The Bourne Identity (2002) Starring Matt Damon

This is my 50th Daily topic and the one I've been dreading. I don't know whether I saved it simply for the 50th post or whether I was delaying writing it. I didn't realise it would come up as part of the 12 steps as well. I've always held a false impression of myself in addiction but didn't discover that until I started my recovery. Recovery has been about finding the real person that I am and working on myself to improve where I can. That's the work I know I need to do each day, check each day and learn how to progress, not towards perfection but to be the best I can. So I feel I want to publicly go through this and know where I am now. Further down the road it will be a good check point to see where I am in months to come. Sorry but it's a long post but it really helps me to look at these 

So here we go

Honesty

Some how in addiction my brain told me I was just borrowing the money. They were only white lies and I was as honest as the next person. Ridiculous. My honesty levels were closed to a 0 out of ten, maybe a 1 at best. In recovery I feel that honesty is one of the main strengths of character and held up by other characteristics. It's not just telling the truth, it's showing vulnerability to tell the whole truth and not hold back. I would like to think now that my mark would be a 9. I know now that there is one truth or a thousand different lies and I don't need to lie. My dustbin is cleared out and everyone knows.

Selfishness

This one is horrible territory. In action I was completely selfish. I was the conductor of the orchestra and centre of the universe. I called all the shots and did everything I wanted. Again I'm coming up with a score at zero. Anything I did for other people had a motive behind it to benefit myself. In recovery, recovery isn't being selfish as it not only benefits myself but rain drops fall on others around me in a good way. My life now is a good balance between recovery, giving service to my family and to the community. The community takes shape in recovery, friends and my local community. I believe I'm currently running at an 8 and I'm happy with that 

Empathy Vs Sympathy

To me these are direct opposites. Some might disagree but in action I only had sympathy for people. I couldn't put my self in their shoes and thought too much of myself to do so. Empathy in recovery is a beautiful feeling for both parties. To be able to feel someone's pain, to understand and empathise is a gift from above and makes me human. I'm so glad to have this character back

Tolerance

Absolutely no tolerance in action something which is shameful. Without laying blame to circumstance but having two disabled children, a stressful job, being the only driver in the family and other life events tolerance was non existent and led to angry uncalled for outbursts. In recovery tolerance has returned. Not perfect but something I work on so I've got from a 1 to maybe a 6. More work needed especially to accept the things I cannot change and that means other people's thoughts and actions which are not mine to control

Dignity

When this came up in the 12 steps I thought I'm a 10, then and now. I've always dressed well but dignity is more than that. How did I carry myself in self respect and manners. I had no self respect in action. No one would have realised this other than myself. Another form of isolation and dishonesty. The great SB dressed well and looked like he had everything in place. What a great actor ! Mark in action revised to a 3. In recovery im trying to work on self belief, self respect, purpose in the world and this new life. Maybe for now I'm a 4 but it's early days

Humility

I've never held any prejudice to someone's ethnicity, beliefs, job, age, gender, identity or anything. The question is does that make me humble. No. This is another characteristic I had a false impression of myself. The original mark of 10 is more like a 4 in action and an 8 in recovery. I think humility is an incredible characteristic to hold.

Work ethic

I've always worked hard and still do. When I got to this section in the steps I was so pleased to have a break from beating myself up. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself as I'm only picking up the tools day by day but I was a relief all the same. 10 then and 10 now

Optimism

Pretty good on this and maybe even better in recovery. My glass was always half full of even nearly full. In recovery it's not half full, it's not half empty, I'm just glad to have a glass. Writing a gratitude list daily gives me optimism and allows me to understand that the simple things in life are the most precious. 

Forgiveness

In action absolutely zero. If someone did me wrong I would never forget it and want to get even. This is not great in recovery and one of my worst defects. It's where acceptance comes in for me again along with understanding. A lot of work needed 

Responsibility

Does addiction allow me any responsibility ? I couldn't even hold responsibility to myself so that's a big fat no. Absolute zero. No responsibility unless forced on me. In recovery I have responsibilities and take ownership of myself and my actions. It's tough to learn this over all those years of thinking one way only but the traffic now is going in the right direction. Maybe I'm up to a 7 from 0

Consideration

Has to be a very low score in addiction as there was no room for others only myself. In recovery maybe I do this too much, I don't know. I don't know if that's right or wrong. At this stage I've not learned where I should be on this so can't give a mark

Friendliness

This is another tough one to talk about. In action it was all about what I could get out rather than put in. I was an ok ish friend with some. Now it's about what I can put in and the take out is a byproduct. 3 to a 9. I know now what true friendship is.

Communication

Haha. In action, amazing communicator at work and then zero once work finishes. Couldn't talk about struggles, feelings or any vulnerability as it would open the door to how I struggled with gambling. Absolute zero mark. In recovery im an open book. I will talk to anyone and am completely open about my feelings and thoughts. I have no reason to hold back. I have to give myself a 10 but know I need to keep doing this as my addiction hates it.

Charity

Did I do anything for anyone other than myself in action ? Would I put charity before myself now, yes. No need for a mark here as it's ongoing 

Bravery and courage

In action I was brave enough to do anything to get a bet on. I can't say that's bravery or courage as I didn't have those strengths to carry through with the hundreds of times I went to bed saying never again only to bet the moment I woke up. I feel brave that I stopped, I feel brave to face my demons and my past. I'm not truly brave now so maybe I've crawled up to a 5.

Arrogance

I didn't realise this was false pride. Don't laugh but I used to think arrogance was a character strength especially growing up. The shame of my arrogance  and ego in action cuts deep into my heart. I am scared each day that any action I make is from that point so I try and check what my motives are each time. I'm not sure that's ever going to change. Zero to a six but I'm still not sure. Can't talk about this one much more as it really hurts me. It's where a lot of the harm I've caused stems from

Fake or genuine

Polar opposites, fake in action, completely fake but now totally genuine. Zero to a ten and I'm proud of that. What you saw in action wasn't what you got. In recovery you get me, the real me.

People pleasing

I always thought I was a people pleaser. That's a poor characteristic and I've realised in recovery that I'm not a people pleaser. Addiction confused this. I want to help people. That's all. Not do what I think I should do to get accolade but just to help people when they ask for it l, not when I think they need it. There is a big difference to me. 

Procrastination

Well this one is interesting. I would delay doing anything unless it was gambling, golf or work. What's weird to me is that when I finally did do something I would put everything I had into it. 100 miles per hour. Not to get it down quickly but to get it done to the absolute best of my ability. The question is, am I doing the same in recovery. Obviously 44 years of procrastination to start my recovery. I do feel they the work i put in is needed. I'm not addicted to recovery and keep a balance. Just need to watch it going either way. 

Laziness

I'm not a lazy person and never have been so nothing has changed from action to recovery. I've never really done the minimum. 

Judgement

Yep, very judgemental in action tied in with tolerance. In recovery im not perfect but again another work in progress. Maybe a 1 to a 6 and needs to be higher. It shows writing this out that recovery has so many benefits

Impatience

Lol. In action I wanted everything there and then so looked for shortcuts. In life there are no shortcuts. Why on earth did I not realise that sooner ? In recovery I'm not rushing to my own funeral and instead enjoying the journey. 2 to an 8

Love, kindness, hope, clarity, purpose

I had none of these in action and I'm so pleased in recovery that these feelings have returned. Its not vulnerable to have these feelings and they grow each day. They make me proud.

Sorry for posting all this and well done if you got this far reading it. I would urge anyone to go through their own strengths and defects