The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Markman.
Fella in action I was the person I despised most in life.
Self centered, deceitful, greedy and I would lie to the folk I cared for most with far to much ease.
You are back at the crease fella, building another innings, for me I hope you have the ability to keep that hallowed N.O next to your score because in doing so you will go from right behind to right beside your family.
Straight bat my friend and leave the balls outside that off stump to pass, no point in swinging at those because they can provide an uncertain outcome.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

25*

Hi Mark

Those blasted shops are everywhere right? Life is like a game of Frogger for us... Just keep moving forward and avoid hazards at all costs. Stand still in the middle of traffic and you'll get splat :o) the trick is to move a bit, stop temporarily and analyse your next move forward, then make it and so on.

Sorry if you're not familiar with Frogger - if not then the whole analogy will be somewhat trivial I guess... (Frog, moving traffic, crossy road game... You get the idea) :o)

Keep moving friend but don't forget to stop in safe places and plan your next move forward... Then make it.

There will always be a few squashed frogs on the gamble free road and a some lazy toads lounging around.

If we are to navigate this road safely we need the cunning of a fox, the patience of an ant, the wisdom of an owl and the heart of a lion.

The addiction is smart and intent on destroying us but fore-warned is fore-armed and we know what to expect.

We have all made a conscious decision to refrain from gambling so let us not question it.

We must stay focussed on the journey ahead and never let our resolve weaken...stephen

40*

36*

Two reasons to smile!

Edit.

* is a symbol on a cricket score card denoting "not out" - thank you Mr Mac

Wow! It has been a massively trying month. But finally the graft has paid off!

I arrived at work to find my office decorated to the hilt with Happy 40th Banners, cards and presents - a bottle of Baileys, books on cricket and history and from my boss two 4 star nights with 3 course meals each night in a hotel for me and my wife. Venues all over the country - it will be a toss between Leeds and Dunfirmline.

And then - an envelope, shimmering like gold underneath the sun - my Christmas bonus!

And now, two weeks to relax at home with my beautiful family. But not before dinner tonight at the Crazy Bear with my colleagues.

This time last year I stopped off at mutiple shops and gifted away my Christmas Bonus on the way to the work Christmas do. Not today.

As I type I am sat in the barbers waiting to get my hair cut. I just politely declined one barber's offer to sit on his seat. But I would rather wait for "my guy." He is a bit more expensive but he knows me and, more importantly, my hair.

Just a moment ago I went to buy a new casual blazer, but walked out empty handed. I will not go up to a 52. That sits two big on the shoulders. I will return after Christmas a size 48 and will buy the perfect green/brown blazer - something I can wear with jean or chinos - I have in my sights.

And now hair time...

Markman

Hi Markman, belated happy 40th!!!! Also wishing you and your family a Happy Festive break, well deserved Sx

Happy 40th mate :o)

Hope the works do was a good bash!

You ok pal?

Thanks again for your kind word Change. I have sent you an email.

So, I had what turns out to be a panic attack on 27th December 2018. No reason whatsoever, however these things can apparently turn up for no immediate reason and without any notice.

A sudden immense fear and intense anxiety came over me as I started worring about what 2019 might hold and whether any of my previous misguided and selfish actions would come back to haunt me. A cold sweat and my heart felt like it was going to explode.

Once this settled I was straight back into action as I desperately sought any way out. I spent the next three days immersed in the only way I known how to mentally escape. And then my current account hit zero and I was finally relieved of my burden.

So here I am, 11 days into 2019 and I am pleased to say that I am so far gamble free. Financially things are ok as I am still benefiting from about 18 months broken abstinence over the past two and a half years.

All of the blocks remain in place. Gamstop still has over 4 years to run and I have self-excluded from over 100 local shops - it is not easy to self exclude in London.

All excess money is still given Rosie so even if I do slip the final damage would not be catasrophic - but the emotional and mental damage would be.

I keep making the mistake of setting myself too large a goal and drive myself to the point of insanity with impatience and yearning for my goals to be reached.

It stands to reason that I mentally break down whenever I reach them, as per the last two summers and just this Christmas. Taking one day at a time is very cliche but I think that might be what is needed for me.

Everyday that I abstain from gambling is a small battle won and I should be content with this.

There are of course the underlying psycholgical issues which still need to be addressed.

An underlying depression and anxiety and general feeling of self-worthlessness, all no doubt stemming back to the domestic violence and emotional abuse I was subjected to as a child.

I am getting some counselling. Maybe 30 years too late. But it is clear that gambling is not the real problem, more of an expensive and painful symptom.

Today I have not gambled.

This morning I am close to what some might describe as inner peace, but with me that can end in a flash.

I am at my desk in a warm and cosy office. Soon I will be very bored (no doubt) but I must not forget that I am blessed with a job that some people would bite an arm off for.

Like the poor, homeless man who is currently mummified in a sleeping back on boxes in the undercroft car park literally beneath my feet. Charles Dickens could not have written it.

He is clearly suffring from his own broken world. He is rarely lucid. I am not sure whether drugs or alcohol. No judgement from me as I am no better than this wretched man.

I am just as big an addict as he is and it is but for the grace of God that our positions are not reversed. We bring him a cup of coffee from time to time. On Christmas Eve I tried to give him £20.00 for some food, but he was too intoxicated to realise, so I just left the money on his pillow. I hope he found some use for it and that it gave him a little comfort.

There is so much more to say but I suppose I had better get back to doing what I love!

People wonder why the legal process takes so long and I can confirm that it is becuase most lawyers are addicts in some form and are probably updating their "whatever" recovery diary on "whatever" recovery forum that happens to cater for their particular weakness.

At least I can make some people happy doing what I do; I can just never do enough.

Markman

Markman
Fella you write words that could have been written by any compulsive gambler who seeks recovery but can't let go of addiction and its hold.
The desire to empty all available funds, food for addiction because through doing so relief is found.
The desire to lose because winning would just prolong the agony.
Fella this for me became a turning point in life, addiction lost its hold, I knew that there was another way.
Abstinence awaits you fella and yes you will only be able to take each day as it comes and from that you will find a better way to live.
Go speak to your doctor about the depression it's nothing to be ashamed of, for me the only shame comes if help is not sought.
Second innings my friend, straight bat and leave those wide balls alone, its not 20/20 more a test match.
I wish you well.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

4-4-6... to long on.

16*.

That is how 2019 has started.

16 days to the good and only 3 days given to addiction in the last 60 or so (looking at the bright side).

Back at the crease.

Straight bat.

Taking care to spot the wrong'uns.

Patient.

One 24 hour ball at a time.

Dear Mark

I feel like I’m back speaking to an old friend. Your last but one post was very poignant and I felt your battle. I was sad to hear about your past which I think you should write about (not to this forum but for your own benefit) as you clearly have a talent for it and I am sure it will crystallise some of your thoughts.

As you can see I’m back again after a pretty bad episode after a period of abstinence. I understand the relief you refer to after getting down to zero. It means recovery can start again. I also understand the difficulty you have in accepting normality. When we pay off our debts and are finally in a tolerable financial position we then are faced with the proposition of facing normalacy which some of us find difficult. I’m a lawyer (working for a charity) so I laughed out loud about updating the recovery diary. Yes that’s what I’ll say to my clients next time they are demanding updates. “Sorry I’ll get back to you when I’ve updated my recovery diary!

So day 6 for me and like you back to the cliche - one day at a time

Hi Mark

You are back on the crease taking guard, I smell a long innings with some lovely cover drives, hooks and the occasional ramp shot.

A century in the making perhaps? I think so, YES.

SHAUN