Time to start my diary ...

Slightly mixed feelings today about how I went about things yesterday.

Now there's the busload of regret that I had to lose all my money before thinking I'd be able to subscribe to SENSE.

But that's the thing about gambling - I felt stuck in the casino yesterday, unable to leave. I was up, but felt I wasn't up enough for the 4 hours I'd spent in there. Then I starting planning (and half dreading) my next visit (which would have been in 3 weeks) - and that's when the money didn't seem important any more. I just wanted out of the whole thing. Making the decision to join SENSE seemed like the only good option and I imagined that the money I'd lose (I just kept doubling all the money on single bets until I inevitably lost) would somehow equate to a payment to join the SENSE club - which in the long run would save me so much more money and stop the constant to-ing an fro-ing of having the option of gambling in my life.

Now that I've done it, I wonder why I didn't do it earlier. The answer to that is that I hoped to have all the excitement of gambling and winning without suffering any real loses.

It's a slightly odd and surreal feeling knowing I can no longer gamble. It's like I've stepped out of a world, or woken up from a world, which no longer exists but I've lived in for the last year and half. At the click of the fingers, it really has seemed to disappear.

I'm sure it's not going to be as simple as I imagine, but it's amazing to think that I can no longer gamble. I might have yearnings but so what.

In a very diluted way, this feels like making the choice to enter rehab.

It's nice to be posting back in my diary.

The secure feeling I get from joing SENSE is just wonderful. I admit that I'll miss certain aspects of going to a casino, lots in fact - but now it's like some thunderous doom cloud has disappeared from over my head. It's not quite sunk in that there's no more losses to be made by my secret visits to the casino. Seems too good to be true.

I knew it was getting bad when I started to take a 9am train to London to start gambling by 10. I pretended I'd end up doing something work related but this rarely happened. I made this sort of trip maybe four or five times over the past few months. I did control the loss of money but, sure as eggs are eggs, disaster was looming.

It was Lethe that asked me earlier in my diary if I'd joined SENSE and I dodged the question a bit. And those straight talking words really did stick with me and I owe a bundle of gratitude for that.

There's still an addiction at work in me and I need to still tackle that - but it's a dry season now as far my gambling opportunites are concerned.

Always a bit of a worrier ... that little voice is saying 'but what about the bookies?' I think that's just knee-j**k panic, thinking the worst. Hand on my heart, I find no excitment in Fobt reels spinning around, so I think it's an empty worry.

Hi Equinox

Belated Happy New Year.

Good to hear you have signed up to SENSE, a big potential outlet for gambling blocked, and that you are sounding positive.

Take care of yourself

Muststop123

Thanks Muststop123 - it really does feel like this will be a much happier year for me now that my gambling urges can't be satisfied. Happy to let them die of starvation.

Since enrolling to SENSE, I'm in an odd but happy place - I long for a spin of roulette at a casino but I'm equally glad I can't do this anymore. It's a 50/50 split and I'm happy with it.

I did think earlier ...mmm ... I wonder if I can put on a quick facial disguise and enter a casino and make sure I just leave with less than £1500 profit. I could also pretend to be American and buy a bourbon.

I didn't take the thought too seriously and I did find the idea quite funny when I visualised it.

I still feel like joining SENSE is the best thing I could have done. The secure feeling I have knowing that I can't gamble at a casino is a comfort for me. I do have a few urges, mostly just dumb thoughts, but so what? - they can go nowhere and the urges aren't that bad knowing my gambling opportunities will be met with a dead end.

I listened to a programme today on BBC 5 Live Radio about Gambling blocks, particualry Gamstop, which was pretty interesting.

I do feel like my urges for online gambling are dormant at the moment.

It's early days but I'm feeling very positive about dealing with my addiction.

Not really sure how relevant this is to my diary, but I watched the first episode of the ITV drama Cleaning Up today which has the main character addicted to online gambling. I knew this was part of the story before watching it and part of me was reluctant to watch it in case it brought back lots of unnecessary longings to gamble. But, surprisingly, it didn't.

I still think gambling online, for the right person, could be fun and quite exciting if it was controlled - but it's the lack of control that isn't fun. That horrible feeling of being trapped in a cycle of gamble gamble gamble, where a win really isn't a win, it's just a temporary ticket for more extended play.

I'm still feeling like I'm in an unusual position since joining SENSE - I feel that gambling is out of my life but only because I have no opportunity to gamble. I've not really tackled the psychology behind my addiction. But, I suppose, this is as good as it gets. Me feeling like I want to gamble is irrelevant - so what if I feel a pang every now an then. It's the damage gambling can do to relationships and finances and self esteem is what matters, so maybe sorting out the psychology of it doesn't really matter too much.

