The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Day 10.

The first milestone. And payday.

The bills have been paid and the residue set aside for the month.

It will be a very busy day at work. No thoughts of gambling.

I have already negotiated one weekend. This weekend will be a little tougher as it is Superbowl - the higlight of my gambing calendar. There is the usual voice saying "go on, one bet on the Superbowl will not hurt," but there is no way I am going to give in. I do not want to spoil this run. Getting out of the habit is always toughest at the start. I am thinking rationally: a big bet is too risky. A small bet is hardly going to improve my life if it wins, but will definitely end my gamble-free run. No thank you Gamblor - not this time!

A busy day at work and then shopping with my daughter, Zoe, in London this evening for my wife's birthday. There is still a part of me that thinks something is bound to go wrong and that I am not meant to have a normal life, but little blessings like this do help me feel a little normal. I am going to make sure she has a great time. All my attention will be on her.

Stay strong.

Mark

Great going Mark on your first milestone, 10 days well done.

Enjoy your shopping trip, it sure beats a gambling trip,and soo much cheaper lol.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne - you are lovelyx

Hey Mark thanks for the post on my diary, I hope you are chilled out watching the Superbowl, Ive just opened a beer and I'm hoping for a Seahawks victory. Its so much better to watch sport without money riding on it, theres no pressure, stress, sinking feeling etc..... Nice to just enjoy some top notch sport for what it is!

I'm glad you took something out of reading my diary, your feedback really gave me a boost, so thanks mate! I will let you know what I think of the book, as the tennis is over I will have more time to get into it.

I see you are a fan of American Horror Story, I love my American shows and really enjoyed the Asylum series. Have you watched Breaking Bad yet, in my opinion its just the best show ever and I can't wait for Better Call Saul to start next week!

Hi Markman, I have just caught up on this diary after reading your last post to Bornagain (sweet). I apologise for not posting sooner, I was not sure that I could offer you anything when you 1st came back (you already had affiliations with people much wiser than I)! Today I realise you don't need advice, so not only can I offer support but I can also congratulate you on a massive 2 weeks of winning...Nice one 🙂

I relate to so much of what you are saying esp in regards to not wanting to give up because I definitely didn't & personally feel that all we ever really want as CG's is to give up losing! The rest has only come later as the realisation that the only way to give up losing is to stop hit home! I also get why self excluding is a fairly futile exercise, I tried it on its own & failed fairly spectacularly having to waste more & more of my hard earned gambling money on petrol! It did provide a useful safety net in the early stages of my recovery but now I can't even remember which particular ones I am barred from in any given location!

I was going to ask Dr Google about the last 'conundrum' but I'm confident you would have found me out 😉

Hope the wife had a lovely birthday & you are keeping strong - ODAAT

Many thanks again for your post ODAAT!

Incredulous. That is the only way to describe how I feel today. I feel as though I have fallen asleep at King's Cross and woken up at Cockfosters. How on earth did I get here? Where have these past 10 years gone? What crazy state of mind induced me to make such irrational and evils decisions? I am not looking backwards anymore. I look forward, a little, wearily, but need to first to acclimatise myself to where I am now.

Here I am at my desk. The office closed for anyhour. I can put my feet up, that is, if I can afford not to put the time to good use which at work is rare. I eat a hearty meal: masala, rice, spicy potaties, samosas, bhajis, paneer topped off with a Naan Bread - leftovers from Rosie's birthday dinner purchased through abstinence. I am about to enjoy a cup of tea and read chapter one of Mr Tressell magnum opus - the first book I have purchased and proceeded to read twice. I realise that I am, comparatively speaking, in a very lucky place. I have always had this and many other blessings besides and yet this evil has nigh on destroyed me. Incredulous.

Hi Markman thank-you back for your lovely post 🙂

Good job you weren't on the Northern line 😉

All the advice in the world can't help until we find a way to figure out which advice is best for us & how to make ourselves use it! I know I'm supposed to eat healthily & take 30 minutes exercise a day but why aren't chips veg & the telly's so much more interesting?!

