The Impossible

Hi Mask! I've not read your other diary, and as you say you may have read this all before, but here goes anyway. You say you set up another online account, which suggests you had self-excluded from previous accounts? In addition, why not install a filter? K9 is completely free and if you get someone else to run the set-up using their e-mail and get them to choose the password, it is only breakable by re-formatting your machine. The time and effort involved in that, should give you the breathing space to realise it's not the right thing to do and stop you in your tracks. Alternatively (or additionally) if your ISP supports filtering (like BT's parental controls) get them set-up so ANY device that connects to your 'net connection will be blocked. Finally get on to your mobile network and tell them to block 18+ sites. Don't leave any door open or stone unturned, because you now that addiction will creep up on you.

Hey mask,

You say with your debt it will take a year to get your life back, your life is NOW my friend, your NEW life be it with debts or not starts as soon as you accept recovery 100% because the debt from the past doesn't matter now, what matters now is your recovery, that is all that matters at this time, debts can be managed and paid within our means,

Draw the line with debt it's not that important your life and your health IS, pay what you can, but leave enough to live on withou struggling, you have struggled enough, it's time to really think of you now, recovery gives you this inner strength and much needed self security, because if we don't place even a silly tenner, we are winning, and more important we know we will not lose anymore, because we know that silly tenner will end up 100s or 1000s cos we cannot stop til we are wiped out.

As always walking along side with you to keep this horrendous addiction in the gutter where it belongs.

Suzanne xxx

Thank you Suzanne. What you say makes perfect sense. This leads me to believe that I haven't put the losses 100% behind me. I seem to think paying off my debts will ultimately cure me. What I need to do is focus on me, not the debt. A shift in thinking that I haven't managed before.

Thank you for your continued support.

On the positive side, I haven't gambled for three days. And perhaps more noteable is that I actually have money available that I could gamble with. Beforehand I was living off pennies so it's nice to know I can resist urges whilst in posession of money. I hope I can abstain for long enough to get my head straight. I've suffered more than enough, time to start getting busy living!

Themask

Fella without doubt I know for a fact that you will know how to live a thrifty lifestyle, f**k for more than twenty years I kept as much money to exchange into gambling tokens as possible, forgoing the simple things in life to do so.

My entire active gambling life was about survival, living only to get from one gambling episode to the next

The survival of day to day life in between was twisted by my addicted brain into me viewing it as some form of victory.

Recovery has taught me how to truly value every pound, to question the correct way to spend my hard earned.

It took three years of recovery with one 3 hour relapse to see me repay the damage of my final gambling episode.

My friend it can be done, believe in yourself.

Unwittingly you have actually won these past three days, because for us abstinence is simply our winning formula.

Your addiction will be telling you that your life is worse without feeding it,breaking the cycle of further adding to your debt will take time and a great deal of effort to see the fruits of making a decision.

But continued abstinence will offer you opportunity

Take it

Because you are worth more than the outcome of any punt

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Are you still with us Mask?

Hi Clinton, Hi Dunc. Hello others.

I have once again spiralled out of all control. The debt has doubled, the pain continues. I have £2 to live on until pay day. I'm disgusting, I come on here every single time claiming to have a more positive outlook on things, but each and every time I go back to gambling to a greater extent than before.

I'm not worthy of any help or support. I will perhaps come back here when my shame has passed or never if this addiction ultimately takes my life.

I wish everyone well in their recovery. I don't have the energy to continue my efforts.

Hi Mask,

Ya see that picture on your left corner??? Yep...never bloody give up and ride the storm out!
Slips are s*** but they happen, it's all about what we learn from them what matters the most.
I am 3 weeks in from self destruction..does it make me feel any better?...hmmmmm...slightly i must say but urges are here every day but very very slowly I'm learning to take baby steps forward and avoid self destruction...in other words, deal with situations head on, let anger/frustrations/fear/tears flow through my body and soul without making the wrong choice as a resuly..ya know what - it works..day at a time actually works!!!! We don't have to turn to self destruction to help to understand ourselves better..look at yourself, have a glimpse of yoir past, what is causing you such stress and poor decisions? Today is most important of them all...tomorrow will follow...don't look too far..you have it - in you...just open your eyes and accept things you cannot change, change the ones you can and learn to see the difference between them.- accept all right and wrongs and keep moving forward.