I've kept myself very busy working away, although my last 30 days income has totalled a worrying £0 - which reminds me why I wanted to gamble in the first place: to boost my cash reserves. Being self employed in the art world means I really don't have the comfort of a guaranteed monthly salary so having a way to double and double my money again was such an exciting temptation.

If anyone reads this and plays at land casinos - believe me, joining SENSE is a no brainer if you want to quit. I ignored this advice for a while, but that's mabye because I didn't really want to quit.

Hi Equinox

My wife mentioned that television series and I kind of ignored the suggestion and hoped it would go away. Not because I thought it would encourage me to gamble again but more out of potential embarrassment, especially if the character with the on-line gambling addiction was portrayed as some sad pathetic case who had no self-control. Not sure how sympathetic the portrayal of a gambling addict would be on a prime-time television show.

Glad to hear the SENSE exclusion is still providing security against the land based casinos. I think I am in a similar place overall in that I still have thoughts that gambling could provide excitement but dealing with the fact that I cannot partake anymore. Guess we need to come to terms with this and accept any thoughts about gambling are just that – thoughts, which without any means to act on are not exactly healthy but at least under control.

Hope the work side picks up from an income perspective. At least you are not donating chunks of money to casinos alongside the income draught. It is a shame we all hide behind the anonymity of this forum – when someone says they work in something like the art work, it sounds interesting I immediately want to know more but this is not the place.

Muststop123

Hi Muststop123

I'd give the series a go - like many ITV dramas, it feels a bit overly scripted. Although it really does make online gambling seem mindless and selfish. The roulette wheel seen on her mobile device has this really simple graphic that looks like its been coded by an A level student their summer project. Maybe some do look like that. What's interesting is my reaction when she gambles. I find myself groaning 'oh, come on, stop wasting your time and money on that dull thing'. I only wish I had adopted a bit more of that attitude for my own gambling.

Thanks for the interest in my career. It probably sounds much better than it actually is. Although there are many days when it feels good to know that I'm solely responsible the job I do and my income, rather than working for someone else's business. There's a real feeling of satisfaction in that. As far as money goes, I expect some months to be very quiet where I generate hardly any income. I made a happy trade off between earning a good salary to having the freedom to my own thing. I spend a lot less on useless stuff compared to the days when I was employed and on a salary.

My son goes back to University today after having been back for nearly a month. It's always a bitter sweet moment when he leaves. I'm happy he's doing his thing, but a big part of me really misses having him around. This morning, we had a lovely lazy breakfast (I popped out to treat ourselves to a deliciously unhealthy egg, bacon and sausage baguette and big latte from the local cafe) while we watched an episode of a TV series we've watched together for years. I'm genuinely grateful for magic moments like this. It feels like the total opposite of the lonely, secretive world of gambling. Probably because it is.

I listened to a podcast today called the After Gambling Podcast (I remember reading about it on this forum, but unfortunately can't remember who recommended it because I'd like to thank them). This episode was about Self Exclusion - and, from what I can gather, America doesn't have federal equivalents of schemes like SENSE or Gamstop that work across all sites and land casinos. I'd hate that. Thank goodness I live on this little island.

I also think you're right about thoughts just being thoughts now that we can't act on them. Suddenly they have lost all their threat and power.

Still gamble free, no thanks to me but all thanks to all the blocks.

I know I still have a problem with gambling but not sure how to sort it out. I'm hoping in time it'll just recede into the background of my life if I keep all blocks active.

This is a bit of a side note, but when I went to the nurse the other day for a cholesterol test, I also asked for a blood pressure check. My blood pressure was up in the dodgy red zone. Not good. And a bit of surprise - because I do plenty of exercise and my weight is good, my food habits are okay-ish and my drinking is sort of okay-ish-ish at about 20 units a week . My first thought after getting the reading was 'you idiot, stop thinking about gambling and get this problem sorted'. Even though it's early days, I'm not keen to go on medication.

So I've spent this last 11 days being the embodiment of health and good living. I'm finding it 50% dull as dishwater and 50% a happy challenge. I'm hoping lack of sleep is playing a big part in creating the high blood pressure and a bit too much alcohol over the Christmas period, so earlier nights and no night-time tipple might do the trick. I've radically changed my diet to low salt and loads of vegatables.

Surprisingly, it's given me something concrete to focus on, which has helped shift the focus from gambling thoughts.

I get it checked again in 3 weeks, so that gives me at least another 3 weeks of good healthy distraction from the zombie gambling urges.

Hi Equinox

Sorry to hear about the worry about the blood pressure. Good to hear that you are taking it seriously and making some adjustments. Probably a good thing to find out something like this at a routine check when you can make some relatively minor changes to your lifestyle/diet etc.

Look after yourself.

Muststop123

Thanks Muststop123.

