Time to start my diary ...

8 days gf.

But nearly reset that to 0 last night. But maybe I'm exaggerating as it's difficult to know how close I was - all I know is that I didn't gamble.

Out of nowhere - right at the end of the evening - roulette thoughts came popping into my head. Positive-ish ones where I thought I could stick a single bet down and hope for the best. I'm self-excluded from every site I've been on - but that's not such an obstacle to dart around if the impulse is strong. I got to a registration screen, toying with the idea of joining - but all said and done, I didn't.

This is what confuses me about the power of the addiction or compulsion or really bad hobby depending on how I look at it. I'm not sure how strong it is for me - I know I've been totally out of control spending as good as everything that I ever deposited, unable to break out of the 'just one more bet' pattern until a new deposit is needed, with a rinse and repeat following. I know gambling is bad for me - I know it made me despise myself, it made me feel as if I was letting others down, I felt I was hiding a dirty secret, I was wasting my life ...

But last night the urge returned - but I decided to allow it - and in a way accepted it - (trying to be all mindful!). I accepted that I'm going to get plenty of these episodes. And that's when I really began to analyse how badly the pull was for me to gamble - looking at how my mind was, body was, behaviour was - and it really wasn't all that bad. I wasn't shaking or sweating or unable to think or I didn't become highly irritable - yes, it wasn't pleasant - I felt a kind of niggling restlessness, I felt a bit conflicted with part of me thinking I'm denying myself a moment of excitement - but another part of me warned myself not to be so dumb and don't dare stick any money on a roulette table.

This is slightly off topic, but sometimes if I've waited in all day for a delivery, in one of those horrible anytime from 8am - 7pm time slots, but it just doesn't arrive - I think that experience was about the same level of discomfort of last night's toying with roulette.

I'm not sure what I'm saying here - I think I'm trying to say that the rush of thoughts and feelings that are triggered when gambling wants to have its way with me - might seem all powerful because I perceive them as powerful - but in actuality they might be no stronger than the sense of restlessness I get whenever Amazon don't live up to their delivery promise. Which is really no big a deal. A momentary discomfort that passes within a short space of time.

I'm only speaking for myself here - but I'm worried that by framing my gambling as this super powerful lifetime struggle with a big charming beast, I'm giving it more much more weight that it actually deserves. And by doing that, I end up thinking about gambling much more than I should - rather than just leaving it be.

I sometimes feel like such a novice when I write my diary, fumbling through my thoughts.

Although if I'm to end on a downer - it's not good that only after 8 days, I'm nudging towards the edge again.

Well done on resisting when you got as far as the registration screen but I don't want to think about you getting that far.

You seem to be saying that you are allowing the gambling urges to become these big powerful things when in reality you are just getting a bit restless. Come on! Go take a long walk or something away from your phone/laptop - you need to fight them, not allow or accept them into your mind. It sounds almost as if you were doing some sort of pyschological test on yourself, whereas you should be running away from the beast, which, by the way is not a charming beast! It is a disgusting ugly thing.

Remember in one of your earlier posts you spoke about taking a sip of the feeling of loss? Think you need to take a gulp.

Just had a look at my calendar - you make it to Christmas and you will be over 50 days GF. You up for it?

Hi Equinox,

Well done 8 days its an achievement. Im 16 days today. You must distract yourself from those urges dont let yoyrself get to a registration screen thats far too dangerous. Have you managed to hand over yoyr finances to anyone? My wife has complete oversight of all my finances and tbh its made it a lot easier knowing that if i did gamble even a little bit i would have to explain myself to her as to why i did it and i will be honest thats not what i want to be doing. You have to want to do this for you but to have that help and that block there helps first off. Ill check in on you time to time see how your doimg. For now remember each day is a good day when GF and stay positive.

Cheers

Mick

Genuinly, a massive thank you Muststop and Mick - I know you're right. Thanks for stepping into my thread to knock sense into my stupid head.

It's just plain dumb of me to get so close to registering. Thankfully, tonight feels very different to last night. It was getting late, the house was quiet and I'd just made back all the money and more that I'd lost the previous week (by working, not gambling) - and that's when the voice makes its return, saying 'just gamble the excess'. Not that there is any excess, I need it all.

But that's the stubborn roulette idiot in me refusing to die off so easy. What I did last night is now foolish in my eyes.

