The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Markman

What a wonderful post. I am so pleased you are doing well despite trying times.

You deserve happiness and a proper gf life, to have a normal relationship with money and you are doing the things that people our age should be doing.

Unfortunately I have slipped back badly into the abyss and have caused myself a lot of financial and emotional harm. All I can do is start again, prepare myself for an extended period of paying creditors and keeping my head above water. Perhaps I will start with the health check that I’m supposed to have too.

Keep strong my friend.

Good Morning Diary,

I have just returned from a restful weekend in Bournemouth and Dorset with my family.

It was the fulfilment of my 40th birthday present from my colleagues - a two night stay with dinner and breakfast at the Norfolk Royal. A very beautiful hotel.

Sadly it was too cold to enjoy the sea and the funfair was closed. As Rosie was still recovering from her illness, we were very limited as to what we could do. We did make the drive and mile walk down the steep slopes and steps to Durdle Door; which excursion I found more painful to the legs than pleasing to the eye, but at least that is one more experience for the kids.

The highlight was definitely the heated pool in hotel. 2m deep and as hot as a hot bath. Louis and I played and relaxed for hours. We did not want to get out. And on the way home, the customary visit to the New Forest Ponies.

And all the while, no underlying financial gloom wrought by addiction. It really is a different world.

Markman

Hi Markman

Wanted to say well done on nailing the century. Keep nudging and nurdling ones and twos and you will soon see in a double hundred. Keep going ball by ball and enjoy the different world.

Well done 

Hey Markman

How are you doing? I noticed you have reset the clock. Hope you are okay. Do get support if you need it fella. You can and will go again. Take care

All the best

How you doing pal? I have absolutely no idea how to use this new forum. I had to search philanthropist just to find your thread...

To be honest I am not a huge fan of the new website, but rather than find my way around it, I took the opportunity of to take break.

Like many things, I am sure the new site will take a bit of getting used to.

I remain, steadfast, at the crease.

With the summer nigh, my spirit naturally gets improves and as for my underlying darkness... well, it seems less dark.

The desire to gamble remains within me, but with so much planned for the Summer and beyond there simply is just too much to lose.

Back to work for now (with a little bit of Cricket Work Cup in the background)!

Markman

Foolishly I turned my back on all of the wonderful support from the Forum and gambled.

As ever, I was trying to fill a hole, one of boredom and painful uncertainty.

No justification for my actions. I am an addict. When I start, I cannot stop. I feel that I have betrayed my family.

The drill is all too familiar.

Hi Markman

Well one of the good things about the new website is that I got an alert that you were back in town!

 You have had a hard few months and you still managed to abstain for a good few months. I understand the need to fill a hole, to escape, to run away from difficult situations etc. It’s just trying to remember how it causes us more misery ultimately. as of course you well know. Try to be positive, you are a good man and father with much to offer. One day at a time my friend! You have come a long way already.

I want to write about how I have hit my rock bottom. About how I personally do not care whether I live or die; about how I want to cry when I wake up in the morning and about how I am too scared to go to bed at night; about not having an interest in anything any more, especially things that matter; about not having any hope for the future.

No, I am not suicidal (but I do feel torment). No, I do not have bailiffs at the door - I wish they would have turned up 10 years ago and then I would have had to face my addiction head on.

Instead I have let it fester. Months of abstinence followed by meltdown followed by months of destructive binging. It is one nasty cycle.

A few months ago I came to the end of yet another period of abstinence. The usual melt down occurred and here I am at the end of another cycle. Miserable and debt laden.

I have been a member of this Forum for 8 years now. And the hundreds of posts expressing an intention to give up gambling were absolutely meaningless. Here I am 8 years later and I have learned nothing and my position has not changed.

The problem is that I never wanted to give up gambling. It must be the loss of money that I wanted to give up. Gambling fills a hole. That is all. It helps defeat boredom and it helps me forget when I am anxious or depressed.

But I really do want to give up gambling for good, and I really need to, because I will eventually hit real rock bottom and do even more harm to my family.

I am going to avoid anything to do with gambling for a couple of weeks. In 5 days time my family has its annual week in Cornwall. I will try and give them the great time that they deserve. Hopefully I will be able to return to the forum in a couple of weeks with an honest and more optimistic post.

Hi Markman 

Sorry ro hear you're having a bad time. As the case in past posts I can 100% relate to the frustration of not being able to break the cycle and habits of gsmbling, I do think gambling is a result of low self esteem and a form of self punishment. You deserve to be happy and content just like everyone, so enjoy your holiday look after your well being because you are worth it! ! Hope things head in the right direction, take care S 🙂 

Markman

fella I opened the diaries and saw you had posted and my heart raced, why I thought you would be writing about how the life of abstinence gifted you more time with that family of yours, that your only frustration in life was the potential loss of the first test.

alas I got another sobering read, fella I walked in those shoes for too long 

family holidays were photos of me that read a story of a fella who is somewhere but internally is somewhere else. I emphasise with what you wrote , that you don’t want to stop gambling you just want to stop losing but we both know that in reality we will never win whilst in action we may get the odd temporary loan from the bookies which we will give back ten fold 

there is a mantra 

I Cannot win because I cannot stop

in action we live by it, there’s another option but that takes wholesale change, that I understand better today doesn’t start and end with arresting that next punt, abstinence offers opportunity 

lastly you write about trying to give your loved ones a good time, my dear friend I have learnt this, give yourself a good time and others will be equally rewarded, it starts with you being kind to you.

take care of yourself 

abstain and maintain 

duncs stepping forward never back 

58

Hi Markman,

sorry to hear you have had a tough time, it never seems to get any easier does it? I still miss gambling even though I hate it. Looking forward to hearing about your holiday to Cornwall, hope the seagulls treated you well.

I have had so many relapses over the years so I am not going to preach, keep safe and strong and get your blocks  in place, your gamcare support team is always here for you.

paulds

I’m doing ok pal. Can’t work this new forum out so avoid it. Message a lad from another forum to help each other every day. I’m up to about 90 days. Was 66 on Halloween.

keep the faith