A Sense of Direction

Evening sweetheart,

I have to say that I think you are making the right decision to step back from chat for a bit. I was anxious when I first did because like you, It has been a huge part in my recovery. That said, we all need to be as resilient as we can right now and anything that has the potential to add to stress that we have a choice about is right to avoid. 

You have so much on at the mo and none of it is easy on its own right. I have used the time that I am not in chat wisely and it has helped me in a difficult time. 

We still know you are here and can chat to you through your journal. 

I did one am glad that you are looking after you. That’s really important to me. 

Love you mate xx

Part 2

I guess I had other things that I wanted to say that I was thinking of leaving until tomorrow but I have changed my mind. I hope you don’t mind me hogging your journal...

I was going to write something earlier today but events took over so sorry about that. 

I am seriously proud of you. When I read about your world, I am just in awe at how you balance day time work, evening work and your studies and grow in strength each day in terms of your gambling recovery. I often go back read a week of your journal at a time and can see the change in you. 

I also know how stressful your cleaning jobs will be right now. I love your values, I love that you care so much about what you do that you are helping keep people safe in this difficult time. You are a special person.

I know I am being soppy but I want to say these things. I am 100% sober (working) and I just want you to know how much you mean to me. you have helped me so much since our paths first crossed and hugely over the last few weeks when times have been tough for me and I will never forget that. Thank you xx

That’s all I guess sweetheart x

Oh drama.. How I will miss you.. But I cannot be selfish.. Its lonelier now but we have our journal and I did mention to russ something I am planning on doing next few weeks. 

Yes I find chat sometimes hard. Good. Sad. Rational but I still find it helpful too. 

Take care for today and I will drop by your journal each day to connect.i feel we have Come to far to undo our lively bond. Whatever don't stress. Don't compromise your health. 

All my love boo ???

A long old day. 

I stayed up super late last night. I made some poor choices. I was stressed but it's no excuse. I got mega drunk. Like wasted drunk. I chatted with a mate till the wee hours and promised I was going to bed but I stayed up. I had decided to gamble. 

I got onto some places and was looking for all them promised bonuses that I'd had recently but I couldn't remember which places had given me them. 

I signed up to a new site but couldn't figure out how to deposit. This was cos I was drunk and couldn't think straight. I knew if I used Hubby's card then he'd get a text off the bank and I'd get in trouble and I was too far gone to figure it out. In a moment of clarity, I messaged the netline. I was chatting a guy but it was hard work getting my thoughts to him cos of being drunk so I said I'd ring instead. By happy coincidence, I got the same bloke. He was so lovely and kind. That's about all I can remember. I can't remember his words but I know he listened to me long enough for me to calm down and decide to go to bed. I am way grateful. 

I am still gamble free by the grace of God and quite frankly the blocks I have in place that gave me the time to make a different choice. 

I did next to nowt in the day job today out of tiredness. I only had a few hours sleep and not good sleep is it? Not after beer. 

I went to cleaning at 4 and just finished now. 4 jobs tonight. I am knackered. 

I have made sure that all my places are clean. 

That is all. 

Drama x

(((Drama)))

I know you will probably be beating yourself up about last night right now and there probably isn’t much I can say to change that but it isn’t going to stop me commenting anyway. 

You wrote a post a few days ago called a perfect storm. It spoke to me a lot about a set of circumstances that come together sometimes that make us more vulnerable in our recovery. We are not in normal times at the moment and I know you will be feeling that more than many for all sorts of reasons. You had a choice last night, you chose not to gamble and that takes some real strength. Sure the blocks helped but that is what they are there for. You still made the choice to reach out for support and didn’t gamble. From where I am sitting that is awesome ?. 

I am proud of you for your honesty and for the choice that you made. I just want you to know that I will always be here for you x

Nite n bless sweetheart ?

Morning drama, 

To err is to be human.. To be perfect is divine.. You did great 

Lots of factors out there at the mo pushing normal thinking and stressing folk. 

I hope today is easy and I will call into your diary after work..

Take care

Love boo ?

I had 8 hours sleep and feel really good. ?

?❤️?❤️?Boo 

Dropping by to wish you sweet dreams... 

Love to you boo ???

What day is it? 

I don't even know. I had to check with Murlo. I feel like I have done 3 weeks work in one. It's mad times. 

I woke up well rested today as you can tell by my earlier entry. I was just so happy to get some rest and sleep through. 

