The Devils Payroll

My friend Rob,

Thats what they call both being human and progress...Keep doing what your doing, OK is good.

How was the meeting Rob?

I found some old bank statements yesterday from last year. I used to hate bank statements as they told the truth, no emotional just cold hard facts of my gambling addiction. I returned to gambling last year and got a big win. The statement showed me deposting this win into my account . I foolishly thought things will be different this time. Within 12 days it was gone. The statement showing every increasing withdrawals until it was exhausted. I heard in a GA room thats Its not the outcome of the bet its the placing of it. I dont think there is any stronger evidence to me than that bank statement. I now keep it on my bedside table as a reminder.

The placing of the bet has stopped but it feels like nothing else has. I am attending GA meetings but not really putting the work into recovery. I have started a book Louis sent me on ACT. I reached page 30 odd and stopped at the first exercise. The exercise is on the cost of avoidance. Hey Alanis, over here! found you another verse for that song you did in the nineties.

Aside from that my work life has taken a postive step. After a long period of work taking the pi$$ I finally decided to make a stand and deliver some demands. Strangely it worked and I will be getting a pretty substantial payrise along with a new job title.

I guess I have just contradicted myself there. Maybe things aren't that bad after all.

Hai Rob. Thanks for the logic amd wisdom line. So true and tickled me also.

Never really far away from this forum as I need to get some things into place before going back to the wolves.

A good reminder in the form of your bank statement and agreed with GA, that it is the placing of the bet that gets our urges oiled.

I know how you feel, when your saying your not putting the work into recovery but if your continuing with GA and at least doing something minor on a daily basis. Well that's good and a constant reminder that patience is needed, recovery isn't easy and most importantly not to fall back into the addicts trap, that we're not good enough or strong enough. . Just by making the stand with work shows progress, things like that we fail to recognise as our heads have spent such along time clouded by the addiction b.s.....

Its All Good apart from what's bad

Been thinking about love and relationships recently. I have only ever been in one relationship and that came apart for many reasons, mainly because I didnt love her. I have never been in love, I see this as my fault. I dont justs feel that I dont deserve love more the case of I dont let anyone close. To the point I dont even begin to start any kind of relationship with a woman, friendship, romantic or sexual. This is all based in my own fears. Fears of rejection, fears of not being good enough, what the hell have I got to offer anyone.

I am 39 years old, live at home with my parents and have the emotional maturity of a child. The one relationship I had was the only time I lived away from my parents. We lived together for 3 years. This time was my most destructive time with my addiction as it affected another human being who was nothing but kind and generous with me.I think back not just to the money and finanical wreckage but the emotional damage. I constantly rejected her affection and ran to my addiction. I wasn't honest or brave enough to break it up. Through everything she found the courage and I was sent packing back to my parents.

I try and use the excuse that I haven't attempted another relationship because I dont want to cause the same havoc to another person, this does have a little truth but its not the main reason. I am just plain scared of being that open, vunerable and well human. Its no way to live, its not even living.

This is something I am trying to work on but I find it really hard. I tried creating a dating profile on a popular dating site last week. It was pretty empty and generic. Giving nothing away, scared to show people who I really am. I pulled it down after 24 hours. I get terribly lonely at times, alot of the time I dont think about it but when ever I do it upsets me alot. I can see how I used gambling to avoid alot of these feelings. Guess I am finding the whole love yourself part a bit of a struggle. Self Pity comes alot easier.

Couple of great posts there Rob. Ones i identify with greatly. Thanks for sharing

Hello Diary

I have been quiet of late and going through a period of finding it hard to share and expression my feelings. This is very common with me and I try not to get too hooked up about it and just wait until the moment I feel like typing in the white box.

GA meeting I attended last night I changed my declaration (date I last had a bet). I took part in a pub quiz easter bank holiday, one quid entry with prizes on offer. I remember at the time not worrying about going to the pub, having a meal with friends and a drink. Actually looking forward to the quiz. Not thinking beforehand that the situation could be classed as gambling. Only when the man came around wanting the entry fee did it click that this might not be the best thing. I took part anyway and handed over the quid. So I had a meeting the following day and said nothing. I gave my date not of the previous night but my previous date. In the back of my mind it clawed at me, it felt wrong.

So the meeting last night I decided to change my date and bring it up. It wasnt to justify if it was a bet or not, I had already made my mind up. To me it was and wanted to draw the line in the sand.

I remember yesterday morning driving to work thinking about it. Going over and over in my head, is it a bet or isnt it? Is it this or is it that. Do I mention it in the meeting, do I change my date or not? I finally got to the point where I stopped having that internal battle with myself and saying, I am done fighting. I dont care anymore and rather just admit it was a bet. I have far more to gain that I do to lose. I lose some days in my "count", so f*c*ing what. I can never do a pub quiz again, big deal. I do them rarely. Why internalise and try to have some intellectual battle over something so small. I dont want any grey areas. I want my battle lines drawn out for me. I know where I am now and where I need to go.

I woke up this morning happy. I had the best night sleep I have had for months. Even though my date has gone backwards I feel like I have took a step forward in my recovery, and my god do I want that now. I've took a taste of what it can gift me and I want all it has to offer.

What a truly fantastic post there Rob. I had thought of you today, uncannily enough and was wondering when you'll come out of the shadows and here you are with a great post.

I had something similar happen a couple of months back with a white lie during an interview. I liked the bloke so much, that after I walked round London for a couple of hours, and then finally thought for peace of mind to phone and say was a misunderstanding. I would of got away with it but was sick of lying to myself.....

