Found out around a month ago my husband has built up a large gambling debt in the form of loans, an overdraft and a credit card. We have put a lot of things in place to help him stop and I have agreed to give him a chance to put it all right and attend meetings etc. When I initially found out he said that we had to pay off these debts with money from our joint savings. I refused. He is now working every overtime he can to pay this off. Am I doing the right thing? My issue with just clearing the debt was that it was just undoing the damage without him having to be accountable and actually feel the consequences of his gambling. I know it's his savings aswel but I have worked so hard to save and budget and take care of all the finances and everything is in my name, he's literally responsible for nothing. So there wouldn't be a penny saved if it was down to him.
I'll add that these joint savings are solely in my name. We have nothing officially joint as we know the risk of this. We have a toddler and 1 on the way so I don't want to risk this affecting my credit rating.
I think you are definitely doing the right thing. Good for you... it's a hard thing to do.
Cathyx
Always wary of giving advice as you don't really know the inner relationships. However he does seem as if he's putting in the effort to accepting the addiction so this should get credit. Maybe a compromise, such as if he keeps attending meetings, attending counselling etc, for every £ extra he earns you match it out of the saving pot? I get its hard for the partner who sees the gambler spending the money as not accountable, so it depends what efforts and honesty is being shown. All the best. tri
Morning,
The standard advice is never to contribute to or cover gambling debts. Such advice is usually offered by f&f who have done so and regretted it, because the gambling happened again, nothing changed, the net result was more debt each time. As you say, to pay off gambling debts from joint savings cushions consequences, blurs the link between placing bets and being short of money and keeps the cycle going. The problem isn't financial, it's emotional. The debt is incidental to the gambling and diminishes over time when the gambling stops.
If you do spend the joint savings on his debts, understand that the money is gone, it won't be repaid and the next blowout will result in a higher level of debt.
First time round, I paid some of the debt off and nothing changed. This time round, he has routine blocks and barriers, attends meetings and I have financial control. He had lost an eyewatering amount of family money and to make some reparation for that, for protection, and at my insistence, he transferred our flat into my name. (We never quite got round to upgrading to a house, for what are with hindsight obvious reasons...) At that point, I did pay off the debt because the interest was irritating but he still lives here. On the face of it, not much has changed.
Put your own best interests first, get real life support via counselling and GamAnon meetings. It makes coping a lot easier.
Take care of you.
CW
Hi BKL31,
I am the gambler in my family and I would side with the view on not paying off the debts. I have been bailed out so many times in the past and I dont think it did me any good at all. Currently my debt is very large, but I get great satisfaction from seeing it coming down each month...a sense of accompishment really.
The last thing you want is for him to just do all the things that you want, you clear the debt and for him to then just completely stop attending meetings etc. I have done that in the past...I would say and do anything to get what i wanted until i had gotten it.
I dont know how big the debt is but I can see Tri's point as well...maybe somethibng like offering to help once he has been at GA for a year.
I wish you well with whatever you decide.
All the best.
Damo
Hi BKL
Mr L was bailed out first time round and went right back at it within months running up a smilar amount all over again. Second time round I insisted he did the running around contacting creditors and debt repayment agencies. He also took on a weekend delivery job to start repaying the kids the savings he'd conned from them. I would strongly advise against bailouts. The gambler needs to make the connection between actions and consequences.
Thanks for the advice. I'm so out of my depth with this. I'm second guessing everything and never know if I'm doing everything I can do and never know if he's telling the truth when he says recovery is going well. I'm scared we fail and our family is split up. I don't want to mother him as he needs to be a responsible adult but I worry about the repercussions of the tiniest things you know? Like if he's tired and offers to do the dishes I don't want him to because I start thinking "god what if he gets so tired and fed up that he gambles?!" I'm worrying and stressing about absolutely everything at the moment and I hate him for it even though I know i love him. I'm having anxiety attacks when I think about our and the kids futures. I find myself jealous when friends start talking about nice things they're families are up to. His addiction has affected me so much aswel it's made me bitter and untrusting and negative and before all this that just wasn't me. I'm not enjoying my pregnancy at all this has spoiled it. I feel stuck in a hole in this life that I didn't realise I was signing up for when I married him and it's just so unfair. Sorry I know i went off on a tangent there my minds been racing for a few days and it's all just came pouring out! X
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