I put on a Roxy Jumper. It's sort of like the thing you'd wear at the beach on a late summers day to cover up. It's like a beautiful peachy/salmon colour with an almost fluorescent grey stripe running horizontal with a string tie on the chest. Very cute. It has a hood and I sent Murlo a selfie of me wearing it. I send her quite alot of selfies these days. I like to cheer her up with my gormless mug. I got into my cute jeans cos I've lost some weight by not eating proper. They are navy blue with like jogging bottom cuffs and waist and a little love heart on the pockets. I paired my outfit with my light grey nikes with the pink tick. It matched perfectly and made me happy. 

I had a reasonable day at the day job. Got a couple of reviews done. I got volunteered to do a job for 2 weeks by my bosses boss (who I loathe) and so I rang him and told him I'm not doing it. He volunteered me to my recent bosses boss and I phoned her too and told her why i wasn't suitable for the role. She totes agreed with me and said she would discuss it with him. She knows I love doing ought different me. I take every task as an opportunity to learn summat new but these times are not for giving out those experiences. They are for putting people in the role that can hit the ground running and I absolutely cannot do that with the job he wanted me to do. It would be super complicated by the fact I am WFH for the foreseeable. Anyway, I got my point across and got out of it. See how assertive I can be? I am proud of that. 

I did suggest to my bosses boss that if he wants to throw overtime my way, I am skilled at x,y and z. You gimme some OT and I'll demolish that work with relish. He laughed and said NOTHING is off the table at the minute. Sit tight. 

I went out at lunchtime to the shop for supplies and the park with my dog. I also had to go to the Chemist for some medication. I went to a store tonight too. I am really proud of my town. People are being real polite and nice with each other. Lot's of how do's and please and thank-you's being said. A guy parked too close to my car so I couldn't get in but he just moved back and flashed me a smile. I gave him a big thumbs up. 

I just did the 3 jobs tonight which almost felt like a night off compared to the rest of the week. I did them very well. I like to think my NHS family is safer cos of my efforts. 

I am watching football now. An old game that I recorded in 2017. It makes me happy to pretend it's back then and bad things aren't happening in the world. 

I love you guys. Thanks for the messages of support when I've been silly. I appreciate it. 

I always feel like running away when I do daft stuff but this is not happening here. I just stay on carry on telling you stuff. 

Oh and my CBT is happening by video to keep us all safe but it's still happening. 

That will do. 

N'nite from 

Drama 

xoxoxoxox

Hi Drama

Just popped by to say a quick hello! You’ve got so much on your plate at the moment and yet, have such a big heart to worry and care about the people around you, and it’s so clear what a genuine, loyal and caring person you are. Anyone who has you as a friend, is a lucky person. 

Proud of you for not giving in and contacting the chat line the other day. You are so much stronger then you think. 

Hope you get a good night’s sleep. Take care for now. 

Lonely x

Knackered. 

I am done in. I dunno how Doctor's do 70 hour weeks all the time. I'm knackered. I did day job plus two night jobs tonight but had to save two for the weekend cos I didn't feel safe driving. It's it. I have had to park it. 

I wanted to gamble really alot last night. I know it's just a stress reaction. I chatted the Helpline and got through it and went to bed. I am smoking far too much. The only good news is I'm buying proper cigs and not under the counter ones cos they rip my lungs apart and I'm not completely stupid. 

I wish I never gambled and put myself in the position I'm in now. 

My night job boss rang tonight. Someone else has gone sick. So I have four jobs next week too. 

I am struggling to manage my mental health. 

I find I get through the day of work alright but I have nothing else in the tank. I don't understand and can't process the news. I know my mortgage will be covered if I get sick. So that's good but I can't get the rest of it. 

I wish I could stay in. 

I wish people would stop bunking off out of fear. I'm knackered. Did I mention that? 

I haven't even got time to find another safer job. Like cleaning an office but all I do is just work and sleep. I'm gonna have to do some day job this weekend to make up for being useless during the day this week. I still wanna hit target. 

I reckon I'll have to give up on my degree. 

Maybe people like me aren't just meant to reach beyond their station? 

My Husband won't touch me and I miss Human contact. I know he's only doing it out of anxiety but he won't kiss or cuddle or hug or any of the really good stuff. I miss the really good stuff mostly. 

What is the point in living if you aren't living? 

I don't mean I'm suicidal. Cos I'm not. I just mean I am living but not experiencing ought good. 

It's just super hard right now. 

Sorry for being mawdling but it's how I feel and this is my journal. It's where I say how I'm doing no matter what. 

Temperature check 9/10. Stress bottle is way full. 

D. 

Oh drama. Rest and sleep

Take care, boo ??

Did just as you ordered Boo. Had an epic sleep followed by a cooked breakfast and feeling much much better. My stress bottle is maybe 3/10. 

Have a good day all. 

Drama xoxoxo

Hey well done you.... Take care. Feel for you lovers of sport this weekend. Your enjoyment gone. Not forever though 

Boo ???