The Devils Payroll

That's it then, I cant go back to gambling. So what now? I ask myself what do I want from life? Where do I want to be, where am I now? All these questions that are starting to fly around my head. All the questions that have always been there but I never answered or even came close to looking at because when you gamble who needs to know any of that, right? Its no surprise I feel lost when for the last 20 years I have had something else to think about and worry about with gambling.

That's gone now, I now have to face everything head on. Feels like I have been in a permanent state of adolescence and not allowing myself to grow up. I remember just around two years ago when I first started to really try and take serious my gambling problem, a good friend asked me "So, what are you going too do, what do you want?" I couldn't answer, I had no idea and I still don't. I have no choice now, its either address this and start questioning myself and asking these questions or die. I have no answer yet but I know I need to push myself. It would be easy to just keep ignoring and coast along but I no longer want to be this unhappy. Still feel overwhelmed and well like a coward. Like I have been afraid to live life. At the same time I feel there is joy if I am brave enough to push forward. I've lost my train of thought now and I am second guessing myself and what I write and something I am trying to not do and worry about so I am going to call it quits for tonight. Must vent more, lots more to follow.xx

I few continued thoughts...

Reading my last few posts, I can see why I was angry now and where that anger came from. I no longer had the one mechanism of not having to cope with my problems as its been stripped away. Also see why I feel into a depressive state, I am no means happy now but accepting of my current situation. I guess these feelings and stages take time and I felt I was stuck in limbo. I understand the Serenity Prayer a little more day.

This is the longest I have gone without a bet, I normally reach around 4-5 months and then lapse. I used to hit that wall,bounce of it and return to the start. Rachel said I've made a breakthrough and Graham said this could be the making of me, I am starting to believe them now.

Did this on the karaoke in the local on my night out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tLIZsijVwg

I was awesome and rocked out like the captain of the football team.

I did this as well and I sucked:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfqEisOIMJc

Great song but not a good rendition.

All said a good night 🙂

Hey Rob

I truly do mean it when I said you have made a breakthrough....when you said you have no one mechanism to cope as its not there...

I was made up you didnt delete your rant post as i know it's not personal...i know that level of rage too and I also know that it is still not the real you...the real you is buried underneath that rage...

Trust that Rob and there will no doubt be more to come out but just keep dumping that trash and that diamond will appear from the blackness and dust...

I constantly rage on my diary which is why it is not a straight line of daily proression...some days its one step forward and ten back....somedays im coherant 45 ..some days i regress into a petulant teenager,some days I go back to being a scared 9 year old...its that irratic..

Gonna check out your Kareoke song....I can do a mean Mr Brightside duet if you fancy..lol

R and D x .

Had a really good couple of days and best weekend for ages. Went out last night and made a fool of myself and don't feel bad about it.

Even better been to a friends today to watch the rugby, was nice having a drink and stuff but best part of the day was when his wife and kids came home. The kids are 7 and 5 and I cant believe how bright and smart they are, sharp as a box of razors. Had a full on conversation with a 7 year old about taking animals out of there natural environment and domesticating them, plus she was wearing a cape and anyone who wears a cape is cool in my book. Kinda weird because I have always been against having kids myself due to my own beliefs that I would be a cr** parent/not care enough to political reasons of overpopulation. However the whole experience today has me questioning and thinking if I really really believe that. Maybe if I didn't gamble my life would be very different right now with a family.

Kids were sent to bed and me and my friend broke out the guitar and sang a few songs, was pretty cool. Times like that you just go with it and enjoy the moment and not worry about what of or could of been, sometimes reflection can be good and sometimes it can feel like a curse.

Cheers for your support Rob. Good to hear that your on a positive at the moment. I relate when you say..."Maybe if I didn't gamble my life would be very different right now with a family."... it gets one thinking doesn't it. Compulsive gambling robs us of options and possibilities. I don't want my Cg behaviour to become a whole life term thats for sure.

Being able to play the guitar thats so cool. Have a good week.. remember to give the tax man hell when that letter comes.. regards.. S.A 🙂

Hey Rob...

shudda wudda cudda....I also think a lot about "what ifs" and "maybe ifs'...but you know...there is time yet and wiithout sounding too crude you chaps can keep those possibilities for a long time....don"t rule out a family. '

Most of my fiends with kids spend ll their time wanting to palm them off on me..lol

Glad you liked the "Wonderful life" clip..I guess many on here can identify wiith that desparation of rock bottom and wanting to live again..

