Time to create a life I'm proud of

Hi Fyodor

Wow. Do you know my story as it's so similar. I'm so pleased you got to this decision 16 years before me.

It must feel good to get all of that out. 

I just wanted to say that you don't have to do this on your own. There is so much help.

First thing to get in place is a solid foundation to your recovery mate 

Dear Fyodor,

Welcome to the Forum and starting your online diary.

Thank you for your honest reflection. Looking over your patterns and cycles with a wider perspective you can now have insight into your thoughts and what may have been driving your gambling. It sounds like filling your time with sports and finding somewhere to channel your intellectual skills would be helpful in your recovery journey.

Hopefully you will receive some kind peer comments soon.

Best Wishes,

Louise

Forum Admin

Hi Stuart thanks for your words. I like the saying about the best time to have started is yesterday but the second best time is today! Just got to be happy you've made the decision at all, some people may go their entire life never escaping grips of addiction which is really sad and terrifying to me. You can't get back the time from the past but you can ensure you spend the time you have now better.

Hi Louise, yes you are right finding somewhere to direct my skills, an outlet if you will is certainly a priority. Honestly I'm one of these people who needs to have something churning over in my brain to keep myself sane. 

Just a quick update, Day 2 I'm feeling a little bit euphoric. I feel like what I imagine a person who's just released from prison after many years locked up may feel. Should you count the days that's another one I need to think about. Will it help or hinder? This should be about a new life completely free of gambling and as such, there's no end point, no target to reach. But I suppose it helps in some small degree to help you celebrate hitting certain milestones. One thing I hope to be free of is the shame and guilt that comes with leading this almost double life that nobody knows anything about. I am already pretty clear on the fact that life may initially suck for a while, removing something you've made habitual is always going to feel strange. Still as it stands I'm feeling pretty optimistic about things.

Just think a day without gambling is a win. Win in monetary, win lifeback, win family and win friends. To begin it will feel strange as you are starting a new life again.

think how you mare the money to gable, this time make the money again to enjoy, go out and start some business for yourself.

find someone sime friend, business partner business minded person and that is very anti gambling, it will help.

people started life on different timings of their life and you can start it now, regardless how long we will be living, lets put this past and try make the money again  but this time socialising, enjoying talking to others spending time with other people.

Thanks for your words Eniss, certainly finding something constructive to do with your time is important. Whether it be starting a new business or starting some new creative pursuit.

Day 3, still feeling good right now. I think meditation and mindfulness is really important and it's something that can make you aware of your thought patterns and help your recovery. To change something you first need to become conscious of it. I know this may sound a bit spiritual leaning but truly we are not our thoughts and emotions. These are just something that happens to us, meditation or mindfulness can help create this necessary distance between our thoughts and our actions.

The philosopher Blaise Pascal once wrote "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone". This to me is a very profound quote and can perfectly explain gambling addiction for most people I think. It is the inability to sit with boredom or other emotions that might stir within you and instead seek an outlet and a distraction from this internal discomfort in the external world through things such as gambling. So yeah I would highly recommend meditating to everyone, become aware of your own thought patterns and recognise you don't need to act on them you can let them fly gently away.

Hi Fyodor

You only have to get recovery right once and that's the last time. I'm 196 days in and just keep improving myself each day. 

Hi Stuart, that's a great way of looking of viewing it! and good going being that long gamble free.

Day 4, yesterday did have me feeling in a bit of an irritated and angry mood, probably just a withdrawal symptom. I think also a part of life is accepting you aren't going to feel great every day, and that along the journey there'll be a lot of ups and downs. 

No temptations as such at the minute but maybe that is easy to be the case when I don't really have money to gamble with anyway at the moment anyway. The proper test my come when I do. Also not much sports on at the minute, I'm unsure whether I should be avoiding, I am properly going to watch the world cup games because football is something I love just a shame that's all tangled up with gambling in my mind. Also very obvious how much gambling is pushed through sports really, you won't go very far without seeing some sort of gambling advertisement whether you are watching the sports, reading news about it, even looking up scores on apps. All of it absolutely awash with gambling advertisements which can obviously act as a trigger. 

