Good morning all,
This is my diary, today marks 40 days GF, not in its entirety as I still play the lottery (£10-£15 per week, I’m in a syndicate) and I’ve bought about 4 scratchcards since, spent £12 and “won” a tenner. These are things that I can live and deal with.
My latest and last vice to gambling was the slots, all online. I’ve finally been able to look at a full months worth of bank statements and there’s not one gambling transaction on there! Massive achievement that I thought that I’d never in a million years be able to achieve!
My online addiction started about 10 years ago and although I’m not in a great deal of debt through it the cycle of it was never ending. Payday on a Friday would mean pay the bills, do the shopping, start drinking and then self destruct. Wake up on a Saturday with 2 hangovers and repeat the cycle again. I really do dread to think what I’ve spent over these last 10 years. There have been wins but they are far outweighed by the losses.
Anyway my partner caught me, something that I’ve been so good at hiding over the years, my phone bill landed, direct debit unpaid, £540 for the month! She looked at me and asked how the hell could it be that much! I had no choice but I had to come clean, it was a huge amount to her (it’s ridiculous to me now), my phone bills have been stupidly high for the last 2 years. I’m so thankful that she found out and it has given me the kick up the backside that I needed to do something about it, every CG knows that they’ve got a problem but it’s when you know that you WANT to do something about it that’s when results can and will happen. It’s early doors for me at the moment but with the blocks that I’ve got in place along with gamstop means that I cannot and will go back to that dark place. I now feel a freedom in my life that I haven’t felt since my early teenage years, 20 plus years of self destruction gambling, smoking, drugs and drinking. I’ve eliminated 3 of them. I still like a pint lol ! Anyway enough rambling on, I will post here as often as I can as I’ve emersed myself for the last 40 days in everyone else’s recovery, and if I can help any future recoverers with my story that would be great!
Much love. Daniel
Day 41,
Feeling bogging today, my 3 year old thought it would be great to get up at 4.30, the old routine would have been to let the Mrs stay in bed and I would halfheartedly played with him whilst keeping an eye on the auto spin on the slots on my phone. Tragic I know. These are the days that I’ll never get back with my little boy and each moment is so special (however tired I’m feeling!). It didn’t help that me and the Mrs binged watched the first season on peaky blinders and fell asleep around 12. Anyway plenty of coffee, little bit weary eyed in work this morning but no thoughts to gamble whatsoever! To be honest and I don’t want to curse but I’m finding it kinda easy, the blocks in place have probably made it that way but I feel a lot better than I’ve done in years. When I was deep in my addiction I thought there was no way out, I felt the same when I had a huge drug problem (C*****e) and also felt it with the f**s. So the drugs were 10+ years ago, the f**s 11 months ago and now the gambling 41 days, early days I know but I feel like I’m slowly conquering my demons one by one. I may even be in church this time Sunday! (Laughs jokingly).
Anyway I will stick to this!
Much love, Daniel
11 months off the ciggies
Dmpowell81 wrote:
Good morning all,
This is my diary, today marks 40 days GF, not in its entirety as I still play the lottery (£10-£15 per week, I’m in a syndicate) and I’ve bought about 4 scratchcards since, spent £12 and “won” a tenner. These are things that I can live and deal with.
My latest and last vice to gambling was the slots, all online. I’ve finally been able to look at a full months worth of bank statements and there’s not one gambling transaction on there! Massive achievement that I thought that I’d never in a million years be able to achieve!
My online addiction started about 10 years ago and although I’m not in a great deal of debt through it the cycle of it was never ending. Payday on a Friday would mean pay the bills, do the shopping, start drinking and then self destruct. Wake up on a Saturday with 2 hangovers and repeat the cycle again. I really do dread to think what I’ve spent over these last 10 years. There have been wins but they are far outweighed by the losses.
