A Sense of Direction

Sorry for being mawdling on chat and blubby and that. 

I was off my meds a couple days partly cos my old boss is a vindictive [insert your own expletive] and partly cos I'm so forgetful. Anyways, I let the thing grow and grow in my head and now it's monster sized. I can't let it go and it keeps making me cry. 

I'm trying to sort out my emails now for summat to do. It's not right relaxing though. It's bugging me. Maybe I should find summat to do that's more fun. 

Oh and I took two happy pills cos I thought it would make me super happy but it's just gimme the runs which is not helping at all. 

*sigh*

Drama.

A Perfect Storm. 

I was feeling low about not having friends and family support. I needed to go pick up my meds but my boss wouldn't let me cos he didn't appreciate just how important that is for me cos I was flippant about missing the meeting I didn't want to attend. 

I didn't stick up for myself because I was feeling unloved. 

I should've stuck up for myself and explained but instead I chose to be childish and pouty about it instead of honest and adult. 

I planned and could've gone on Saturday but then that thing happened at the cashpoint and I entered panic mode. I thought Hubby would think I gambled that £20 so I wanted him to know that I was just tired and not mindful. I went to get the money but was thinking about shopping so I forgot it. 

Then I go a couple of days without my pills and I'm a bit mad. 

I kinda feel proud that I rang Gamcare and told them 100% what was going on in my brain but also desperately sad for making people worry and I recognise that is what I have done. 

I am sorry for maybe upsetting people in chat this aft. I was only trying to explain how I was feeling and not how I am but then in that moment I was right back there. 

I guess I'm just sorry. 

That is all. 

Thank you all for being here for me. 

I am on 73 days. It's not a perfect recovery but it is a recovery. I believe that. 

Drama x

Evening sweetheart,

I think the title of your post sums it up. Sometimes a set of circumstances conspire again us and when taken all together, are tough to handle. You never need apologise for having or expressing feelings. It’s a gift and perfectly natural. 

You showed strength in reaching out for support. You showed strength in understanding what has contributed to you feeling this way. 

People will get concerned and upset (me included) because we love you and care about you. 

And even with all of the c**P you have had to deal with. You haven’t gambled. That’s simply awesome ?

love you mate xx

Hi Drama

Sorry to hear you’re having a bad few days. 

73 days is fantastic, especially with all the ups and downs you’ve had recently. I hope you feel a bit more settled once you have your meds but remember regardless of anything, your gamcare friends are here through the good, the bad and the ugly. You should never feel like you need to apologise for how you are feeling or expressing it as this is your space to get it all out! If not here, then where?

I’m proud of you for calling the chat line and recognising you needed to do this. You have come a long way since you first arrived and you will continue to move forward, even if there are bumps in road on the way. One day at a time!

Sending hugs.

Lonely x

Hello drama.. You didn't upset me in chat and I know you didn't upset the other person.. 

If anything it makes me feel angry with the whole gambling industry for the horrible way it inflicts these days on us.. But then it passes..

Your diary is evidence of the love everyone has here for you.. Its days like yesterday that make me miss slow as he had a way to convince you of your worth.. 

We are all in this together.. Through thick and thin. The good days when we feel like super models and can conquer the world to the bad when we have trampy pants and hair scraped back with nowt but an elastic band In it.. Which there have been many for me..

If you want one positive of one of the triumphs you gave back to me then it is you allowed me to start laughing again.. From the belly.. Till it hurts.. I've never felt so joyous in an age.. You are a gift that keeps on giving.. 

My love 

Boo ???

My Day. 

I WFH. I lied to work and said I had a flat tyre cos I couldn't face going near the place cos of fears about being near a certain thing. It's daft really cos I have my pills and I'm sure I'd be okay but it is what it is. I couldn't face being honest about my fears cos noone really listens anyway. It's easier to lie. 

I only did one file review. That was a miracle. I have brain fog. Really bad. Like I'm having to think about every word I am writing here. 

I've been very sweaty too. I took my temperature tonight and it's way normal so I don't know what the sweating is all about. 

Um....what else?

My outfit today was on point. I chose my black TNF trackpants that are super comfy and warm. My black COD t-shirt with a reflective skull on the chest and an Oakley snow jacket. It's mostly black but with turquious and grey swirly patterns on. I was gonna send my friend a selfie but when I took it, all I could see what my bloody lip from yesterday. I was biting my lips so hard that it's a mess. I look like I lost a fight so I wasn't gonna send that. 

