The hardest confession

Counselling session number 2

Another session on Wednesday of this week, and more questions answered in my own mind.

my counsellor first asked me how my week had been, I listed the ups and downs, but had most joy from telling her how I had found myself empowered by Monday’s and Tuesdays events.

Monday I felt a desire to gamble, to the point where I was trying to work out how much money I could justifiably spend, I did not gamble, and as a result entered into Tuesday feeling brave and proud of myself, this then led me to take another leap and reveal my true identity to the gamcare community.

I had reached a point where I no longer felt shame for what I had done, and allowed myself to become, I reached a point where I no longer feel as if I need to hide away or disguise what I was, but can freely express what I am now, an addict in recovery. 

My counsellor was pleased to hear of these achievements, and agreed that I should feel proud of myself.

Im not sure whether it happened during counselling or at another point this week, but I may have also pinpointed the moment where my gambling became excessive and compulsive.

Arguably pinpointed is the wrong word to use, however the birth of my daughter 2 and a half years ago is when I started to lose control of my gambling, and allowed  myself to get into a downward spiral, one where I had to hit rock bottom in order to see the light!

All of a sudden I had this MASSIVE weight of expectation on my shoulders, no matter how much money I bought home it was never enough, we very quickly saw 6k of savings disappear on various bits and bobs that you are deemed to need when having a child, and even though I can’t be certain, yes, I was probably guilty of using some of that for my addiction also.

This was all combined with pressure being applied by family members to try and buy a property of our own rather than rent, it just all got too much for me, and I gambled to try and make money.

I now know how stupid an approach to life this is.

I also told my counsellor on Wednesday that I used to be addicted to cannabis, and how since September I had drastically cut down my use, and had my last toke on NYE 2019, I did not enjoy this at the time, and have not touched it since. I’ve no idea how this is relevant, but am mostly waffling!

Although many have been in my position before and dealt with the pressure, I sadly did not, and my release valve was gambling, my wife and I have been guilty of doing life the perceived wrong way around, and I’ve not helped this far with achieving these goals.

The other week however we did agree between us, that even though we have failed in many areas of life, we have done a very good job of parenting so far, and that is something that nobody can ever take away from us!

Whilst discussing the weeks events with a dear friend, he implied that I had cracked it, to which I replied, nope, it’s just another step up the mountain, we agreed to call it a checkpoint in my recovery.

This has ended up becoming quite a random and rambling post for me, and I have zero wisdom to offer at the end of it, but if you’ve taken the time to read it, I am extremely grateful, as I am for every day that I continue to be an addict in recovery.

Love to you all

x 

Mark,

As much as there is a lot of raw emotion in your post, it shows how much you have embraced your recovery. There is nothing that you say here that is irrelevant so please never feel like that. It seems to me that your counselling is starting just at the right time for you and you are embracing it. It is really obvious to me how you have changed over the course of your recovery and I am so looking forward to your next chapters. I can waffle sorry...

Day 63 GF(9 whole weeks!!!)

This last week has been one where I have had urges to gamble more so than at any point in my recovery, I think I have had urges on at least 3 occasions this last week, I am however very pleased and proud to say that at no point have I acted upon them. 
So I now find myself trying to understand what this means?

Am I becoming weak in recovery?

Were these urges so prominent because it was the week I got paid? And as a result felt as if I had plenty of disposable income.

Am I becoming complacent in recovery?

Im not entirely sure of the answers to the questions above, however one thing I do know is that I have resisted all temptations to gamble, and hope to gain strength from this week, as I head into the next one.

There are a few things I think I could do in order to get back to a stronger position.

1.Read my self help book again

2.Take more time to read and write on others posts, especially new members of the community.

3.Read back through my diary to see just how far I’ve come, although I’d rather wait until day 100 to do this, it’s kinda my way of marking the milestone.

I don’t particularly know what I am seeking from writing this post, I think it’s more so the benefit of getting the thoughts out of my own head.

I think in the grand scheme of things this is just another learning curve, a lesson learned on the journey through recovery, where you have to dig real deep into your strength reserves to resist all temptations, and it really goes to show just how gambling gets right inside your mind, and causes the problems that it does.

This post probably seems highly contradictory to my previous one, and for anyone who has read both, I apologise, for it must be confusing!

Most importantly though, I am alive and well, a roof over my head, food in my belly and not a penny of my money going to the fat cats and big wigs of the gambling world!

For now, that’ll do me nicely.

Mark 

X

Keep  going.. Going to be bumps in the road. Just finding ways to step over them without falling.. Sounds as though you got it licked mate

Have an easy day 

Boo ??

Posted by: Boo radley

Keep  going.. Going to be bumps in the road. Just finding ways to step over them without falling.. Sounds as though you got it licked mate

Have an easy day 

Boo ??

Thanks @boo-radley

you have made me smile on a day when I am miserable

x

An odd day

Today has been one of those days where I woke up/got woken up on the wrong side of the bed, and never quite recovered it.

so this morning my wife took it upon herself to wake me up quite abruptly, at 09:00, before I carry on, those of you that may be thinking, well 09:00 is a good lay in, where’s the problem? I never lay in! 6 days a week I am up at 03:45 to go to work, and don’t always sleep well.

so anyway, my wife woke me up because I had intended to go to badminton this morning at 10:00, however after waking me up she reminded me that I said I would get her fuel for her this morning before I went out, cue me jumping out of bed, storming into the bathroom, slamming the door shut! I am such a man!

I then went out to get my wife’s fuel, as I said I would, in which time I’d decided that I would skip badminton, as my family needed me more so than I needed to play badminton, there was a lot of stuff that needed doing in the flat, and whilst my wife and child were out I took it upon myself to do these tasks. Again, I am such a man!!

