The Devils Payroll

Your so very right there Rob. As they say ' the show show goes on ' & it will here, with other insightful people joining and taking on the baton.

It's called real progress what you've mentioned above with the stress and anxiety your facing with this new project, and just by not heading towards the self destruct button, to me is facing things head on.

Your sure putting in the leg work with recovery and can see in your posts, how far you've come. I'm sure you must be seeing it as well.

It's such a b****r knowing that you've got the skills or knowledge for something, yet haven't got the balance of confidence/ self esteem. I know it well. Again, the word balance cones up...

Agreed it is frightening recognising crazy thought patterns, but just by able to recognise it, is that what they refer to as enlightenment, with the mind opening and the two voices in ones head becoming friends?

Anyway Rob, I see your diary becoming a must read in how perseverance works by knowledge and outside help ie GA or such. Good on you.

My clairvoyancey sees a new Rob made 6 string guitar in the near future, with your other achievable aims following suit.

Have a good evening Rob

I am having a blow out, couple of drinks after work and returned home with a bottle. The bottle is under half way and I can feel the pressure lift. I would love to have a better outlet and deal with things without chucking a load of alchohol down my neck but for now its what I am familar with.

I think sometimes I can give myself the excuse that its ok as I have done a bit of work on my recovery and feel this is enough. its ok, you are progressing, no perfection. Get a bottle, blow out and release the pressure and you can pick up again in the morning. Am I really commited to change or just paying lip service to make myself feel better?

Been away for the weekend and overall enjoyed it, however I drank too much last night. Last couple of times I have had too much to drink its been a trigger for my anxiety.Finding small amounts of alcohol work for me better short term. Had a drink on the Friday and managed to keep the right side of the tipping point, felt alot better for it.

Still deciding to jump on the wagon for a period. Alot of my anxiety has been based around health and my fear of having an heart attack. This has been an issue for a while and never really addressed it. Adding the stresses of work on top and its no surprise I am struggling. I can no longer carry on using alcohol the way I have been, its not helping me.

Hi Rob

I hear you on the alcohol front. Starting to see it more obviously it giving me problems rather than joy. I think I've always used alcohol to make up for a lack of social confidence - but kind of got away with it as getting p1ssed is pretty normal in the UK.

Couple of pints is nice but after that get diminishing returns which become outweighed by problems the next day. Maybe this is not so much a realisation as 'gettiing old' ; )

Anyway, I remember previous comments and thought you might be interested in this. TBH I've not watched more than a few mins as I don't think I have an obvious issue on this front, but a friend highly recommended it:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07865h3

Well Monday night we had the sonic boom http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/may/03/sonic-booms-heard-in-yorkshire-as-quick-alert-typhoons-are-scrambled

I didnt just hear it, I felt it. It rattled and shaked the whole house. I had no idea at the time what was happening and for a period it was scary. I looked out of my bedroom window and saw the neighbours out on the street. My next door neighbour was sitting in her car, I could see her face and it was one of panic and uncertainly. In two minds of heading for the hills or to go back into her home.

Its easy in hindsight to say there was nothing to worry about and its all over reacting because in hindsight it is over reacting, but in the moment the fear was real.

Back from my meeting and feeling a little better in regards to my anxiety. In the meeting I can get anxious, especially if I have put my hand up. From the moment I put my hand to the moment I talk my heart rate increases, start getting muscle twitches, dizziness etc. These symptoms all reduce soon as I start talking, also speaking again is much easier. Also finding after the meeting my anxiety levels are really low or have gone.

It would be easy for me not to talk in the meeting or not go at all as this brings about some anxiety. If I just avoided this situation because of the anxiety it causes I would be much poorer . If I accept the anxiety is there instead of avoiding it then I get to have all the benefits the meetings bring to my life and recovery.

To feel that level of anxiety but to still attend your meeting and talk is inspiring. It's got me thinking about a few areas that I get anxious in. It seems as though you're making real strides in dealing with your anxiety. I'm always interested in your posts.

LifeBegins x

Cheers Rob but all is genuinely good parents are back and yes they have been amazing support.

Possibly them going away was what I needed a bit of time to myself to realise im doing ok

Still been keeping close to the forum stops the complacency and keeps me grounded.

Thanks for checking up on me means a lot bud.

KTF

Fantastic post about values on the other thread. Will bear it in mind.

