Toughest unwanted battle imaginable

Well done for abstaining Wilsy , you’re doing great ! Just keep swimming the Pacific Ocean . There’s no turning back now . Happy days 🙂

Sars

DAY 35

Thank you SjwSjw, Breakfree and Sars27 for your support and comments.

Today I woke up feeling very, very sleepy, I actually felt dizzy and it took a long while to wake up and find balance on my feet. Sometimes I sleep very heavy but I always wake up around 4.30 am and it can effect how I feel when I wake up, I also believe I get most of my side effects from my anti-depressants in the morning and I settle down throughout the rest of the day.

I am feeling a little low and sad today. I am not a Christmas person, I am alone and have no children so it is a particularly lonely time. I cannot anticipate day by day how I am going to feel when I open my eyes as depression doesn't allow you to decide which days you feel normal and which days you feel numb and paralysed. I know I need to keep an eye on my moods in the lead up to Christmas as with each passing day, it will get harder.

I have no urges to gamble whatsoever, the fact that my friends are self-destructing just before Christmas puts me right off. I have £386 to last me the month and I have rent to pay on the 21st of December which is £480. Now normally I would be thinking I have to gamble (I have no choice), to make another £100+ so I can pay my rent and eat but this time round I am telling myself, 'No you don't need to gamble Wilsy', as long a mum sees my bank transactions and receipts she'll see I am not gambling and she will help me with the extra needed to make sure my rent is paid, then I can pay her back out of December's salary. It's going to be a difficult hard road on my salary which is only £21K a year and I will need support from family as my debts are crippling but manageable. As long as family can see I am trying my hardest, I am sure they will lend me small amounts to get me by.

Work is okay, slowing down now for Christmas so it is hard to remain motivated, I often find myself reading other peoples diaries for inspiration to get me through.

Anyway I am waffling now, the anxiety is increasing so I'll stop here but one thing is for certain, I will not gamble today, I will instead work, go to the shops to get washing powder and food, then go home and get into bed. My life is already improving day by day that I don't waste another penny but I do still need those dreaded cigarettes which are a waste of money, I can't quite give up two bad habits at the same time sadly.

Just for another day, I am a compulsive gambler and I will not be drawn to the table to play with the devil. I decide today to abstain to give myself the best chance of a happier future. I am a good human being and I deserve as much happiness as anyone else and I will not beat myself up or blame myself for the way my brain is wired.

Hi Wilsy,

Great post. Even though you are feeling down today you can still see some positives, and you are strong enough to realise that gambling is not the answer to making sure your rent is paid. My last blowout was because I was panicking that I didn’t have enough money to go on a stag do. I only needed a couple of hundred quid, but because I gambled I emptied my overdraft of £750! If I’d just asked family to help me out they would have done, but I stupidly thought a return to gambling was the answer to my problem.

Hi Paul, thanks for your post. Exactly the same with me in the past I used to believe I had no choice but to gamble and I used to lose everything. This time around I know that isn't the answer, my family will know I am short, I will have proof to show them why I am short and it won't be because of gambling. I am sure they will help me with the rent, it's the £8 every couple of days towards f**s that they will now want me to give up, I just can't at the moment as my life is so boring looking at 4 walls every night and not doing much.

DAY 36

Well how do I feel this morning......... tired, no urges to gamble, still need my cigarettes, when I run out for a moment I say to myself that I will not buy anymore then an hour later I buy a packet. The expense of cigarettes is crippling but the need to have some is too strong, this is an addiction I will have to face head on in the new year.

Christmas is fast approaching, how do I feel about that, well I cannot wait until the 22nd when it will be my last day at work but I am also nervous about being alone for most of the duration and not having a partner to share Christmas with will be hard as I had a lovely Christmas last year with my ex. For me it's going to have to be a matter of turning my brain off. Try and watch as much football as I can, spend time with family and sleep. I must be on guard and not let depression take a stronger hold, it's not an easy time for anyone Christmas and New Year, there are people that have lost their parents or loved ones and I'm just complaining about being on my own. I will think of all those people that are much worse off than me or have lost loved ones and that will hopefully make me feel a little better about my own position. Every battle is individual to that person, I will just try my upmost to remain gamble free, remain true to myself, friends and family and just recharge the batteries.

Just for the next 24 hours I will numb my brain and refrain from any betting activities for the benefit of a better and brighter future.

DAY 37

It's Friday at last and it's bloody freezing. Not very motivated at work today, I am just tired and want to be at home. Going to a football match tomorrow which I am looking forward to. I am a season ticket holder and have been selling my seat over the last few months to survive. Now I feel ready to venture back and enjoy myself. Money is slowly ebbing away, always seems to be something I need to by and today I need to pay for my meds, washing tablets and more food, tomorrow petrol money to London and back then same again on Tuesday night but at least I'm not gambling and have no urges to either.

Just for another day I intend to live a normal life without losing any money.

DAY 40,

another weekend and I've passed the test with flying colours. Enjoyed Saturday at the football with my dad and yesterday I didn't leave the house and stayed in bed all day, hardly did anything. No urges apart from briefly on Friday night when went into town to get a curry but I quickly put them out of my head.

Another week ahead, each day I remain gamble free the quicker my mental health will continue to improve as will the quality of my life.

Have a good week everyone.

Well done on 40 days and another weekend passed GF. Great stuff.

DAY 41

It's cold! Venturing up to watch Crystal Palace versus Watford tonight so looking forward to that even if the roads will be slippery and it will be freezing.

Noticed recently with a friend that gambling changes a person for the worst. He is losing, chasing and feels he has no choice but to carry on. I have been in this position many times but I've seen recently how gambling makes a person horrible and act irrationally. Hope his head clears soon and he realises he needs to stop.

No gambling urges with me, money is running low and I have no desire in participating in the self destruction I would normally cause myself this time of year

DAY 42,

Palace won, I am happy, life is better without gambling. No urges, no stress, no anxiety, no chasing, no lack of sleep, eating back to normal, shows you what a 'zap' on life gambling is, like a weed to a flower, an utter a******e of a virus which will suck the soul out of a person and we all need to continue to repel it for the better of our goodselves.

Just for another day I choose to start making a better life for myself and with a little patience, I will suceed.

“Life is better without gambling”

Happy to read that, Wilsy. Keep doing what you are doing and things will keep getting better.

DAY 43

Thanks Paul. Work's do today so say no more, going to enjoy myself and got the elf christmas jumper on. No urges, no worries not stress.

DAY 44

Work's do survived, today I will limp through and get into bed when I am home! Haha

Hi Wilsy

Thanks for the post the other day ☺

Good to see you marching on and fighting the good fight!

Nice & steady, you're doing brilliantly!

Keep posting!

S&B xx

DAY 47

Thanks S&B for your support, yes I'm still marching on, one day at a time.

I am glad to say I have had no urges or desire to gamble whatsover, partly because i don't want to and because I am keeping myself busy, the medication obviously helps because I am not feeling so depressed each day but also without the gambling my life is less stressful and depressing.

Money running out fast however, I pay an awful lot out each month and it'll take me some time to get level. I still spend too much but I keep telling myself, I don't go out or by myself anything out of my wages so if I want 20 f**s every two days, some petrol to get around and some nice food to eat then I'll get those things. I'll need help to pay rent at the end of the week £380 short but I'll be able to pay this back the day after and fight my way through a long January.

Work has died a death and find myself struggling for motivation at the moment, this is an area I will have to think about next year, I might have got to a stage where I need a career change.

Have a good week everyone.