Over the past few years, there have been many ups and downs, although up until about two months ago progress was positive. In the last two months I have completely gone out of control and back to gambling every penny I have. I am still in debt and just can't seem to beat this demon so I have come back here as I want to get my life back.
I can't carry on like this as I'll end up back where I was 5or 6 years ago. So I need to look at the progress made since then to remember why I need to stop for good. I am now 36 and I do not want to be here when I am 40. This isn't having a life, it is merely existing. I still ask myself why do I still feel the need to gamble. A lot has changed in the past few years - I have a better paid job which I enjoy despite it being stressful and the one big difference to in the past, is I always make sure the rent is paid as soon as it's payday. It's sound pathetic really but there have been many times in the past where I have emptied everything in my account and not paid a single thing. It's still very sad but it is some small progress. Anyone who reads this may think this is a weird way if looking at it but prevupprev I have beat myself for weeks on end and become seriously depressed which hasn't really helped. I have had a big blow out over the past few days which I am angry with myself for but I need to go back to basics which is why I have come back here. Unlike in the past, despite loosing a lot of money, the rent and most the bills are paid, and I still have some omeny left with my daughter which will get me through the month even if it will be tight, I am not going to stay up all night making myself sick. I have done it and can't change it so now I need to look at resolving this for good. At least this situation is savagable unlike in the past.
I also need to tackle this without being in a state of despair over what I have done as I need to get on and not let it affect my job.
First thing tomorrow morning I'm going to sit down and make a plan for my finances and look at how I seriously address them. I am not going to let this dreadedful addiction take another year of my life. 2019 can be the year that my life changes for good, if I work at it.
This probably sounds like a lot of babble but I needed to get it off my chest so I can start tomorrow or should I say today with the right, positive outlook to tackle this message I have created for myself.
Just read your post mate sounds very similar to me. There are 2 bills I always pay a loan my dad got for me and my mortgage. I was £6 short to pay both after I got paid 14th December due to owing out money and gambling. Anyways I paid it and have lived on pretty much nothing since. That made the penny drop for me hence the fresh 2019 start. Stay strong and good luck this year
Hi Matthew
Thank you for the post. I know it's probably not a big achievement but compares to where I was many years ago, it is some progress which I see as hope that we can overcome this addiction. My finances are messed up but luckily nothing I cannot rectify if I refrain from gambling and that is my plan. I hope you get your debt to your dad paid off so that you have some money to enjoy life. It's a horrible hole we have dug ourselves but I hope that 2019 will be the year that we both climb out of it and keep that hole filled for good.
Good luck on your journey. For today I will not gamble as I can't win because I can't stop.
Don’t knock any small achievement mate small steps even second by second when the gambling urges come. Av blown 10s of thousands mate.. fortunately I have a well paid job which will help pull me out of it but still 14-15k to find and a ruined credit rating. I’ve set a new goal this year to not miss any debt payments and save up to buy my gf a diamond ring. This is what will motivate me this year. Only 4 days in but feeling good already. Amazing the clearer mind you get when you haven’t got gambling brain fog by betting all the time.
I’m just new to the site so it’s the first time I’ve done this but forums are helping as I’m not alone batting it in my own mind.
Sounds like we are in similar situations whereas in the past I didn't have a well paid job to sort it out, now I'm earning more I should be able to get straight if I don't gamble. I think I have underestimated how important this site is to give motivation and to realise that coming back here regularly is really important to get the things of your chest that you can't tell someone close.
Sounds like you have a good plan and goals set. It's important to have a focus and not to lose sight of it.
Well after writing a long post about my thoughts, it timed out and didn't save. That pretty much sums up my day!!
Thanks for the post. Best wishes in battling this hideous addiction.
anon1982 wrote:
Well after writing a long post about my thoughts, it timed out and didn't save. That pretty much sums up my day!!
Stay strong mate - through my first Saturday with bells on it .. feeling strong and positive
Thanks new day and Matthew for the posts.
I have managed to sleep half the day away which isn't very helpful although I guess there are two positives to it. I can actually sleep whereas in the past I wouldn't be able to sleep at all and while I'm sleeping I can't gamble and don't get any urges but feeling rather deflated today and lacking motivation to do anything.
I need to find somethings to do in my spare time that I enjoy and that keeps me busy, with sleeping not being one of them.
Today I haven't given in to the small urges of wasting any money and went out for a nice meal with my daughter instead which is definitely fair cheaper than a gambling binge.
Back to work tomorrow so I will regain my daily focus and be so busy catching up on things I won't have time to think about wasting a penny. Also looking forward to getting my sleep pattern back into check as it is completely shot from having time off and will also cure the boredom.
Going to read a few diaries before trying to get to sleep and having another day over with. Here's to tomorrow gamble free.