BW,

CW

Thanks for your post Rob. I ordered the illustrated version of the Happiness Trap and started it yesterday. It's really a simplifed version of the proper book, which is good for me as it's giving me an overview of the whole concept without getting too bogged down by too many words (I'm a simpleton at heart!). It's fascinating. I can tell that it's going to be useful...although it's taking me a while to shift from my very analytical cause and effect style of thinking right now. I'll let you know how I get on and also whether it bears any fruit with my daughter.

Keep on being you! LB x

Really been struggling last couple of hours. I have been getting this occasional pains in the left side of my chest since Sunday. It never lasts too long and isnt that painful but it plays into my fears and anxietys of my health and my heart. I was booked to see the doctor on Tuesday but cancelled due to feeling alot better and not having any pain. Was fine Tueday and Wednesday and now its returned. Since driving home its come and gone but has been much more persistant the last couple of hours.

It could quite simply be my anxiety causing the pains or it could be something else. Either way having to deal with it is not easy. I was just sent this quote from a good friend and feel it helps me put things into some perspective:

"when you no longer resist a powerful emotion like fear, you're free to channel that energy into a more constructive direction. when you hire your problems as bodyguards, they show you how powerful your mind is. their very fierceness makes you aware of how strong you are."

Went to the doctor on Friday which I should of done earlier and not cancelled my original appointment. Blood pressure, heart rate, etc all check out fine. From the descriptions of my pain the doctor feels its very unlikely to be heart related. This has reassured me a little but feel I am not going to get better until I start addressing my pyshical and mental health.

I talked about my anxiety with my doctor and they recommended I avoid medication for the time being and look at other options. The doctor gave me an address and phone number of a NHS group where I can get counselling and different therapies.

Last week I made a real effort to cut back on alcohol. I usually drink 5 days out of the week and at least a bottle of wine, alot more at weekends and can easily top 20 unit in a single day. I had a bottle of wine last night and two pints after work on Thursday. I preferred the two pints as it was in a pub and more social, last night was a bottle of wine on my own. I am starting to question how much enjoyment I am really get out of drinking alone in my room watching a film. Just realised I never mentioned any of this to the doctor, they would of had a fit at my alcohol consumption!

I have also reduced my sugar intake so chocolate, crisps, biscuits, proccessed foods etc. I am still making sure I have regular meals just removing all the c**P from my diet. Shouldnt really come as a surprise that I have lost weight.

I have also been sent a book and some audio practices on meditation and body scan/awareness that a friend thought would be useful (same one who sent the quote in the previous post). They have suffered alot with anxiety and had CBT, medication etc and found meditation to be the one thing thats really helped them come to terms with there anxiety.

It feels like I have alot of help and different methods I can use and feel a little unsure of which to take and what to focus on. GA, GC, counselling, ACT etc. I guess for now my main focus is GA as this is the therapy that works best for me at the moment.

What I have realised is my attitude has changed from even a few months ago. I remember returning and posting as Deja Vu and saying I tried all these things and none of them worked ( http://www.gamcare.org.uk/comment/1798938#comment-1798938 ) . Dan quite rightly pointed out in the next comment that without commitment and desire to stop nothing would work regardless of which recovery path I chose.

My general mood and outlook have improved even with my struggles with anxiety. I feel a hopefulness that wasnt there months ago. If I have the desire and commitment then my life can improve. I feel a sense of empowerment when before I had despair.

Here is the passage that quote was taken from, I feel it works better in its full context:

Tibet.. is full of long and lonely roads… in the mountains… Travelling is always dangerous, because there are almost always bandits hiding in caves… waiting to jump out and attack even the most watchful travellers… They can travel in groups… and if the groups are big enough, maybe the bandits won’t attack. But that doesn’t always work, because the bandits will usually see an opportunity to steal more from a larger group. Sometimes people try to protect themselves by hiring bodyguards. But that doesn’t work very well, either… The bandits are always more fierce and they have better weapons…

The clever travellers, when attacked by bandits, make a deal with them. ‘Why don’t we hire you to be our bodyguards? We can pay you something now and more when we reach the end of our journey. That way, there won’t be any fighting, no one will get hurt… Less danger for you, because no one will come hunting for you… And if you keep us safe along the road, we can recommend you to other people… You won’t have to hide in caves…