Keep clasping the gift Rob, sharing ones feelings comes in waves, well it does for me anyway ....

Brilliant Rob!

Grand national day. It was 6 years ago on national day I did my b****x completely. I used to think the national was a muggers bet, that it was for the amateurs and just a pot luck race, a lottery. But here I was placing that last desperate bet that will rescue me from the pit I had dug myself. It never won but then I placed the bet so I had already lost before the race had even started.

My world fell apart two days later.

All the money ran out, all the debts came chasing me, all the lies could no longer be contained. I confessed all to my partner at the time. Not because it was the right thing to do, or because that was what they deserved. I did it out of pure desperation. I said I would get help and would go to GA. I did for about 10 weeks until I returned to my parents. The relationship was already dead on a romanitic level, the gambling just sounded the death rattle.

I think back to how I felt that day six years ago and the days surrounding it every time the national comes around again. Its not a place I wish to revisit but one that I am capable of inflicting on myself again.

Anyone else struggling on this day just remember one day at a time.

Dreams, hopes and desires to what I want from life. Its rare I thought about any of these things for pretty much the majority of my life. I get asked what did I want to be when I was a child, even at a young age I never used to dream or aspire to be anything, not a footballer, pop/rock star etc. About the only dreams and hopes I had were for how much money I could win and how I could maintain a life gambling. Even if I did win at gambling and somehow maintained some kind of lifestyle it would of never made me happy.

Now I have dreams and aspirations and they may seem small but are actually much bigger. I would love to learn to build my own guitar. I would finally write and record an album of my music regardless of the audience that would listen. I would be happy to have a place and space I could call my own. I would love to share all this with someone else.

I value money but I don't want financial dreams anymore. I feel all of these things are achiveable and all things I deserve to have and I will work towards them. I dont want the world, just a six string, a place called home and someone to bare witness to it all.

Hai Rob,

Your last two posts have been superb.

The one thing I love about this forum is when I see people evolve and understanding that the gambling pot of gold is really a crock of S****e, to me is the art of evolution.

You've made huge strides Rob and when you get them 6 strings, we can possibly get Dotty out of retirement on vocals, a backing group of the Beverly Sisters and me chomping a fat cigar as a proud manager.

Good on you Rob

Been struggling these last few days with anxiety and stress. I am finding work very stressful at the moment as I am out of my comfort zone with a new project. Instead of facing it head on I have been avoiding it and now have a mountain of work. My default in these circumstances has always been self destruction. Either through gambling, drinking or eating. I have made a real effort not to fall back into these patterns, no gambling, eating and drinking have been senisble.

Thats all a postive but I still havent been addressing the difficultes I am having at work so now my anxiety levels are increasing and I get panicky at the slightest thing. I've started to read through a book on ACT and one of the things it mentions is something called imposter syndrome.

Over a year ago I took it upon myself to take one some work than no one else was able to do. For the most part I have enjoyed it as its been a new challenge but know under normal circumstances I wouldn;t of got the chance as its not something I had much knowledge of at the time. Despite this I threw myself into it, learnt everything I could and this pretty much saved the company I was working for alot of money and hassle. But I always have the thought they had no one else who could do the work and if anyone else was willing I would be stopped. I have always had this feeling that I am an imposter and I just haven't been found out yet. This has all resulted in been offered a new job title and pay increase with it all but haven't accepted it yet. This is all compounding now as the work has reached its most challenging and I am buckling under the pressure and feel like the job offer/pay rise will be pulled.

I alternative between trying to face everything and work through it to just self impoding and walking out on the job.A part of me just wants to fail so I can just return back to "normal". I really dont want to go and mess this up, I want to at least try and make it work. I have worked hard to get to this point. Why should I throw it all away. I think just writing this out has refocused me. Tomorrow I need to work out the steps I need to regain control of the situation.

Apart from that the recent turmoil on the forums hasnt passed me by but I dont have the energy or motive to get involved. My only dog in the fight is with myself and If you go to war with yourself you better know when to surrender.

A better day at work today but still stressed. I am in unfamiliar territory with my job so having to do something unaccustomed to an addict, ask for help! In fact, some of the day wasn't actually getting direct help but just talking about the fact I am struggling. Most of my work colleagues don’t have the knowledge or skills to help out directly including my boss but are sympathetic to the situation.

I have managed to break down the work I need to do and made some progress on one of the points. I still have a mountain of work to address but feel a bit better for at least making a start.

I keep thinking a lot of my stress is coming from the fear of not knowing what to do. A lot of my work is technical but the main element is problem solving. Which in a way is working out how to fix something that you or someone else doesn’t initially know how to fix. I enjoy this for the most part and I am good at it. If this is the case, then there is another underlining issue causing the stress and anxiety.

It came to me today, it’s not knowing what to do, it’s the idea of people thinking I don’t know what to do. A lot of the work that I have outstanding won’t be resolved and addressed until I speak with someone to say, how do you do this, what’s this about, I have no idea what you have been asking of me. This is the thing that causes me stress and anxiety.

I am someone who very much has to do it himself, instead of asking for help I just avoid. Its that fear of not being good enough, of people thinking I am that imposter who doesn’t deserve to be doing the job.

Its sometimes quite frightening how crazy my thoughts patterns and behaviors are at times.

GA meeting tonight so leaving shortly. Didn’t realise the full extent of the troubles that have been happening and seeing long term members who have given so much leave very sad. This forum has been an ever changing place so what may feel like its broken forever will pass.