Trying to understand why I was so upset and behaving the way I was, I was drawn to last night, whilst getting quite involved with helping someone on group chat, I asked my wife if she would mind walking all of 3 minutes up the road to get our Chinese order, she said yes originally but then changed her mind, claiming it was tradition that I go and collect it, truth be told this really annoyed and upset me, I had to stop doing something that is important to me, because my wife seemingly couldn’t be bothered to walk and get it!

I have been guilty today of making her feel like she is in a no win situation, and for the record I have apologised and spoken to her before posting this.

I think my anger was exacerbated by the fact that when I came home from work yesterday I allowed her to go and catch up on some sleep for 4 hours!!

I am really sorry to anyone reading this, hoping to get tips or wisdom on giving up gambling, as it’s got sod all to do with it!!! It’s literally me ranting to the community! However I do feel better having written this down, my counsellor is a massive advocate of writing things down anywhere, if only to clear the negativity from your own mind!

Something my experience in the gamcare community to date has given me is the ability to be able to speak up honestly and openly, without the worry of who is right or wrong, but to just be able to freely express how you feel, often how one person feels about a certain situation  is completely different to how you will feel about it, and unless you express those feelings, it can feel as if those closest to you are always trying to work against you.

So I guess if I can relate this story to gambling recovery in any way? I’d say don’t ever be afraid to be honest and true to yourself, sometimes it is only yourself and your own thoughts that you are left with, and you want them to be as clear as they possibly can be.

This battle is just as much about mental health as it is about giving up gambling, they go hand in hand.

Stay safe everyone 

Mark 

X

Writing(instead of gambling) to pass the time.

Ive just dropped my car off for a 10:30 MOT, I have gone to the McDonald’s across the road to have some breakfast and once I’d finished I very quickly found myself bored, this was when it dawned on me that once upon a time I would have spent this time gambling, losing more money than I could justify, I would have viewed this opportunity to spend time away from the wife and child as a good thing, as it would’ve allowed me to gamble in peace, how bloody sad is that?!!!!

Once you take the step back you really start to learn just what gambling is about, how disruptive it is to yours and your family’s life.

I am really glad to have stopped and begun my GF journey, some weeks are harder than others, but for every day I’m GF, I gain more strength and belief than I ever have done before.

Heres to first of all helping myself, and secondly gaining the strength to be able to help others.

Stronger together 

Mark

X

I too find myself with a hour hanging over my head. I finished my to  do stuff  early.

So messaged friend asked her to dinner.. She can't make it. That doesn't deter me. Im Going to buy summat for tea and then eat

Not one hint of gambling involved  as you say...

Till later 

Boo ?

Mark,

thank you so much for your lovely words on my diary. I have no doubt you will have a very fulfilling day today. The lovely thing about being free of gambling is how easy it is to appreciate even the smallest pleasures and moments. Have a good day my friend x

Hi diary

What a busy old day it has been!

Took the car for its MOT this morning,(or as I had to say to my daughter, the car doctors). Whilst waiting for it to be done I had a sneaky McDonald’s breakfast and took the opportunity to read some more of the Allen Carr self help book, if I’m brutally honest it has been some time since I last read it, and was only halfway through, in my opinion it is that powerful a book that I was able to change my views on gambling that quickly!

When collecting my car I was told that it had failed the MOT and that it would cost approximately £400 to repair, in the past this would have caused me immense stress for a number of reasons:-

1. Due to my gambling addiction I may not have had the money to pay such a bill.

2. I would have resented paying such a bill as it would have taken money away from my gambling(how selfish is that?!!)

3. I may have found that due to my gambling addiction that I would’ve had to borrow the money in order to pay the bill, which then would’ve led to me gambling to try and pay it back.

What a big fat EVIL circle gambling really is! In fact this was pretty much the case when my car went through it’s MOT last year.

It is really pleasing to say that this time around things are very different, my wife and I have £400 of savings, and even though we would rather not use it to pay such a bill, it’s better to have the money there than to be trying to find it from somewhere.

I came back from the MOT and we went out swimming, it’s only the third time we have taken our daughter but she is taking to it so well! I’m very proud of her and how she tackles obstacles head on and shows minimal fear.

Throughout the day I had been receiving messages from someone via gumtree, with regards to our sofa we were getting rid of, so this evening they came round and collected it, one thing I do know, the next time I move house I will be taking pictures of how we got various bits of furniture in and out!!

So yes, a day that could and 3 months ago would have started poorly and led to chasing easy money all day/week long, was actually able to be overcome with a real sense of calmness, composure, and was completely stress free.

Today I feel proud of myself and maybe this is the first sign of reaping my rewards for being GF?

Stay safe everyone.

Mark

X

Mark,

that is so lovely to read. Yep, you are reaping the rewards of recovery. Long may it continue my friend x

Posted by: Murlo

Mark,

that is so lovely to read. Yep, you are reaping the rewards of recovery. Long may it continue my friend x

Murlo

bless you got taking the time to say this, it means a lot to me when I see someone of your stature add to my story.

When I am down, you pick me up, and when I am high, you praise me.

A true friend in recovery.

Mark

X

Reaping more rewards.

Yesterday and today I spoke to a couple of friends, they both said how chipper and cheerful I sounded, and that I no longer sounded like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

This made me feel flipping fantastic!!!

That is all for now 

Mark

And so it should Mark, that is fantastic to hear ?

As of midnight tonight I will be 70 days GF, 10 while flipping weeks!!!

As reward to myself I am making today all about me, and my achievement!

thanks to all on the gamcare community for your continued support

Mark