Anyway my partner caught me, something that I’ve been so good at hiding over the years, my phone bill landed, direct debit unpaid, £540 for the month! She looked at me and asked how the hell could it be that much! I had no choice but I had to come clean, it was a huge amount to her (it’s ridiculous to me now), my phone bills have been stupidly high for the last 2 years. I’m so thankful that she found out and it has given me the kick up the backside that I needed to do something about it, every CG knows that they’ve got a problem but it’s when you know that you WANT to do something about it that’s when results can and will happen. It’s early doors for me at the moment but with the blocks that I’ve got in place along with gamstop means that I cannot and will go back to that dark place. I now feel a freedom in my life that I haven’t felt since my early teenage years, 20 plus years of self destruction gambling, smoking, drugs and drinking. I’ve eliminated 3 of them. I still like a pint lol ! Anyway enough rambling on, I will post here as often as I can as I’ve emersed myself for the last 40 days in everyone else’s recovery, and if I can help any future recoverers with my story that would be great!
Much love. Daniel
Hi Daniel, congrats on your progress sounds like you’re doing great and are in a better place already.
Just a word of caution on the scratchys, as I’m only a week off them. It only takes a big win, £50, £100 or even more to drag you back in, could you really keep all those winnings and not be tempted to place that “free money” on another form of gambling? It’s hard when it’s scratch cards as you can’t exclude yourself from a newsagents, supermarket, petrol station like you can online and at The bookies. Sorry don’t want to put a negative on a great 40 days for you just offering my opinion.
Hi leedsfan,
I know where my main vice is that was swallowing £100’s each week of my money(slots), I totally understand where your coming from with the scratchcards, when I “won” £10 last week after spending £12, my old head would have just gone back in the shop and bought a £10, I cashed it out and later on in the day we all had fish and chips out of it, we would have had the fish and chips anyway but the old me would have been £10 down and would have started to chase it! If I can keep my scratchcard habit to £15 a month then I’d be a happy man, in saying that I might knock even that on the head soon. One step at a time! Congratulations on the start of your recovery! I wish yourself and everyone else reading this the very best on your road to happiness.
Much love, Daniel
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Dmpowell81 wrote:
Hi leedsfan,
I know where my main vice is that was swallowing £100’s each week of my money(slots), I totally understand where your coming from with the scratchcards, when I “won” £10 last week after spending £12, my old head would have just gone back in the shop and bought a £10, I cashed it out and later on in the day we all had fish and chips out of it, we would have had the fish and chips anyway but the old me would have been £10 down and would have started to chase it! If I can keep my scratchcard habit to £15 a month then I’d be a happy man, in saying that I might knock even that on the head soon. One step at a time! Congratulations on the start of your recovery! I wish yourself and everyone else reading this the very best on your road to happiness.
Much love, Daniel
That’s great, sounds like you have a really positive attitude. I can’t just buy one scratch card unfortunately last week I was “just”having £20s worth which turned into £100 and then more. It was slightly embarrassing when me and my partner walked into our local newsagents a few weeks ago and they called me “scratchcard lady” if it wasn’t so sad it would be funny! This was before I fessed up to my other half about all this so got quite a few questions.
goodnluck with your journey, we will get there
Day 42,
Hi leedsfan can relate to the scratchcard lady! Used to be a regular myself! Anyway 6 weeks today without a bet, 5 full weeks worth of wages and not a penny to the demon. Put my usual £5 on the euros for tonight, fingers crossed! Beat the urge to by a scratchcard so happy about that, won’t beat myself up if I have one during the week mind. Wedding tomorrow so will have our first occasion without me gambling, I could guarantee that tonight would have been a heavy night if I was still going through the motions then tomorrow I’d be grumpy all day ready to come home to repeat the cycle again. I’m not that person anymore!
Much love, Daniel
Day 43,
Wedding going well so far, no booze for me though as I’m driving. My little boy has been non stop mind! Hopefully will be home by half 7 and have a few glasses of wine and chill a bit. There was a bandit by the bar, the old me would have thrown a tenner in without thinking of it, not today though, I’ve got this! Sod all on the lottery last night, said to my mate that if we saved it through the year then we would have £520 to do something for Christmas, could probably have a night or two away on the pop, or a really good night down the strip club!!!!!