My thoughts are with you, you and your life is worth fighting for.

One day at a time...make that most important step - accept you cannot win cause you can't stop. And believe in yourself cause recovery IS POSSIBLE!

Just do it..you are not alone

Sandra x

2 days....

Thanks Sandra. You have motivated me to not giving up on recovery. It's so difficult, with every relapse the pain and suffering magnify...every period of abstinence results in a significant new level of loss and despair. Scraping through every month, lying to those who invite me to go places. Its a position I am sickened to be in, and perhaps the reason I attempt to gamble my way out of.

My last post was off the back of a massive loss and I believe I over reacted. I will keep fighting this until my last breath. One day I will escape the clutches of the gambling demons and be able to live, what I perceive, as a 'normal' life.

P.s. I tried to find your diary to respond to you in, but either you don't have one, or I am going blind!

Hi,

You CAN do this and you WILL do this

Planning for eventualities will help and learning to recognise signs. Not going to happen immediately but when you do it the first time and realise you have, it will bring a huge sense of moving forward.

Rant, rave, scream, shout, do whatever but don't gamble.

Can you pass cards, cash onto someone to look after?

Best wishes

Thanks Balvaird.

I think that's me moving on to day eight. I don't even see that as any form of achievement. I won't be satisfied until I've reached a year.

Keep going mask. I too have relapsed numerous times but each time has taught me something new. I have to stop this time and it is that simple. I must stop. You can so it as well.

Well, today I went into a bookies. (So much for self exclusion). I stood behind four people playing the machines. I watched on as one woman hit two zeros in succession with a fiver on each time. Exactly my way of playing. My eyes then transferred to the guy to the far right, he was feeding note after note, chasing only three numbers. He got destroyed and left abruptly, freeing up one machine. I thought over my options. 1. It's got to pay, and I want that feeling of hitting high paying numbers to create some extra cash. 2. Walk away. Do not spend a single penny and walk away a winner. Everything in my mind was driving me to approach the machine. Moments later another man approached the free machine. I relaxed a little, I couldn't play. Then the woman who had a hot streak of luck walked away. I hit a crossroads, jump on the machine or leave the building and go and get some lunch.

I have no idea how I resisted the pull, but I left and went and enjoyed lunch. I ate lunch, with a massive smile on my face, and enjoyed every single mouthful. For me, this is a huge step forward. To be that close to my demon and walk away is something I have never had the strength to do before. I looked my demons straight in the eye and walked away. Admittedly, I am annoyed that I went in to begin with, but the outcome was brilliant. Despite a decade of gambling, today I reclaimed an element of control.

Hi Mask... well done on walking away. There must have been something deep in your heart telling you that it was very bad for you to be there. Maybe there was some guilt or you'd have jumped on that machine straight away. However, I still think it was very dangerous for you to be in there at all. I think you got lucky and on another day it could have ended in disaster. I don't want you to go down that route. Maybe you need to view even stepping inside a bookies as gambling. There is absolutely no reason for you to be in there if you're committed to quitting. I know it is tough. It's really really tough!

We've all got to stop... it's not progressing our lives... it's not making us happy... we know that whatever happens it will eventually end in loss. We have an addiction.

I want to help you, others and myself as best I can so whenever you feel the urge just post on here or my page and I'll try to respond asap. Have a good day tomorrow. Don't stand foot in a bookies. Don't even look at a bookies front window. Just walk past, eat your lunch and have a big fat smile on your face. Keep going pal and get winning in life rather than losing!

How you doing Mask?