I did my 3 cleaning jobs very very well tonight. The first was muddy all over. The second looked like someone had a food fight in the waiting room and one of the rooms was covered in ear wax (someone must've had an epic syringing session). The third was an absolute treat. Someone had walked excrement all the way from the front door, through the waiting room and upstairs into the upstairs waiting room. Given the infection control stuff, I had to mop, throw away the mop head, disinfect my bucket and then put a new mop head on and do it all again with the cleaner with the active ingredient in it. 

All of this meant my jobs took way longer than usual. I have to do it right especially with that Corona thing. It has to be perfect. 

I am tired. I could've done without all three being bad. 

I hope my brain fog lifts as the amount of day job work I have done is embarrassing. 

Drama. 

Thanks drama for popping by ?? Boo

Posted by: Boo radley

Thanks drama for popping by ?? Boo

 

YOU ARE TOO CUTE! I imagine you send thank-you cards after Christmas. With pretty pictures on. I love you Boo. You are a good egg. x

Oh drama.. 

From one good egg to another night n bless.. 

Love to you from boo ???

75 DAYS! 

I underlined that title on purpose. I am not going to cross back over that line. I had my hang up about 60 days but I'm actually doing it now. Really doing it. No going back now. 

Um, my day. Trying to remember, it's been long after a late night cleaning last night. 

My brain fog has lifted some more. I almost feel back to normal. Not quite. Still trying it hard to focus. 

I had a battle with my boss. She's taken something away from me for no other reason than to be a manager in control and she emailed the whole team to say why she'd done it. I emailed "reply all" and let her know what an idiot she had made of herself in her first email because she clearly didn't understand what any of the notes on the system meant. I did it in a pleasant way but if you were smart, you would know I was putting you in your place. 

I got challenged on my hours last week. I wrote off new boss day. She emailed me to say everyone else only wrote off 2 hours. You know how I read that? You're calling me a liar. I wasn't lying so it annoyed me. I said I don't believe everyone only put 2 hours because K was distraught and crying and was sent home at lunch time so there's at least one other person who had more than 2 hours. Strike 1. 

I said that I went to a cafe with my mate P after and had proper tears and tantrums because I don't wanna be in f's reporting line when he bullied me to leave the department and then lied about what he said to hr. I said that I also had a meeting with hr. I looked after K when she was upset prior to her being sent home and later in the afternoon everyone came to find me who is on my team to ask me about what kind of boss you and f are and to guage what they had to look forward to. So yes, individually some of them maybe only had 2 hours out but I lost an entire day. Strike 2. She wound her neck in and said she'd keep it at 7 hours then. That's right lady, you keep it at 7 hours. 

I spoke to my mate P about her emails. He told me to play the victim. Ugh, I'm like I don't do that. He said I need to be smarter. If she moans I'm not doing summat, I say I haven't had training on that, please tell me what your plans are to train me on that etc. He gimme lot's of good examples of how instead of fighting all the time, I can make everything about training needs and confidence issues and alsorts really. He just said stop fighting and start making things about what I need from them to do what I want. I will heed his counsel because he is a steady character and his advice has never steered me wrong before. 

I did my 3 cleaning jobs well. Got them done super quick cos of the deep clean I did last night. 

I lost my fancy snapback cap to the wind outside the petrol station. I had to run a mile to get it back. It's not a charity shop purchase, I paid full price and it's summat Hubby teases me about so I absolutely didn't want to lose it to the weather. 

I took the dog to the park and waved at some cops who went past me twice. I did look a bit street in my outfit so they prolly thought I was up to no good. When I waved and smiled they waved back though so that was nice. I love cops me. They are heroes. 

Um. 

That will do. 

N'nite from 

Drama 

xoxoxoxox

Think I'll sleep with a smile on my face tonight.. Your diaries are just the best

Boo ???

6.3m seconds gamble free. How awesome is that ?

I AM AWESOME ME! I CAN DO ANYTHING! 

Typo alert, I meant 6.5 million ?

Casino just called to tell me they are upgrading my account because I haven't been active in a while. I very nearly said I don't gamble anymore but instead i just said I'm at work, I can't deal with this now. 

Ooo I got a funny feeling in my chest with that one. 

Defo not interested in the VIP treatment. That's for mugs. I am not a mug. Well...not anymore. *phew* <---- sigh of relief. 

Drama.