Oh my Markman! That sounds like a moment of madness. At least you had the toughness to not let it descend into mayhem. Your head is probably buzzing but I’m here for you. I’m on day 11 now. Let me know if you wanna exchange emails or alike and we can go through admin. I think we both could do with a daily support / sponsor.
Hi Markman sorry you're having a tough time. I can relate to your post and reading in between the lines you maybe in the same groove that I still can't get out of (still GF though!), which is the low self worth and possibly thinking you don't deserve to be happy? In the past sometimes I would wake up knowing I would gamble and fully aware of the damage it would cause and how it would make me feel. But did it anyway! Logic and sense straight out the window. Keep posting, be kind to yourself and take all the help you can get, take care S 🙂
Change and Sharon - thank you so much for your kind words of support. I do not feel as though I deserve them, but really need them right now.
Change - I am not sure abourt the process but I have no problem with Gamcare sharing my email address with you.
Sharon - I know that low self esteem you speak of. There is always a part of me that does not beleive that I will ever kick this and be happy. But maybe that is addiction talking.
I think Duncan hit the nail on the head in his last post above. There is a big part of me that does not want to stop gambling and this is why I go months on end gamble free only to fall flat on my face. I am sure this is purely addiction. I have gambled complulsively for over a thrid of my life and so it will be a long time before I quench the desire to gamble, if I can do so al all.
By self-excuding at all local shops and online for the longest possible term I now have bigger barriers in place than ever before and have hopefully given myself a decent platform and can hopefully show those who know me that I am serious about recovery.
I now need to be patient and be strong-willed and I might just be ok.
Markman
Have you seen this?
He’s also done recent similar work on depression.
You talk of quenching the thirst. I agree but we might disagree on how to achieve this. You appear to suggest that by simply abstaining for long enough that this non-act will itself banish the thirst.
IMO this isn’t how it works. This guy above talks elsewhere about how psychs used to think that substances like heroine would create addiction regardless of the individual. This was based on rats who would always opt for the heroine laced water rather than pure water - to their death.
However this test was conducted on rats in an empty cage with nothing else to do, no purpose! They redid the test but this time the rats had a stimulated environment, with other rat friends, food, lots to play with, s*x at the ready etc.
The result? The rats stopped opting for the dope laced water. Their conditions had changed so that the dope water lost its attraction.
The point? Well something about you is causing you to reach for the escape of gambling.
and it’s not gambling. (That’s WHERE you’re reaching for. Not why.)
its you!
Don’t take that the wrong way. We’re all in the same boat.
Your response seems to be to tackle gambling via cutting off access. This is targeting gambling instead of yourself.
you need to be able to recognise what’s wrong and then effect a change in behaviour accordingly. No mean feat but absolutely doable...and exciting.
Louis
Very well said Louis.
Markman from my many years watching an addict from the sideline it's clear this addiction is not about the money. It's just that it seems to be the most tangible/easiest thing that you can sink your teeth into rather than tackling the issues of why you gamble in the first place.
Barriers are great to give yourself breathing space while you work on things but they are not a long term solution as it's just keeping a lid on things.
As Louis said, this is very doable. You are not resigned to this life of using will power and white knuckling your way through. You are worth so much more.
Cathyx
Hope you’re doing ok Markman! Thinking about you. Emailed forum admin but not heard back yet.
Markman if you could email forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk they said they would sort it and hopefully we can help each other along with and nudge each other along
Hey markman
I hope you're ok and gathering yourself after the other day. Stay strong and continue to be reflective and philosophical about what happened... The pragmatism bit you seem to have covered already.
This addiction is powerful... So powerful as you and I know, but replace the pain with patience... Replace the hopelessness and resentment with hope and optimism and let's see where it takes you... Good luck - you will rise again mate.
Thank you once again Cardhue, Change, Amom and Signalman for your words of support and encouragement. To say that I am moved by the incredible level of support from this wonderful forum is an understatement.
Just a brief update. 4 days gamble free. The "haze," as I call it, has worn off and I am seeing things clearly. Massive urges to gamble over the weekend, however given the shop self-exlusions I did not think twice about chancing my luck.
I have an accounts examination in Central London on Wednesday and have spent most of my weekends revising so something to keep me focussed and on the straight and narrow.
Markman
You ARE worth it x
ALN thank you for taking the time to post. It really means a lot. I have tried GA on numerous occasions but is not for me . That being said there is lots to work on spiritually and I will have the support I need.
ODAAT - right back at you x
So I get on the Underground and after an hour and a half of standing up with face pressed against the glass like a sardine I arrive at Fenchurch Street, the exam venue.
It could not have been scripted better. Literally right next door to the venue was a WH Betting Shop - right in the City of London.
I have no self-exclusion there so I walked in a casually placed a bet - only joking - I walked straight past!
This was a bit of a wake up call and showed just how problematic the prevalence of betting shops is absolutely everywhere.
I actually felt angry at the relentless salvo on our money.
Anyway the exam went well and already a week GF tomorrow.
Markman
Markman
Fella well done for getting to your exam without distraction.
For me fella the fact is gambling will exist as a proposition for everyone, gambling has existed for as long as man and will continue to as long as folk want the opportunity.
One of my sons has a couple of pounds a week on a football accumulator and if he wins or loses it doesn't affect his life in the fashion it does mine or yours.
I don't have an issue with the gambling industry I have a problem with the compulsion to gamble, an addiction.
Funny that the government, the gambling industry, the press and even my GP fail to qualify it the same, they all share a common term 'problem gambling'
For me that's offensive, something to get emotional about because the day that the powers that be recognise compulsive gambling as an addiction it will get funded by the government as an addiction and folk will find help.
Because without peer to peer support through this forum and ga what actually is there available??
Counselling?? What is the remit of a counsellor, to help you with a problem or addiction??
It's a great question, one that I believe would help so many folk who truly need it.
You know I found ga a great help, but I do believe that I was fortunate in the room I found because in truth I have visited other rooms and the approach was different and not one that I found as inspiring. But I am sure that would be a reverse for others.
Bottom line is fella it's about finding a way to live without destruction.
There are many roads to that, one size doesn't fit all, yes many elements overlap but it's a bespoke.
Find one that has the least amount of potholes and follow it.
Me I will be by your side.
With strength and honour.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Well done at avoiding and well done with the exam.
You’re going to be faced with the demon again at some point and you need to remain as resolute. Keep going.
11 Days Gamble Free -
Right behind my family. On top of work. Remembering that I am no more happy when I am in action.
Markman
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