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I wanted to post something about urges hence the film title and I was going to suggest someone else wrote it. It's a huge part of recovery and one that many suffer with. At the new Thursdays with Sam zoom yesterday, Sam did a short talk about the science around urges and how they relate to him. That followed a discussion which was very good.
I mentioned that Ive not had any urges in recovery to date and long may that continue. The last ten or more years of my addiction were absolute chaos and I learned each day to be in play with a bet that would take place at some point that day. I would go to sleep and place a bet on an event around the world so as to wake up and see the result.
As I gambled everyday and knew I would it's difficult to remember what an urge is like, describe it, own it and know what to do with it.
Can anyone describe what an urge feels like to them and how they put it to bed ?
Hey Stuart - this is a great one, I would be interested in some of the science behind urges as I have definitely struggled with them, especially in the first week. I am sure everyone's experience will be different, but for me how I see urges are being totally consumed with the need to gamble and not being able to think about anything else.
Mine will start with a thought, usually around wanting to gamble, convincing myself I enjoy it, promising myself I will only deposit £100, then I will keep that as a baseline and just keep winning and withdrawing. if I can get it to £250 I will withdraw £150, keep my base of £100 and use the £150 to pay debt off, then repeat, always thinking I will just keep the £100 base - of course we all know that £100 quickly goes and you convince yourself just another £100, before you know it you are £500 in.
so it starts as a thought, then I will start becoming irritable if I cannot gamble soon, so if I am out, I will want to rush to get home, if someone is talking to me I will want to quickly finish the conversation so I can go and gamble - to the point my partner would be talking to me and I would literally be stood at the door with my back against him showing I want to leave the room while he is still talking, because im desperate to get to another room to gamble. then this sigh of relief when I can gamble. obviously that relief very quickly turns into major anxiety and the losses come, followed by upset, distress, anxiety.
it all starts as a simple thought to gamble for me. when them urges come its like everything I have learnt goes out the window, and my brain telling me it will just be a small deposit is so much stronger than me telling myself dont do it, you know it doesnt end well, think about your recovery, think about all the losses, its never worked until now why would it work now? but its almost like the urge is so strong you literally just ignore all those logical thoughts.
those urges were INTENSE in that first week. I hadn't realised how many similarities there would be with a physical addiction. I always thought how hard physical addictions to substances are because your body is physically experiencing the effects, but honestly, on day 7 of stopping, I was literally writhing around in bed fighting the urges and thoughts, it felt painful. it was so hard. and I suddenly realised how similar all addictions are regardless of what form they take.
thankfully those strong urges have now passed, and although I am still getting the thoughts, I mentioned in my recovery diary this morning that I feel like the balance has tipped and my thoughts of recovery have more strength than the thoughts about gambling. I feel like the balance is tipping and I am able to show my brain that it is wrong, and all the things I have learnt in recovery are right.
thats how it shows up for me, small thought to gamble, which spirals into convincing myself I can win back some losses and I will only deposit a bit and then stop, frantically then getting in a position where I can gamble and becoming incredibly irritable if I can't, not being present, wanting to rush back home to gamble (I am an online slots gambler), not feeling present in conversations because all I can think about is wil this person shut up so I can leave the room and gamble, followed by initial relief and excitement when I finally gamble, followed by anxiety, distress when I inevitably lose everything again.
thank god I am on my recovery journey!! that sounds horrifying when I set it all out like that.
Hi Elsa
Great post and thank you for sharing. I know some people have urges, years into recovery but know how to cope with them. One thing I've learned about recovery is that it gets easier but not easy. You think something won't come back and then it hits you but you've coped before and resilience gets stronger.
In terms of urges, on the Evive app for gambling recovery there are some great tools and lessons. There is also a meditation called surfing the urges which is amazing. The app is free and I use bother Gamcare which I love and is number one please Evive. You can DM people on Evive to create recovery buddies and also access some great meetings
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