So it's gone 4.30am in the morning and I still haven't managed to get to sleep yet, despite having to get up for work in around 2 hrs. I'll be walking around half asleep tomorrow, however one positive is that whereas usually if I'd been up until this time on a work night, it would mean only one thing. That I'd been sat in a gambling website all night. Well not tonight, instead I have been sat on this site for hours reading through endless posts from cgs and family members to really get the harsh reality of the impact we have in others. Not that I'm not aware at the devastating consequences on our loved ones, but I guess maybe a more honest, brutal perspective then we may get and I need this as a reminder. It also occupies my time so I'm not getting that itch to want to try and gamble. I do not want to gamble anymore and will take each day as it comes. I must leave this site if only to get at least an hour's sleep before getting up for work. At least I won't be waking in a panic or having hives feelings of guilt about how much money I've spent for today I did not gamble.
I haven't posted for a long time but I have come on most nights and read many diaries which inspire me to do better and see what life can be without gambling. I wish I could say it was day 73, however since last posting I have had a blip or two so stopped thinking about my day count and just concentrate on getting through one day at a time without wasting my money.
Despite the blips, which by past standards are minor -not that I'm down playing them as they are still screw ups but at least they haven't done financial damage, only to my soul which at least doesn't directly impact my family. I have certainly done enough damage there in the past.
In general, things are fairly positive and amazing what a few months can do. Beginning of this month I cleared a payday loan and paid off another debt. At the end of this month I will have cleared 2 more and a significant amount on another. I can finally see progress being made and if I can refrain from gambling I should be debt free by the end of the year.
For many years I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel due to debts and repayments. Now having a better job with more income I can see a time when I will be debt free and that hasn't been the case for about 10 years.
Life is much better these days, things are being accomplished, I have money to go out and do things with my daughter and I can even think about booking a summer holiday for us. That is my focus. I work hard and long hours and I finally want to have something to show for my money, not thinking about what I could have had if I'd not started gambling. For the most part things are okay but I'm still lacking something from my life that I got from gambling. I guess it's the excitement, the thrill, the high of using. The thing is, I don't want to use anymore, I want to live a happy, peaceful life without worrying about how I'm going to pay for things.
I'm rambling and not even sure what I'm trying to say, I guess I'm still lonely and bored and need to find that thing to occupy my mind. Some days are great and other days like today, I lack motivation to do anything and end up spending most of the day in bed. It's a constant battle with myself and some days are a struggle but I am grateful for this place as I often come here in my times of feeling lonely and bored and read through lots of diaries which keep me occupied.
Hi anon1982,
Well done on not letting a 'blip'/minor lapse derail your progress. It sounds like you have a lot to look forward to that you can use as motivation. Feel free to call us on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline if you would like to discuss anything one-to-one with an Adviser.
Best Wishes
Forum Admin
Hi,
I don't post a lot on diaries because I'm self conscious and worry a lot that I might say the wrong thing. I wanted to thank you for your kind words about my diary. Although, that must have been some marathon read! :-D. I've been around the diaries awhile now and like you said, taking things one day at a time has always rang truest for me. Those small steps forward really do add up. Keep pushing forward. I will too. xx joan
Thank you for the support.
I have decided I need to start posting a little more on the good and bad days to really record and understand this journey.
Today, has been a good day, despite it not being full of action and excitement, it has been calm. I have had many gambling urges today but I have recently decided I want to do the house up a bit, buy a few bits of furniture and accessories to colour co-ordinate everything. I'm a bit of a perfectionist so it has to be matching and often think this is some of them problem. I want everything to be perfect, set very high standards for myself and get easily frustrated if I don't meet them. This is why I can't understand how I ended up here but as everyone who has come here whether they are intelligent, hardworking, caring, rich or poor, will have come to the realisation that this awful addiction doesn't discriminate no matter who we are.
what started out as a little bit of fun and entertainment has slowly or in some cases quickly destroyed our lives, our soul and most importantly the loved ones around us.
After my little sidetrack, so today when I got the urges I decided to start looking at what I wanted to get for the house so I decided to start with the bathroom as that is the cheapest and I found a bath and toilet mat set, a bale of towels and an eight piece bathroom set with a bin, toilet roll holder etc... In my favourite colour and went ahead and bought it. All that came to a bargain price of £34.99! So today I resisted the urges and despite spending some money, although at a tiny fraction of what it could have cost me might I add, I'm well chuffed as I will have worked a little way towards my goal of sprucing the house up and can be proud I have something to show for my money. I treasure moments like this and think about how happy it makes me after so many years of misery and having nothing, I will have a house to be proud of. I hope everyone's staying strong. Me -1 Urges -0.
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