What a day!

Hello Irene

I am very new to this site and I had my last gambling session online on the virtual sports on 18th Jan 2013. I have only ever used the online betting sites and the virtual sports, so in a way, I am fortunate so to speak, that betting offices, slot machines and casinos are of no interest to me. This does not mean to say that I have not amassed a substantial debt through gambling for the past two and a half years.

I have always been a strong minded, confident and determined woman, usually always knowing what I want and how I am going to achieve it but in the past two and a half years, I have completely lost sense of who I used to be and worse, how I am now the person I am!!

What with the constant feelings of stress, anxiety, panic, guilt, shame and remorse gradually increasing in time and finally hitting an all time low on 18th Jan 2013 when I had relapsed after several months of trying to get back on track, nearly succeeding and then failing at the final hour, I decided, it was time to definitely CALL IT A DAY.

I have since self excluded myself from all the major online betting sites and I have now downloaded the K9 web protection and my sister (who has been most supportive both emotionally and financially) has put in a secret password, preventing me from gaining any access.

I have started my weekly skype gamcare counselling and from there, I was introduced to this forum and consider completing a recovery diary. This is now where I am up to with determination to succeed with this.

I feel I am already benefitting from what I have done so far (I have no money until I am paid on 20th Feb) however, to just feel less stressed and anxious and instead to have a feeling of calm and relaxed is something I have not experienced in a long long time.

Getting back to you. Can I just say, that I have read various posts and replied to some. Firstly, I would like to commend you not only on your comittment to end your gambling days but also to quit smoking. (I am an anti smoker myself), however, I can only relate to those of you who do smoke and enjoy it in the same way that I am a chocoholic and love eating it!!

I have spent all evening practically reading all of your posts. I have found them interesting, funny, real, commendable, relatable and encouraging.

My next big step is 20th Feb - pay day. I am confident even at this early point that I will not be doing my usual - waiting for my salary to hit my account just after midnight and before the sun has even had time to rise fully, have gambled almost all of my hard earned salary!! I will not be able to do this as I have now got things in place to prevent me from doing so. I am however, like you were,, looking forward to seeing my online bank statements, displaying all my paid direct debits as opposed to seeing online betting transfers and unpaid direct debits.

I hope you don't mind me sending you such a long post. I suppose, like you, I just wanted to say exactly what was on my mind!!

I did try to go on to the chat room this evening at 7pm as was advertised but it just kept saying it was closed???

Take care and continue to be other people's inspiration. I hope to do the same!! Hope to keep in touch.

FEB2013.

Evening I,

84 days today right I ? You are seriously getting the hang of this. I kind of feel stupid giving you advice as you're another inspiration to me here and clearly a clever woman, but try not to get too hung up on those philosophical questions like "who am I" now. Who you are now is something real, something alive, and something far better and stronger than 84 days ago. Seriously you're doing fab. You've also a great sense of humour and I can imagine you being a right laugh. In a good way of course 🙂

Clearly you have a lot on your plate with this, your sons business that's worrying you, and the smoking stuff. As far as the smoking goes I really don't envy you. I'm nowhere near your smoking level, but I can't quite commit to that just yet. I'm trying to exercise more and convincing myself the smoking will do less damage then. Obviously not true, but I'm a light smoker as it is.

I, keep it up. You're very liked here.

Bilko x

Thanks for the lovely post Feb x

Day 84= 12 weeks gamble free 🙂

I was spurred by Feb2013's post to read my dairy from the start- oh the things that keep me occupied whilst working nightshift lol.

Jeez- I sound like a bit of a nutter in my posts!!!! I suppose 12 weeks ago I was much nuttier than I am now. I'm so glad I kept a log of my progress. There's been ups and downs, even reading brought emotions back so vividly. The one constant is that I've not given in to the gambling urge- for that I'm so grateful.

Its also heartening that so many people on this site offer support unconditionally. I feel that I have made many friends on this virtual forum and have pics in my head of each one! Without the support of people here, I dread to think what I'd be up to now. Felt a wee bit sad too, some of the folk I "met" initially have disappeared- I hope to bigger and better things.

I know that gambling changed me- my personality, lifestyle, relationships as well as financial well-being. I don't know whats ahead- none of us do but I do know that I don't want gambling to be part of my life.

I noted there's been a lot of my plans- running, badminton, volunteering that havent come to fruition. As I've said previously, I'm exceptionally good at avoiding stuff I don't like. My next goal will be to find some form of exercise that I do like- that I can do without depending on anyone else.

I feel like I'm starting to be "me" again properly. There'll always be hurdles in life- its how I decide to overcome them that's changing. I've written before about some recent worries which are still pending, and some changes that are imminent in my life- they haven't altered but I've accepted that I can't influence the outcome at this time.

