Well, third time lucky starting a recovery diary, about the thousandth time trying to beat gambling.
I have been paid today and am determined to finally beat this horrible addiction.
First and foremost, I DO have some money saved up, but very little for someone who is 28 years of age. I still live at home with my parents, who are well aware of my addiction although they have not brought up the subject in 2/3 years. I don't know if this is because they are fearful of what I'll tell them, or whether they are simply indifferent.
A typical month in my life goes like this; get paid, pay rent/housekeeping to parents, have a few gamble free-days, generally feel good about self, treat myself to things, then have a mad splurge on gambling, often £500-£600 at a time, delve into savings to get through the month, often end up gambling that away too, squeak through to the end of the month, get paid, rinse and repeat.
This has gone on for the best part of a decade now, and simply has to stop. I have ruined my life, losing friends, the trust of family members and my own confidence over the years. Although I have made improvements in some of those areas recently, the gambling addiction still remains to drag me down.
The last few months have been pretty traumatic for my family; my granddad recently passed away, and we have the funeral coming up. I just know that any mention of my addiction would devastate my mum, so this is why I have to put things right as quickly as possible.
I have a fairly well paid job, so there is really no excuse as to why I shouldn't deposit a large chunk into my savings. I have already done so for this month, and will continue to do so for the future. It won't be easy, but this is exactly what the diary is for.
I am not always able to reach a computer so this diary will not be updated daily, but I will add entries as and when I can.
Day 1 starts now.
Well, the working day is almost over. Now the real challenge begins.
Previously, evenings just after payday would comprise of a heavy gambling session, usually into the small hours of the morning. This would leave me both physically and emotionally drained the following day, and more often than not I would be working that day.
In the following days I would be in an almost fugue-like state. I’m amazed nobody has picked up on this (like I said before, they might have, but do not want to dredge up the past).
Anyway, that was then, and I do not want to dredge up the past either. My fresh start began today, and it’s just as well; I need to MOT my car this week, and there are a few minor problems that could potentially lead to failure.
I also have a holiday coming up near the end of next month, but I am not paying for this (my parents are paying on behalf of my granddad, who left a generous amount when he passed away). However I do need to buy some clothes and take some spending money with me!
In addition to that, I pre-ordered a Playstation 4 a few months back, which is due to release on the 23rd June. I know I can always postpone this, but it is a limited edition model which I REALLY REALLY want. I have set myself an ultimatum; if I gamble even the slightest amount, even just a penny, I will cancel the order.
This won’t leave me with much for the remainder of the month, but I only have myself to blame for this. I do need to remember that I am not in debt to anyone (and never have been) so that is a small crumb of comfort. This does not mean I am out of the woods yet though, and the next few weeks are going to be make-or-break.
If I can make it to next payday gamble-free (which I haven’t managed to do for over 5 years) I will count this as a massive step forward. Only 32 days to go!
Day 1
Have managed not to gamble so far, and it's just as well; I've found some problems with my car which could very well lead to MOT failure. The MOT is booked for tomorrow, and there are problems with my screen washer, horn and driver seat.
Having said all that, my knowledge of cars is pretty minimal, and I could be worrying over nothing (but this gambling addiction has put me on edge and I DO worry). This might be a blessing in disguise though, as I could be spending money I'd ordinarily gamble away on my car instead.
Will report back tomorrow with how I get on, and how much my car is going to cost me... I'm pretty nervous at the moment as I still want to set some spending money aside for my upcoming holiday, and also have money to get me through the rest of the month.
Wish me luck!
Hi elproducto
Glad you read my post as i see similarities in your story.
I too have never got myself into any "real" financial trouble however i also have never had any money as i spend every "spare" penny on gambling and i try not to buy anything because the money could have been used for gambling!
Sometimes if i needed something say it cost £20 i would try and win the money which inevitably would cost me 2-300 quid...how savvy is that !!!!
Anyway i have tried in excess of 100 times to stop gambling so take heart that it can be done.
Continue with your diary almost addictively....read other stories and feel the pain...friends and family make sure you pop in their as you need to know how it affects the people around us.
It can be done...its not easy but the rewards are incredible.
Good luck
Stay strong
Day 2
I have postponed my MOT, partly because I'm scared it's going to cost me hundreds, partly because I have other things to worry about first. I need to buy a suit for a funeral next week, and am also trying to put money into my savings (and NOT withdraw it again).