Tonight, there's 2 hours to go before I go to bed - and I'm as sure as sure that there's no way I'm going to gamble tonight.

GF is the only way, I do get that. I just need to watch myself when I start acting so stupidly - but this diary is helping. I get to read and remember all the errors I'm making - and just having Muststop and Mick give me a kick up the backside has worked wonders.

The good news is I'm beginning to enjoy the stuff I used to enjoy. When I woke up this morning, a happy man for not gambling the night before, my wife had just gone to work, my son was still snoozing as he's in gap year bliss, I listened to a Paul Auster interview on my iPad. I'd not listened to it for 7 years and I enjoyed hearing every single minute of it. And it was all free! It's like the smog of gambling is clearing from my life - there I was, sitting eating my toast and tea, with a beautiful day ahead working from home, idly listening to a great writer talk about his work. Bliss. That is the opposite of a week or so ago - I'd be thumping my knee hard every time I lost on red black odd even or whatever, like a bratish child not getting the sweets he wants.

I'm so glad for this site and the people here - because I know without it I wouldn't have had the beautiful morning I had today - I'd be on a spiral down to somewhere ugly with a very swollen and bruised knee.

Muststop - I did realise in the post above that I conveniently skirted around your Christmas challenge by not mentioning it. Part of me felt that if I said I'm up for it - and failed - I'd be letting you down and all the shame that goes with it. But I suppose that's nonesense - time for me to commit - so, yes, I'm up for it!

Your recovery diary has really helped me and I'll give it my very best shot.

Now I just need to shut that irritating gambling voice in my head, that thinks he's some sort of lucky cowboy, who's now shouting no no no no no!

Equinox wrote:

Muststop - I did realise in the post above that I conveniently skirted around your Christmas challenge by not mentioning it. Part of me felt that if I said I'm up for it - and failed - I'd be letting you down and all the shame that goes with it. But I suppose that's nonesense - time for me to commit - so, yes, I'm up for it!

Your recovery diary has really helped me and I'll give it my very best shot.

Now I just need to shut that irritating gambling voice in my head, that thinks he's some sort of lucky cowboy, who's now shouting no no no no no!

Yes, I did notice you avoiding it but now you have committed so you have no choice.

We can both do this because we want to.

Muststop123

Muststop123 wrote:

Yes, I did notice you avoiding it but now you have committed so you have no choice.

We can both do this because we want to.

Muststop123

If only you could hear how panicked the voice of my cowboy gambler now sounds in my head. But yes, looking forward to sending him off to Boot Hill as a Christmas present to myself. Thanks for your support Muststop, I really appreciate it.

Thats it Equinox you know what you need to do and your doing the right things. Keep up that hard work keep yourself busy and distracted youll be at christmas before you know it.

Thanks Marson - keeping busy and active with the better things in life does seem to be the way forward. When I think of myself gambling, I picture a really static me, plonked on the sofa clicking away at my laptop, going nowhere fast and doing nothing of value whatsoever.

Today was an easier day - my resolve not to gamble seems to be getting that little bit stronger each day. Really glad I've self excluded from all my sites. It's so much harder to make that psychological jump to register with a brand new site than it ever was to easily log on to an existing one.

The best bit for me so far is not having a fresh regret living with me throughout the day.

I think even if I won money by gambling, I'd feel tainted, as if I've let myself down. Winning or losing are beginning to seem one and the same.

The cowboy gambler in my head did make a little appearance today - wanting me to try Blackjack. Trying to convince me that this isn't as foolish a gamble as roulette, as if somehow Blackjack has skill. Lasted about 10 minutes then my mind moved on to something else.

I think ended up buying the BBC show, Tattoo from iTunes for £9.99. I thought I'd give it a watch and listen to some of the podcasts about it while I work. I'm enjoying how far a tenner goes these days. This will take about 30 hours of my time to finish, instead of 8 seconds on a roulette table.

So glad I found this site. I'm going to keep saying that.

Clocking in to Day 10 gf!

Nice to hit double figures. Just another 90 and I get to see triple figures.

Even though it's just 10 days, it seems longer since my last gambling spree. The agony of the gambling, for the most part, has died away. This could be as much a blessing as a curse.

I was going through my iPhone today, deleting unecessary files to free up some space and when I searched through my photos to see what could be trashed, I unexpectedly came across a screen shot from an online withrdrawal of one of my big early wins.