Your mind is the long and lonely road, and all the problems… are the bandits. Knowing that they’re there, you’re afraid to travel. Or you use mindfulness like a hired bodyguard, mixing it with hope and fear, thinking, ‘If I watch my thoughts, they’ll disappear.’ Either way, your problems… always seem bigger and stronger… A third choice is to be the clever traveller and invite your problems to come with you. When you’re afraid, don’t try to fight the fear or run from it… ‘Hey, fear, stick around. Be my bodyguard. Show me how big and strong you are.’ If you do that often enough, eventually fear becomes just another part of your experience… that comes and goes… When you no longer resist a powerful emotion like fear… you’re free to channel that energy in a more constructive direction. When you hire your problems as your bodyguards, they show you how powerful your mind is.

robf wrote:

Here is the passage that quote was taken from, I feel it works better in its full context:

Tibet.. is full of long and lonely roads… in the mountains… Travelling is always dangerous, because there are almost always bandits hiding in caves… waiting to jump out and attack even the most watchful travellers… They can travel in groups… and if the groups are big enough, maybe the bandits won’t attack. But that doesn’t always work, because the bandits will usually see an opportunity to steal more from a larger group. Sometimes people try to protect themselves by hiring bodyguards. But that doesn’t work very well, either… The bandits are always more fierce and they have better weapons…

The clever travellers, when attacked by bandits, make a deal with them. ‘Why don’t we hire you to be our bodyguards? We can pay you something now and more when we reach the end of our journey. That way, there won’t be any fighting, no one will get hurt… Less danger for you, because no one will come hunting for you… And if you keep us safe along the road, we can recommend you to other people… You won’t have to hide in caves…

Your mind is the long and lonely road, and all the problems… are the bandits. Knowing that they’re there, you’re afraid to travel. Or you use mindfulness like a hired bodyguard, mixing it with hope and fear, thinking, ‘If I watch my thoughts, they’ll disappear.’ Either way, your problems… always seem bigger and stronger… A third choice is to be the clever traveller and invite your problems to come with you. When you’re afraid, don’t try to fight the fear or run from it… ‘Hey, fear, stick around. Be my bodyguard. Show me how big and strong you are.’ If you do that often enough, eventually fear becomes just another part of your experience… that comes and goes… When you no longer resist a powerful emotion like fear… you’re free to channel that energy in a more constructive direction. When you hire your problems as your bodyguards, they show you how powerful your mind is.

I like the sound of the clever way 🙂

I chaired my first meeting last Tuesday. I had been having the thought for awhile to chair a meeting, to push myself a bit and get more involved. I have heard people say you listen more, or do more active listening. I actually found it harder to listen and at times it was like there were just noises coming from peoples mouths instead of words.

What I have found interesting is for the past few days since the meeting is, all I have concentrated on is what I did wrong. I didnt do this, I should of done that. My default mode is still to criticize myself and expect some kind of instant success at something I have never done before.

Also realised that I have never thanked someone for chairing. Just a simple thank you and well done goes a long way. Again I can be quick to internally critcize whats happened in the meeting rather than praise or see the good.

My drinking levels are still remaining low. No drinks in the week but went out Friday night and had a few too many. Had two beers watching the FA cup final yesterday and didnt feel like having anymore than that. Still staying off the sugars and eating better. The needle on the scale slowly moving the right way.

Finally got my promotion and payrise sorted with work. Its a pretty generous one and will give me alot of extra cash each month.Work is very stressful at the moment. Currently involved in a project to create a new system that will upgraded the computer systems in a number of retail shops across the UK. Had a pilot run on Wednesday which highlighted a number of errors which I was actually grateful for as that was its intended task. Have managed to correct everything and all ready for the next pilot run next week. Plan is to go live at the start of June. I have two weeks off at the end of June and start of July once the project has finished as I am going to need a much deserved break.

I ordered a new bed last week which arrived on Wednesday. My old bed was well past its sell by date. The springs were breaking and popping out through the fabric. I had to position myself a certain way to stop myself from being spiked. Its also a single bed which gives me some more room. Also going to get a new desk and chair as will be able to work from home one day a week, seeing as I have a two hour round commute this should bring a bit more balance to my work life.

The forum seems to have found calmer waters. Great to see people offering the hand of apology for things said and even better to see people take it.