I delayed my doc appt by an additonal week to give me a little more time to get my blood pressure down. Hopefully the low salt diet will do the trick. I'm beginning to enjoy this new sparse diet although I'm not sure how long it will last. It's mainly soups, dry bread, fruit and vegatables. I imagine I'm in some old, but quite healthy, victorian prison system when I'm eating it. It makes it a little more appealing.

I was in London a few days ago for the first time since going the SENSE route. Clear as day, I still have urges but there's nothing I can do about them, so I'm okay with that for the moment. I did actually think of a 'what if' ... what if I tried to walk into a casino I've never been before, pretended I had no id, etc - but that just seemed such a cheap and low down dirty trick on myself I know I'd be left with no self-esteem and a mountain of contempt for myself if I'd have done it. In all honesty, I don't think it was a serious option for me but it hammers home the fact that gambling has a very strong hold.

One thing I can see for sure is that the niggling frustrations of not being able to gamble are a billion zillion times less painful that the shame and regret of a post-gamble hangover. It feels good not having to hide a secret gambling life too.

It's been a good few days since my last gamble, and I felt some kind of eureka moment last night about my gambling.

But it's a bit like trying to tell someone about a dream and I don't think I can explain it clearly. It'll be clumsy, obvious and a bit naff.

I woke up last night and realised that I wasn't gambling for the money, just the thrill of the win. The money gains when they temporarily arrived were a pleasant bonus, but it was the whole rigmarole of rouletting at a casino that satisfied my thirst - the sneaking off to be naughty, the clocking up some major 'me' time where all anxieties can take a hike, the hoping I can head home with a sealed plastic bag of casino signed crisp fifties totalling a thousand.

I don't know where that leaves me. There are plenty of days when I really want to gamble and I think of all manner of harebrained tactics to make that happen. But it's a dead end, it can't happen because, thank god, I'm banished from all land casinos and online sites.

Last week I unexpectedly finally earnt my first few pounds in two months. I managed to make enough to pay my bills for over a month. But I know if I had the option, I'd have gambled a big chunk of this, just to satisfy my gamble need. I'd have planned the sneaky 10am train to London for a 11am gamble sesh. Back by four or five, either swearing I'd never do it again or telling myself thank goodness I did because it's easy money to be made.

I know I have an addiction to something that ticks all the boxes of exciting for me, but I don't know where to turn with it. Since last night's eureka, I know I don't do it for money. Obvious to all except me.

But because I can't gamble anymore, does it mean it's problem solved for me? With all blocks in place, I'm safe from gambling - no matter how hard the pull. All I'm left with is a niggling incy wincy spider bit of frustration tickling me - which is worth a 'so what, move on' get on with your life.

I read a lot of posts from people struggling with gambling. I get the addiction. But if blocks are in place, that draws a line under the subject. All the will in the world won't let you gamble again.

I don't know. I suppose I wish I wasn't hooked to the thrill of it. Gambling or fighting gambling has become an unexpected part of my life. But a big part of me thinks, shut up 'equinox', it's over now - no thanks to you, but all thanks to the good systems in place that stop people like me doing what I want to do and then complaining about it.

Yo, can totally relate to your post . I know I gambled to escape, escape what not totally clear . The overthinking maybe , the total shut down of thinking about anything other than screen or wheel or hand in front of me . Trouble is when the dust settles and the acceptance that gambling has been banished how does one escape ? Some take up excerise never my thing , some find other things or so they say , but I could never do that . In the back of my mind there is still this need to shut off my thoughts , gambling did that never found replacement so I live with it . Having said all that, the pain and damage I caused by gambling I would never want back and have gone over 3 years this time without having a bet , I can so relate to what you wrote , some may advise you to find your own replacement, me I can’t so why would I suggest that , think as hard as it maybe it’s just a question of learning to live without it . Take care , stay strong ........Shiny:-)

Thanks Dustfairy25.

I was in London yesterday and did feel such an urge to gamble but it's just brilliant not being able to. The urge is just an urge and it seems easy to move on from because I've got no option but to. That voice that tells me how good it was to gamble also irritates me no end, gassing on and on with the same old lie.

By the end of the day, I was so glad I was untouched by gambling. The gains are in what I don't feel. Not feeling regret or shame is such a tonic . But I do feel a bit like a dumb dog, wasting time and energy mindlessly scratching for a bone that isn't there. Hopefully over time I'll learn.

I also looked at a spreadsheet I used to keep when I gambled. On it is this big list of all the online casinos I'd excluded myself from - all for five years. This helped to remind me that my gambling losses stung so much that was more than happy to put a lid on it for the maximum time.

I've never gambled at a bookies, but I really want the reduction of stake to £2 to come into play. That'll really end the threat of me ever gambling as long as I've got my blocks in place.