I hesitated for a moment deciding whether I should delete the photo or not because it did bring back a stab joy, reminding me of the time when I thought I was magically jinxed by a permanent good fortune. The voice of the cowboy gambler in my head made a little appearance, telling me there's no harm in keeping the photo - just for ol' times sake - as a kind of reminder that that the good old days of big money wins are still possible if I ever wanted to chance my luck again.

But I'm learning not to listen to the cowboy, so I quickly deleted the photo.

Still keeping productive and looking forward to day 11.

It would have been my dad's birthday today. I might talk about this in tomorrow's entry because thinking about him today strengthened my reslove to live a more moderate, gamble free life.

Day 12 gf done.

Not happy with the way my thoughts are beginning to bend back towards gambling.

But I'm not going to panic about this - if I had to give up some comparatively trivial habit like coffee or tea, I'd expect coffee or tea thoughts to pop into my head. So I've got to remember that it's not the thoughts - it's the giving into them I should worry about.

When the thoughts come, there's something bratish and expectant about them - so when I imagine playing roulette again I'm more than ready to win but far from willing to lose.

But the value of money is coming back to me - just over a week ago I was happy chance hundreds in minutes, now I'm feeling a bit Scrooge-ish when it comes to the thought of parting with my cash. Fifty pounds would be painful. So maybe this is a good sign.

Hi Equinox,

Well done on 12 days. I know what you mean by the thoughts of gambling and winning. I have the same thoughts each day but they are just thoughts reminders of a feeling that you think will make you happy. The truth is that were you to gamble then that feeling would soon turn to anger frustation and straight back on to chasing money thats not there. I myselfuse those thoughts to stop myself from doing any form of gambling as the pain and suffering it will cause far outweighs the sense of happiness a quick gamble may bring.

Another day down keep going strong and remember your not the only one dealing with this and people are here to support you when you need it.

Cheers

Mick

Thanks Mick - you're dead right about the pain and suffering outweighing the happiness of the lucky quick gamble. That's what I'm trying to do now - is remember the awful miserable feelings, which was the majority of the time, that gambling triggered. Plus, I know deep down that I won't withdraw until I've lost it all - I've proved that time and time again.

I did mention to my wife tonight that I was feeling the urge to gamble again - and she did a brilliant, gentle calm talk down, which removed the urges completely.

But dear diary - I've been bad. I think. The other day I registered to a new gambling site. It's like revisiting a crime scene. The good news is I didn't gamble and didn't deposit. In fact I didn't want to gamble or deposit. It's like a kind of therapy just seeing that roulette wheel spin and ball land and the coloured number appear on screen - it did fill me with a kind of dread, it brought back those awful awful awful awful feelings of desperation, that sickness in the stomach that came with each spin on a losing streak.

But what am I doing? Is this me just kidding myself again, tip toeing back to the game? Maybe - but I honestly don't think so.

Today is the longest I've ever been gf since I developed the expensive and soul-draining habit.

A bit of a side note - my headphones stopped working on the way to the gym today, so it was nice to just buy a new pair without feeling stingy about it. I'm beginning to enjoy spending money on useful stuff rather giving it to a some business based in Malta.

Talking you down is all very well but what proactive measures are you both putting into place to block your access to gambling?

Your wife could set passwords to blockers. K9 is effective and free and once you're blocked the temptation to play with fire (you are) is gone leaving you free to concentrate on other aspects of your recovery.

Hi Equinox

Good to hear you are continuing to resist the urges. I think having someone to talk to is a huge benefit in fighting this - I know deep down that I would probably still be gambing if I had not confessed to my wife as I would have continued the irrational thoughts and been unable to put the physical blocks in place myself.

Still worry you are putting unnecessary extra pressure on yourself by continuing to skirt around gambling throughout your recovery. The previous gambling with pretend money, watching youtube videos and still having ability to register on new websites just seems to be extra temptation that none of us need and it feels like you are almost testing yourself to prove how strong you are?

On the radio this morning they were discussing the approach people should take to terrorist attacks and I know this is a bit of stretch but maybe the Run-Hide-Tell approach to gambling urges might be more appropriate rather than the Bruce Willis poke it with a stick and fight it on your own approach. I just feel gambling is just too big and powerful to go anywhere near so better to do everything in my power to keep away from it.

Keep strong and GF.