I am still very much ashamed of my past & how I allowed myself to self destruct the way I did! But I can't change it & neither can I win back the money I lost so now I concentrate on my future! I'm not sure when it happened (& it is very obvious that I have had a much easier journey than many others on here, especially @ the moment with my rage) but @ some point, if you stick with it, staying in recovery will become more important than gambling! I didn't know how to be a grown up without gambling but I am figuring it out...You will acclimatise soon!

Look after you, have fun with your family & come join me proving that when the stake is life, willpower is enough - ODAAT

Hi Markman

i am sure it has been mentioned before (I am a newbie) but I can't help thinking how appropriate the title of Tressells book is for us gamblers. We give all we can to the gaming conglomerates and don't bother with our selves. I for one have gambled to go without on so many occasions, usually taking my family with me. I read the RTP when I was young and wanted to change the world. Now I'm not looking for New England just looking to pay the bills...Incidentally an ex-girlfriend threw away my copy together with a signed copy of the first edition of trainspotting! All the best Rob. Still very much down and out but working, like you, wearily , at it.

Hi Mark,

Lovely positive post, well done keep strong and keep going to a happier, healthier and saner life, which we can only find in recovery.

Suzanne xx

ODAAT, Down and Out and Suzanne - thank you for your lovely posts. Just the lift I need this morning. Will check in with you over the weekend - lots of work to get through today and lives to make better (which is nice) at a price (which is not).

17 days now since I resolved to expel this demonic spirit from my soul!

Looking forward to another day sans gambling.

I am behind each and everyone one of you.

Mark

Hey Mark, finally I get the chance to leave a post on your diary, its been such a busy week! I am enjoying the book, hope to really get into it this week. At times I feel like Owen in my workplace, too many colleagues just want to sit back and accept the way we are treated. I try to be more vocal, but often feel its like banging my head against a brick wall.

I'm starting to get excited for tomorrow morning and the return of Better Call Saul, its got a lot to live up to compared to Breaking Bad, but I'm hopeful its going to be good. I've just downloaded season one of 'The Americans' its got good reviews and I fancy giving it a try. A less heard of show that is quite slow paced but I really enjoyed was 'Rectify' look it up you may enjoy it, there have been to seasons so far and season three should be out soon.

I will let you know what I think of the book when I've finished it and also by then there will be two episodes of Better Call Saul to talk about.

Stay strong and keep up the good work!

Phil

markman

fella glad to read your self gifted abstinence continues to open your eyes to the gifts of recovery,those gifts are relentless in there ever giving and in return recovery asks for nothing,not a single penny of your hard earned,it wont judge your past torment you for the loss,it won't steal your self esteem nor fill you with false hope.

i believe we the 'compulsive' gambler all wear the same gambling goggles whilst in action, they distort the truth,they give nothing but false hope and our life focus becomes more detacthed with each punt layed.

it for me is never truer that to repeat the same thing over and over and expect the outcome to change really is a true form of utter madness.

those goggles you took off,today it's back to basic's a black and white view,through it you can live a life of your makings not addictions.

keep making that choice

abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Just popping by to say Hi & a big fat congratulations on Day 20 🙂

I don't feel you behind me, I walk alongside you on this journey to life - ODAAT

Thanks Phil, Duncan and ODAAT for your posts - great to hear from you.

It has been a very busy week both at work and at home so not as much time to devote to the Forum as I would like.

I am feeling quite down at the moment. In the cold light of day the aftermath of the damage I have done is quite agonising.

I know that if I gamble I will only make things worse. Need to stay strong and avoid that horrible voice telling me that one bet will not hurt.

First GA meeting tomorrow. I have a problem. I have admitted I have a problem. I want to resolve my problem. Logical step methinks. If my boss who goes to AA meetings in correct I will get a lot of benefit. Here's hoping - time will tell.

Best,

Mark