Your posts have a lighter feel to them so im guessing you also have turned a corner...

I think the film thread would be cool and I would probably be its biggest reader and watcher..lol

I love "Groundhog Day" as I am a big Bill Murray fan..

Also still laugh out loud at "What about Bob" with him as the lead...hilarious.

Film quotes would be good too,...although you may find my anarchic sense of humour comes out with lines from Dogma

keep posting Rob..

ps re and Me also partial to capes...cos we are superheroines !!! ....lol..although i did take heed from that film where superheros capes normally get stuck in fans..lol

R and D xx

Cheers Rob, you are a legend!!!!

That stupid message has gone now : )

I just wanted to say what great advice you gave bear. Reading it really made me want to get out and go on a long walk again. I'm doing that tomorrow. Well, kinda.. Out on bike, anyway. Yet, long distance. And the cost... Barely a thing. Your post inspired me to get my a** in gear to get out tomorrow.

Cheers, mate.

-Alex

Hi rob,

Just wanted to say, it never occurred to me at all that you were being rude or insensitive. I thought it was quite cute, that you saw the IT bit, and got all excited!!! lol

To be honest, I'm a big girl, and I prefer not to get loads of sympathy. I knew what I was doing, and it's up to me to put things right on that front, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, in a twisted accidental way, I think too much support can kind of reinforce the behaviour. Not that anyone would ever have that intention, but the ego kind of goes "oooh, look at all the attention I get when I do this! I like attention! I'll do that again!" That is why I cringe when I see people still posting a lot of support to a notorious character on these pages, who has sadly not shown many signs of personal growth, and decides often on a daily basis that TODAY WILL BE MY LAST DAY OF GAMBLING ON HORSES, BOOKIES AND MACHINES. In my humble, it kind of feeds it. I feel for the guy, but we can only lead him to the water, it's up to him to drink it. I do understand that he isn't a horse, just an analogy ; )

Anyway, as you pointed out, I am taking responsibility and putting things in place, so giving myself the best possible chance.

Thanks again tech guy!

f x

PS - in the course of my exasperation, I stumbled across something called "windows defender" that was switched off. I thought it sounded very anti-virusy, so I switched it on, but then wondered if it would fight against my security software AVG as I've heard this can happen. Like if you had avg and bulldog both at the same time they would work against each other. What do you reckon pet?

f x

ha ha ha...tis true Rob ..i am a lovely person ...smiling away as the blunt mallet thwacks on the heads of the great unwashed.."a mere fleshwound"... ...mwhahahaha...!!

The Cape Crusaders...lol

I shall hop over on to overcoming and see if the films have started yet...looking forward to that thread....and got me thinking headgear on...

keep posting

R and D xx

Thanks again, Rob! I did manage to get out on my bike today. Mind you, I really had to push myself to get out the door, as by about 5 o clock I didn't feel like doing much at all. Did a few miles this evening. Feel all the better for it. Me thinks I'll be doing it more often now. 🙂

As said, your post was a help. I read it and it reminded me of all the long walks I would do, where I would go on for miles and miles. I did it for quite a while but then injured myself. A word of warning perhaps, that before any exercise always stretch you legs and limber up. Bike I can manage at the moment. Getting out on it today was a major achievement and I credit you and your post for helping me. Thank you!

All the best

Alex

Another week another dollar, still gamble free so that's lots of dollars for me.

Not that much to report on to be honest. Playing a lot of guitar at the moment but mainly acoustic. I do really enjoy the sound of the acoustic guitar but miss making some noise with an electric. When I say noise I mean that literally. Something really primal and cathartic about making an unapologetic mess of noise. Need an amp and an empty house, don't want to traumatise the parents. Neighbours will have to grin and bear it. I could use headphones but its not the same, need to feel the sound vibrate in my chest and rattle my teeth.

Hi Rob..

Come and do a spot of busking in Manchester....we are pretty sick of Oasis songs now,even the acoustic versions.....

xx