Much love, Daniel
Day 44,
Got out in the sun this morning, nice long walk through the forest with the Mrs and little man, 7 weeks ago I’d more than likely have been feeling the dreaded gambling hangover, the dread of losing it all and then the torture that it brings with trying to make ends meet for the coming week. Not today though! Each day gets a little bit better, baby steps because we all know that Rome wasn’t built a day! (Only because I wasn’t on the job!!!). Over and out for now as I’m watching wales play New Zealand under 20’s and they are not actually doing that bad!
Much love, Daniel
Day 45,
As a gambler the little voice in my head would keep telling me “it’s my money, I’ve earned it and I can do whatever I want to with it”, not sure if anybody else on here has felt that feeling too? I’m still very much in the early days but I somehow feel that the thought process has changed, I now feel disgusted and my mindset now is that I’ve stolen that money from our family. It really is a horrible addiction when viewed from the outside looking in. My confidence is slowly regaining, I look much better that I have done in years, carrying the gambling weight around for so many years certainly takes its toll! Anyway the suns out and enjoying yet another day GF!
Much love, Daniel
Day 46,
Bank statement!
I’m sitting here having great pleasure looking through the last 6 weeks worth of transactions on my account, I’ve got £1.04 in my bank and I feel absolutely great ( all transferred to Mrs !), not one transaction for gambling! Usually it would be the same left in my account now with lots and lots of £10 and £20 transactions. Not today though! But if I scroll down a little further past that 6 weeks the true depth of self destruction is there to see in all it’s “glory”! Gut wrenching it is now, how was I so foolish? I dread to even count it, it’s not pretty. For what? Absolutely zilch, I would have had more fun burning it! Anyway forget about the losses they are gone, onwards and upwards!
Much love, Daniel
Day 48,
I forgot to post yesterday!
Tomorrow will mark 7 weeks since my last bet. I bumped into two different people in town yesterday and the first thing they said was “Daniel you ain’t half looking well”. I felt chuffed with this as I hadn’t seen either of them for maybe a year, I’ve packed the f**s in and am eating much healthier than I ever have done, only drinking 2 nights a week (I love my booze!). The weight has been lost now, not physically (I’m working on that!) but mentally. I’m thinking straight. Usually Thursdays I’d be itching waiting to be paid on Friday, looking for new sites to sign up to for the offers, setting a budget but always going over it! Usually a third of my pay! Not now though, I’m actually looking at camping equipment for the weekend. How things change in a little time. Hopefully the weather will be nice for Saturday night and the 3 of us can set off in the tent. Mrs is a camping virgin mind so should be fun!
Much love, Daniel
Day 49,
I think I’m addicted to Gamcare! Think I’ll start a new website dealing with this addiction!!!
Anyway, looking up to our elders, in the term of other members on here with more days under their belts than me. I’m very much in the early days of recovery so my words may not have as much of an impact as someone with years under their belts, but if I can offer anybody any advice or help here then feel free to ask! I think each and every one of us on here has their own recovery method that varies from person to person, what works for one may not work for another, our end goal is the same mind to stay and remain gamble free for as long as it takes. I’m hoping that I too will become one of the elders on here one day to help others on the road to recovery!
Much love, Daniel
Day 50,
A little milestone!!! Managed to have a lie in this morning, 7.30 which is something of a miracle with my little boy, he’s usually up at about 6.00 with these light mornings. He will be 3 next Tuesday. Time doesn’t half fly! Anyway I’m being a top bloke and letting the Mrs stay in bed for a bit, usually I’d be gambling by now but not for me today. Might even have a celebratory maccyd’s for breakfast when she wakes. Hope you all have a lovely gamble free weekend in the sun!
Much love, Daniel
Dmpowell81 wrote:
Day 50,
A little milestone!!! Managed to have a lie in this morning, 7.30 which is something of a miracle with my little boy, he’s usually up at about 6.00 with these light mornings. He will be 3 next Tuesday. Time doesn’t half fly! Anyway I’m being a top bloke and letting the Mrs stay in bed for a bit, usually I’d be gambling by now but not for me today. Might even have a celebratory maccyd’s for breakfast when she wakes. Hope you all have a lovely gamble free weekend in the sun!
Much love, Daniel
Hi Daniel, well done on your big 5 0 days GF, that’s a massive achievement. Enjoy your weekend with your family 🙂 x
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