I have also cancelled my PS4 order, which was heartbreaking but necessary. If it weren't for my addiction I could've had a PS4 months ago, but only have myself to blame for getting into this position. I suppose I can count myself lucky that my position is far better than other people's, in that I'm in no debt to anyone, but I was really looking forward to treating myself and certain circumstances now mean that I can't even do that. I guess I'll have to wait until my birthday at the end of July.
However I do have a holiday coming up in 2 week's time that I am really looking forward to, as it gives me time to unwind, relax and assess the (hopefully gamble-free) months ahead.
I plan to enjoy life, but at the moment I'm a nervous wreck. Still, I haven't gambled any of my pay away so I suppose it's a start.
Onwards and upwards!
Day 3
Not too much to report, have had a fairly quiet day so far. The real challenge lies in wait (ie. the weekend) as they used to be my heaviest gambling days (see how I used the past tense there?)
Gambling has not really been weighing on my mind too much, mainly due to so many other things going on at the moment. I go on holiday in 2 weeks' time and am really looking forward to it. If I can get to June 13th without gambling a penny I will count it as a pretty significant victory.
Have a good weekend all!
Hi elproducto, well done on 3 days 🙂
Don't put that MOT off for too long & don't be tempted to drive without one! I've just had a near-miss (personally I think they should be call near-hits because if I nearly miss something means I must have hit it right, but I digress) in a National with what appears to the the exhaust system of a car about the same age as mine...Very scary! Appreciate that the savings may be for your holiday but having access to money can cause temptation as you are fully aware! Can you give it to someone who is going with you to look after until you go away? Then you need to figure out how to lock them away properly so your brain can't co concern you to take a punt!
Sorry to hear about your Grandad 🙁
You will get through the weekend if you make plans for when the urges hit & can definitely get to June 13th (& beyond) - ODAAT
Day 4
Hi ODAAT, thank you for taking the time to check in on my progress.
I'll be honest, the urges have been pretty minimal so far, mainly because I've been keeping myself so busy. I'm a keen moviegoer, so met up with my brother today and did a double-bill, then watched the FA Cup Final (and the Spanish cup final is on as I type this) so even if I wanted to gamble I simply wouldn't have time!
The MOT has been re-booked for next Friday, and I'm feeling a bit more confident towards it. My dad knows a fair bit about motoring, having worked with Suzuki for over 20 years, so he gave me some advice on what to do.
Once that's out of the way, I'm thinking of nothing but my holiday. No doubt the urges will return but I've fought them pretty well so far, I just need to believe in myself.
Got a bit of a quieter day in store tomorrow, weather's supposed to be bad so might catch up on some TV.
Day 5
Pretty quiet as expected, read a bit, watched a bit of TV, played a couple of video games. Passed the time very well, and thoughts of gambling were pushed to the back of my mind.
I had a business trip to Iceland last month and should have a couple hundred pounds of expenses going back into my account, which I shall promptly move into my savings.
Hopefully a busy week of work ahead. MOT is booked for Friday, until then I'll be a bit of a nervous wreck. Once that's out of the way, I can look forward to my holiday without any obstacles.
Day 6
Another gamble-free day, once again with minimal urges.
Today is my grandad's funeral, so on the one hand it will be nice to see family I haven't seen in ages, but a funeral isn't the most ideal place to catch up. I'm expecting a very difficult day ahead, but at least the gambling urges will be put firmly to the back of my mind (at least I hope so).
Day 7
Well, a full week has gone by gamble free. Very pleased with that, here's to the next week. And the week after that. For the rest of my life!
Day 8
Another day gone, the urges were pretty strong last night but I fought through it.
Bought some clothes for my upcoming holiday, a luxury I wouldn't have normally been able to afford.
Onwards and upwards!
Day 9
MOT day today, anxiously awaiting that phonecall to tell me how much it'll cost.
Had I not gambled thousands of pounds away over the years, I wouldn't be in this position.
Hopefully my days of feeling like this will be over soon, once I get a few gamble-free months under my belt I'll be laughing!
Day 10
Double figures reached!
As suspected, my car did fail it's MOT, and the overall cost for repairs came to £197. Not a complete disaster, and it hasn't eaten into my holiday fund.
Now that little episode is behind me I can look forward to today. Have been invited to a Champions League final BBQ.
This time next week I will be flying out to Spain. Happy days! 🙂
Well done on double figures! Your trip to Spain will give you something to look forward to and the days will go easily when you are there.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