I've got some really exciting stuff planned at work which should be really challenging yet rewarding. There seems to be loads of us CGs here who work in the "caring" professions- I wonder if this has been researched?

Enough babble for 1 night!

Hi there

Did you say you have purple hair? Snap

Also picked up on the number of us in the caring professions or similar. Maybe we are just so used up by other people it leaves a vacuum that we fill with gambling or maybe we see a lot of pain and sadness in people's lives and want to block it out. So many maybe's, I would love to do some research but can't seem to find anywhere on first look that isn't in the states or miles away.

I totally understand what you mean about finding yourself again as I haven't a clue what I really like or want or need at the moment but with the gambling off the scene I might have a chance of finding out and as you say dealing with the rubbish in a different way.

12 weeks is so brill, you must be really proud of yourself, I would be and from listening to you with your strength the weeks will just go on and on and on---

Hi Irene,

thank you for your lovely words and post it was very touching and really gave me a much needed boost.

Its funny isnt it how someone you have never met only virtually you can feel such unity with and I feel that with everyone on this site, we have all fought and clawed our way out of the gambling dungeon , I use the analogy that we are soldiers and each day we dont gamble and every urge that we beat we are building up our body armour getting stronger and more resiliant to face what life throws at us.

For 12 weeks now you have built that protective armour around you and im glad you have re- read your diary because now you can see how far you have come. I am so proud of what you are achieving and you should be to.

Keep setting those little goals to yourself its always nice to have something to aim for, my dad always used to say to me " Shoot for the moon and if you miss at least you will reach the stars".

Keep going irene you are heading in the right direction.

Take care of yourself.

blondie xxx

Hi Irene

its been a while since i last posted on your post.

Congrats on the 12 weeks you are doing great keep up the good work.

And set those goals to achieve also hope your quitting smoking is going ok.

Irene.

I take great heart when i read a recovery is leading to a person feeling like "me" again.

At GA a fella told me upon my first meeting give us 90 days

i did and around that point a penny did drop.

A lightbulb moment.

That life will not be bettered through the outcome of my gambling.

In actual fact the polar opposite will happen.

Destructing things.

Well done i believe you have had a lightbulb moment.

Rest assured it will lead to more.

Well done you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

hi irene

carl

Again, thanks for kind posts. x

Day 85

Tried to find studies looking at personality traits/professions of cgs- my blocker works lol! Wont let me open any studies! Wasnt that important-was just curious.

Anyhow, a good day....very busy at work which keeps me focussed. Enrolled for 2 conferences being hosted locally-didnt push my luck and ask for USA one!

Loving my new base-sharing an office with my bud which is fun tho hectic-we both have busy different roles in the team.

1 cig today 🙁 must do better.

Hi Irene

Well done in reaching your 12 week mark and well done also on abstaining/cutting down on your cigarettes. Being a non smoker (anti) ha!, I am appauled at the cost of them! (she says after spending undreds in a matter of hours - in the past of course)!!

Look at it as You will do better and not you must do better - see, already, the pressure is off!!

Take care and stay strong and keep walking on the bright side of the road.

thanks Feb- I'm doing less better today with cigs 🙁

Day 86

Today was one of "those" days at work- the type that should have had me jumping up and down it was so rubbish....strangely I enjoyed it!

Woke up to snow. Wind and sleet mid morning. Rainy afternoon.....and sunshine briefly before dusk!!!!

Had another sleep disturbed night. I'm suspecting that this is because although I'm trying hard not to worry about stuff- my subconsious is mulling over bits when I'm asleep and taking me to the world of gambling to which I used to "escape"- resulting in the disturbing dreams. I'm not sure about the mechanics of sleep or dreams so my theory may be way off 🙂

Son's still not had final mortgage approved- if my gambling/ debt has in any way affected his chances I'll be devastated.......please please please let it be OK.

Hi Irene

In what way do you think this may affect your son getting a mortgage? Is it because he has been living at your address? Try not to worry, I know this is easier said than done but one thing I definitely know is that feeling anxious is one of the worst and most harmful feelings of all. Feeling anxious can without a doubt, affect your sleeping patterns even when/if you are not necessarily feeling anxious as you climb into bed.

Take care and I will say a prayer for you both tonight. I know it might not be to everyone's cup of tea but being a catholic it is something that I do and it keeps me going.

Speak soon.

Fingers and toes all crossed but sure the outcome will be good.

Sleep well.

xxx

Hiya Irene.

Thank you for your kind post.

Just had a read of a few of your diary entries.

I wish you all the best.

I also started on small bingo bets and then to slots max bets and no money.

Why do we do this to ourselves?!

Wow at 80 days you are such an inspiration that this can be done.

All the best

Joe

Thanks-your support means everything!

Day 87

Another good one-feel exhausted tho (for no obvious reason) so planning an early one.