The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

How you doing Markman?

It’s been a month pal? Check back and let us know how you’re doing!

Hi Markman,

Hope all is well and the holiday was good and all gambling thoughts are far from your mind.

Paulds

Thanks for thinking about me Change and Paul. It means a lot. I am still around!

The holiday was so wonderful. The French Riviera, The Italian Riviera, Paris, the volcanos of Auvergne, Pisa, Monaco, Cannes, Antibes, Nice, Chamonix, Aix-les-Bains, Troyes, Geneva, Bruges... We saw it all. I drove my poor family 3000 miles in the space of two weeks because I wanted to show them everything.

As Zoe's friend said, as a family "we must love each other" to want to spend so much time in a car together!

I will never forget feeling the warmth of the Mediterranean on my legs for the first time, or seeing the skyscrapers of Monaco from the mountains above, like ants below, or the humidity and smell of pine inthe Roquebrune-cap-Martin Air.

We ran out of money half way through our trip so I now have to grind until Christmas to repay the loans that I amassed. But boy were they worth it!

Thankfully we missed the floods in the south of France and, having driven over the Morandi Bridge twice in the days before, were on the A10 Autostrade 10 minutes away before its tragic collapse. Bless those poor people. I am so grateful for my own blessings!

Markman

Boy, that was a great post to read!

Now that I have reached my DFD and paid off all of my loans, I am adamant that I will never, ever take out a loan again. Once you take out a loan, you are paying a good amount of money for... nothing.

There are loans that people need to take in order to get some short-term stability in their financial lives. This is very much true in the case of a problem gambler as those loans will help in the short-term but we often forget how much they actually cost in the long-term. Especially if you have a lot more than one loan going at the same time.

But when I read your post, it was hearterning to see that a loan was taken for very much the right reasons. Whilst I would still be a little concerned at the lack of finanicial planning for this trip, after all, us problem gamblers are usually incredibly good with planning finances outside of the gambling world, you must be feeling very much positive knowing that this particular loan was taken out for all of the right reasons.

Life is definitely for living and memories are there to be made.

By experiencing this holiday, you have most definitely been able to do this.

As long as you continue not to gamble, many more of those memories are there to be made.

NT

Great post Markman. So happy for you! And so relieved you’re all good... don’t leave us hanging like that! Keep the faith!

I have been all at sea these past two months, floundering like sailor who has just abandoned ship, and these log-in issues have really left me marooned.

I had such a great holiday with the family, then got back to the tedious domestic sphere and the intense distressing work environment. My depression (and I do not use this word lightly) intensified and I alleviated the pain with the only medicine readily available.

What should have been, but is never, a quick fix, took a firm hold and rooted itself in my mind and the rest is a self-fullling prophesy. Two months on a flimsy raft in the deep, dark open ocean with nothing other than my addiction for company.

For once I have arrested my behaviour before any financial damage has been done, however my mental state has taken a hammering.

I am going to start another gamble free run and keep my head down and focus firmly on family and work once more. With winter and the dark months around the corner, it is not going to be easy, but it is reassuring that I can log-in once again and communicate with the crew-mates of whom I have grown so very fond over the years and really would not want to be without.

Markman

Good to hear from you Markman. Sad news you’ve been struggling. It’s tough having to deal with the daily grind in a fragile state. Hope you’re turning the corner and ok mentally.

Markman
Fella we have been around for a while now, I guess that you are just not ready to shut the door on addiction, why do I write that??
Because I believe that you are living the cycle.
Spend time in an arrested state, build up a block of gamble free time and for your efforts addiction talks you into believing that you deserve a punt for the effort you put in.
I did that for a period of five years, for five years I let addiction share my mind space, and I willingly let it.
What's different today for me??
A truly life changing set of events, a set of events that left me bare, I had a choice to make.
I believe that I understand addiction today, I live with it, yes it still comes to the forefront of my mind with it's allure and empty pleas and I know what to do.
Don't isolate myself.
Be honest with everyone regarding addictions presence.
Remove myself from the ability to let addiction have a green light.
It's not easy, I fed it for more than twenty years.
You can have the same fella.
You have my email, I will happily give you my number.
I don't want another soul on this earth to have to get where I did before a lifetime change is sort.
I think a good place to start would be to look at your depression, something I live with in equal measure.
You don't have to be ashamed my dear friend, its an illness.
You know where to find me.
I am stood by your side.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Markman, with you on the logging in issues! ! Sorry you have been having a rough trot, I guess holidays are a glimpse of full on happiness then the reality of coming back to everyday life is hard. I can tell you are totally committed to work and family but don't forget to look after yourself. It'S such hard work being strong all the time but it'S ok to feel sad, angry etc Sorry if this sounds like a naff self help lecture! With you a 100% take care S 🙂

Hi Markman... how you doing? I messed up again. Such a s**t show.

Current Status: Gamble free and taking each day as it comes and all eyes on family in the run up to the festive period.

Nice one Markman! Really pleased to hear that. Sorry for my bad news.

Hi Markman, thanks for your kind post. Things have certainly changed alot for ne since starting here. Older, a tiny bit wiser but still hold on to how gambling made ne feel so I don't go back there...ever. Odaat is the way to go! Take care S 🙂

The triangle is finally broken. Those experienced recovering gamblers will know what I mean.

At 8:50 this morning, I decided to drive left; rather than right.

Right would have taken me to the bank to the deposit the money I had in my pocket for my wife.

Unfortunately left was the wrong turn and when I finally did turn right, I no longer had any money in my pocket.

There is no justicifaction for this. I allowed addiction in through a wide open door which, through my own choosing, I failed to close - time and time again.

I arrived at work at shortly after feeling disconsolate. Not about the money I threw away yet again, but mortified as I had let down my wife who was expecting the money in her account this morning and also my son for whom some of the money was to buy theatre tickets.

Guilt. Shame. Fear. Self-loathing. You name it, I felt it all this morning. What do I do?

I phone my wife. Tell her him blew the money in a moment of madness. I apologise. She understands and does not judge. All my cash is in her control once again.

I take two hours off sick. I drive home. Pick up more cash. Deposit the correct amount into my wife's bank account. I books Louis's theatre tickets. I then drive to Tesco. I buy passport photos. I call National Exclusion and email them my driving licence and a passport photo. I talk with them on the phone for almost an hour and they note every shop in the area which I have been to or risk going to - and the number of shops I have been to is eye-watering! I have self-excluded in all shops in a wide area for the minimium 12 months and also for the maximum 5 years with Gamstop so I cannot bet in shop or online.

I breath a sigh relief. The pressure to gamble that addiction places on me is lifted. I do not feel that I could gamble now even if I wanted to.

I appreciate that these are the usual bold words from a nonsensical addict. But I really need and want to give up gambling for good. I have come clean to my wife, I have self-excluded online in shops (notwithstanding the humiliation) and just want to get the peace back that I had in the months before the big family summer holiday.

I now need to focus on the restoration of my mental health and take each day as it comes.

Markman