Day 5, it may be at some point soon I run out of things to say. Today I'm reminded of why I'm quitting. The guilty, sinking feeling in your stomach when you've just gambled and lost money you couldn't really afford to lose. When you have to lie (or bend the truth) to avoid anyone noticing you actually have no money. In all honesty I've never been particular motivated by the financial, which seems odd. Of course you gamble to win money but more to me it was about proving my skills in predicating the future. Everyone likes having enough money to be comfortable this much is true but I don't think having little money is the end of the world, maybe this attitude lends myself to be willing to risk money in the first place. Often times in life being bold and risking things can bring about a positive change or outcome in your life. It's just this need for daring directed into gambling is a recipe for disaster but I think it speaks to a primal urge in all humans that seeks excitement and a willingness to engage in something risky and thrilling. The statistics show that men are more likely to be addicted to gambling and that to me makes sense, because traditional men are far more risk-seeking than women, it could possibly be also that primarily sports is more appealing to men, modern culture especially as made watching sports synonymous with gambling. 

Overall still feeling okay. I was a bit worried that if I give up gambling I will pick up some bad, maybe even worse habit in it's place. But I don't think it has to be like that. I have other I would say not completely ideal habits in my life but none of them are anywhere as near as destructive as gambling is. I am going to try and stay gambling free for a while before I then move on to tackling them at a later date. 

Hi Fyodor

I doubt if you will run out of things to say. It's amazing when you start working on the cause side of the consequences where you have most to say. Consequences are usually fixed through the early abstinence so you can't gamble via blocks etc. Cause is where you can completely remove the compulsion to gamble or any form of addiction 

Thanks Stuart you are right about consequences being fixed. It's like you've locked yourself outside of the prison that you had been in.

Day 6, I don't know if this is related to the quitting gambling or not but noticed I haven't been sleeping as much lately, running on five or six hours but waking up alert and ready to go. But then feeling a bit lethargic during the day but then not being able to sleep to late. Maybe it is related to this giving up gambling, the brain rewiring itself, I've been keeping myself busy during the days. Working on making a bit of one, but also playing some chess online, which gives me a little buzz I will admit. Plus reading and listening to music and youtube videos. Still feel pretty isolated from society, but I have always been introverted and still enjoy spending time on solo pursuits. I am still trying to build up what a clear vision of my dream life looks like. I think one of the main ones is being able to afford to live in an house of my own. That would be a really big step forward in my life, due to my financial situation (not helped by the compulsive gambling) it's never really been an option for me. Having that independence is a big fuel for me moving forward.

Hiya

Just take it easy on yourself buddy. Can't fix everything at once. The sleeping situation is completely normal. Mine isn't fixed yet but don't worry. In terms of isolation, one thing that helped me was just walking for a coffee. Saying hello to people that walked past me and having a two minute conversation with someone serving in the coffee shop. Really starts to build connection 

Thanks Stuart, saying hello to random people is something I've never been able to do which is ridiculously really when I think about it. Maybe I need to give it a go.

Day 7, I did see some gambling advertisements yesterday and that did lead my mind back to gambling and thinking about it, but I quickly snapped out of that and realised that I don't want to be that person anymore. Happy with the way things are progressing so far, in reality that practical steps to avoid gambling don't seem that difficult. It's simply not logging into a gambling websites anymore, which you can't do anyway if you've blocked it. There's really not much more to it than that. Keep to that and you will succeed. It does sound simple but of course I suspect it will throw up some mental challenges along the way but at moment I feel fine and not as if I'm missing out on anything.

Hi Fyodor

The gambling adverts are the operators trying to pull in relapses from addicts and draw people over the line. They have no interest in responsible gambling at they make their profits from 3 percent of their customers. I either look briefly at the adverts and put two fingers up or just say try another one. Then they have wasted their money on me 

Hi Stuart, yeah you are exactly right. I briefly studied marketing and advertising before so I know how that world works. It's particularly bad with gambling advertising I feel because sports is awash with it. You can try your best to avoid, that's probably wise, but eventually you will come across it in some place or other. Also it is engrained in society so you are likely to overhear other people talking about it at some point or another.

Important not to try use this as an excuse though. You have to be strong enough not to be drawn by anything at this point and stay strong. Perhaps rather than seeing it as a bad thing it might be best to see it as a challenge to test your resolve and a chance to fight an urge or thought and grow stronger.

Day 8, one week complete and in the bag. Pretty easy going so far, had the occasional urge cross my mind but nothing that's caused me undue stress. I'm content with trying to build my life back up slowly, the removal of bad habits is a great  starting place, with gambling out the way and not stealing my time and money it should naturally free up space for better things to develop into my life. I am still working on trying to paint a clear picture of what exactly I want from my life, knowing what you don't want is a good place to start though.