem and thanksgiving service is? I'm like yes T, I remember. He said I'm sooo sorry but it's in 20 minutes. I said I'll be there. f***f so I can get ready. 

I threw on a shift dress. It was grey with like a dog tooth/houndstooth not sure what it is pattern through it. It has a little black belt round the waist. I put on my knee high black socks. My ankle boots that are black with gold buckles. Half a size too big but it's all I could find. I put a grey and black scarf and my Charcoal grey jacket on. Then me and my doggy went to Church. Oh, and a baker style knitted hat in black cos my hair is minging and I need a bath. 

The service was beautiful. I really enjoyed it. I loved JR. I didn't get to know her like the rest of the congregation because when i joined the Church she was a frail old lady with Alzheimer's but I did make a point of trying. She was lovely and well regarded. I am happy that she got a good send off today. 

After the service we went in the Narthex and sat on chairs in a circle whilst the family shared memories of when she worked in the mills and worked for the council. They had photo's and letters and alsorts. It was a real education. Like a trip back in time. She used to write to the Government and local paper to petition for a free BBC license for all old people. I dunno just alsorts. Seems like she was quite the character and I got an insight to that. 

We shared a buffet. I reminded folks to wash their hands first. 

I looked around at my Church family. They ARE my family. They are all in the risk bracket for this Covid thing. I would hate to lose any of them. They have all contributed massively to my life. 

I wish I hadn't withdrawn from Church with my depression. I shall endeavour to go more. 

I chatted alot with my new best mate tonight. I am bored stiff with no football on and she is bored stiff with being stuck indoors. I shared loads of photo's of my FB with her. 

I hope I lifted her spirits. 

I am kinda scared of gambling out of boredom but not feeling gambling urges. I hope that makes sense. 

I wish I never did the thing that led to my lady problems. That is all I have to say about that. 

Drama x

Oh another full day drama but it sounds as though you made two individuals happy as well as a family. You have every right to feel fulfilled. Outfit sounded an eye catcher too.

Sorry that your diary ended on quite a down note tonight.. 

Night and bless 

Love to you boo ??

Hi Drama

It sounds like you had a busy day -saying that it always sounds like you have had a busy day and often wonder how one person can fit so much in. You’re a true trooper! 

I always love the detailed description you give about your clothing for the day - I always try to picture it in my head and then wonder how accurate it is.  It also always reminds me that I should maybe put a bit more effort in as I usually throw on what’s nearest and never give it much thought. 

Its nice to see you doing more things that you love, and sounds like you were a great support to someone today. You have a big ?. 

I hope you keep busy and keep your mind occupied. Have a good Sunday.

Lonely x

My Day. 

I entertained all of my Twitter fam last night. I got wasted and thought I was a DJ. I shared my playlist. It was fair funny. 

I also shared alot of photo's with my new bestie. o*g for shame. Like this is me here and this is me there. She was chuckling but you have to wonder if you're being annoying. She promises I am not annoying at all. 

I had a major hangover today. I was not fit before 3pm. 

I did my two cleaning jobs tonight real well. The door handle broke off my first job and I had to get someone to come and let me out. My bumbag broke aswell. I don't wear it round my waist, just across my chest cos my phone is too big for a pocket. I will have to get a new one. It's also good for not getting mugged cos I have an expensive phone. 

I chatted Russ to make sure he's okay and he is so that made me very happy. I was worried about him. People from our Gamcare family keep dropping off the site and I know it's normal for people in recovery but I worry they are gambling. 

Short entry tonight but it'll do. 

Love you guys. 

Be well. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

Hello drama. Yes I have picked up on the abscence of people on here of late. One of my theories is that once people connect outside gamcare then there attendance here dwindles but also too that yes they have either returned to gambling or on a positive note found another site.. 

As long as they are well both mentally and physically is all I hope for them. 

This addiction can be a lonely place and manifest itself desire to draw any of us back anytime. I am concerned with the current health crisis and possible lockdown etc. Our gamcare family may struggle but here is always a safe place to.

come. 

All for now 

My love to you boo 

???

Phileas Fogg Day! 

That's taken on new meaning eh? Around the world in 80 days. There's summat that's going around the world and it's travelling fast. 

I just wanna get on with a gentle recovery. I have been doing so well but work is giving me drama's that I do not need at this fragile time. 

One of my places caused me so much stress today that I've been biting my lips really badly till they bleed. 

I need to be calm but it's hard. 

My day job has me WFH and telling me to do it as long as I need to to be safe. My night job, not so much really. No protective equipment. Nothing beyond cleaning my hands. 

Just get on and do it. 

Dunno what else to say about it really. 

Wish I'd never put myself in this position by gambling. I hate gambling and will never do it again. 

Honest to God I won't. 

D. 

My Day. 

I got 3 file reviews done today. I had a very needy person wanting my help but quite frankly their concern pales into insignificance given what is going on in the world at the moment. I have done all the actions I needed to for them but they are desperate for me to continue to own "their problem". I cannot do that working from home. I have drawn a line under their contact with me. I have told them what is what. 

My cleaning job boss has rung me in a panic cos someone else has gone sick. I now have 4 jobs to manage in the evenings. The extra one is just Wednesday and Fridays but it's more on top of what is already a heavy schedule. I told my boss in no uncertain terms that I will do what needs to be done to get the job done but don't judge me for working some short hours and don't try and short pay me. I said I should be getting danger money given the current situation. You have to appreciate that I WILL do a great job, I always do but to fit it all in, I cannot do the prescribed hours. He accepted that. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. 

I am concerned about my Uni work. I can't find a minute to look at it. I might just have to park it for this year and accept the loss. I can't not work. I need to eat.

I am pleased the Government has said anyone affected can get a 3 month mortgage break. It's the news I needed to hear. My day job will pay me sick pay up to 6 months. If I go sick from cleaning I get nowt BUT if I get sick, a mortgage break will feed us for the time I need to get well. So that's that. I can carry on being super cautious and doing all the right things to not get sick but knowing if I do then we can cope. 

I had a dial in with my workmates today. I miss them. It's a once a week thing that we do cos we work across different sites but I asked if we could have another on Friday before the weekend cos I am getting cabin fever. They decided that we will do dial-ins Monday, Wednesday and Friday going forward. I cried me. It was a sort of relief cry. I didn't cry noisy. They didn't know I was blubbing but I was. I just want things to be back to normal. 

I had massive anxiety yesterday but at my cleaning jobs tonight there are signs that people are taking things seriously and not so much gunk that I have had to deal with. I just need the space to be safe. 

This next part may upset some but I have given it alot of thought. 

I can't do Group Chat right now. I have so much on. I can't face it. Sometimes it's super helpful and supportive and other times it's mega depressing. The not knowing what I am walking into and the disappointment I feel when it's all super low is just not helpful for me. 

It has been a massive tool in my recovery and I wanted to commit to it forever. To always be there like people were there for me but I know you have chat mods. I just really have to take care of my Mental Health because it's pretty fragile right now. 

I hope you understand. 

Love from 

Drama 

xoxoxoxox