Cant see the light

Hi, Anonbelle,

Sorry to hear the situation you're in. My husband is a CG, now in recovery, he cooperates with high barriers and attends GA but in terms of behaviour and attitude he's got a long way to go. It's second time round and it also came to light again about five months ago.

For me, there is a distinct difference between first time round and this time. His poison was spread betting. Last time, I got denials (he was investing, not gambling) lip service (if I insist he'll stop this type of investment but there's no need and I'm happy enough when investments go up, aren't I), blame (actually I still get that) but no financial control. And the gambling continued unabated.

This time I have full financial control, he handed over access to all accounts in his name. Including the children's savings, which he had reduced to pennies. I have closed all his accounts except for our joint account, where the balance is minimal. All other accounts and our home are in my name. I move his salary immediately it is received. I have written to the bank, he signed the letters, to say that he won't want any loans or cards in the future and also I have told the bank that I don't authorise any loans for our joint account. All our devices are password protected and his computer is blocked, we changed the password for the modem at our home. He doesn't use a smartphone. We (the children and I) need all this to be comfortable.

The other aspect is credit reports from the three main agencies. To avoid the possibility of unknown credit, get the reports in your name and his and check regularly.

Two things sound worrying about your post. The lack of his bank statements and his continued contact with "poker players" (does he mean "gamblers"?). If he has a bank account, you should be able to inspect transactions immediately, preferably on line, you should know the passwords and PINs. If you can't, it sounds ominous. And GA do not advise any form of temptation, if you want to stay dry, you have to avoid wet places. Has he shown you any literature, particularly the orange book?

There is a very fine line between a CG and a so called professional poker player or spread better. I doubt the latter exists. As you say, it's the lying and the unreliability that are much more hurtful and difficult to deal with than the loss of money. Although that's galling enough. For me, the barriers are easy, it's the emotional aspect that's a nightmare. I find that my husband doesn't get the damage he has done. I hope the recognition will come soon, but many of the CGs on this forum definitely get it, including ODAAT, who has already replied to you.

Last but most importantly, get the help and support that you need, from friends, family; GamCare offer counselling or GamAnon, whatever works. Put your needs and the children's ahead of his.

Take care,

CW

Hi again...thank u both (Cynical Wife and Half Life) for your replies...and so quick.....i feel really supported already its really nice to feel like that for a change! Yea the poker players are gamblers....my other half still reffers to one of them as a "professional poker" player as thats literally ALL he does. He was texting him the other day and telling me about their conversation ....i just felt infuriated!! I actually looked in the orange book and saw that contact with other gamblers is a no no and when i brought this up with him he insists that they (both gambling friends) are supportive of his GA and recovery....strange that as they all talk about poker?!...must think im stupid
....probably so!
Ill get on with the credit search in his name...mine seem fine. I hate the fact that to go about things properly with going forward im having to take charge of all financial responsibiliy and be like his mother...its not what i signed up for and i hate it but do i have any other choice?
I really do think that both of you ladies deserve some kind of award for what youve been through and are going through...i feel your stronger than me.

Thanks again for listening xx

Hi, Anonbelle

Actually it's the mother/husband bit that is causing me the biggest problem. I don't want to be his mother but I can't take him seriously when he still behaves badly, albeit without betting. And he still wants me to think that it's me.

I was hoping for a change in his attitude that other CGs have shown but as time passes, it seems less likely.

Put yourself first and don't be distracted by tantrums when he can't give you satisfactory answers.

CW

CW,

I think once you start to feel like their mum it just changes your relationship and tbh i feel less attracted to him when he carries on like a 3rd child!

Hes agreed on the credit files and hes going to give me access to his online accounts....he actually said "ive got nothing to hide" hope not!

Hes says some people at group still have access to funds and have abstained for over 10 years so he thinks each situation is personal. Hes still set on having his 2 gambler friends...hes at group tonight so i sed you need to mention it at group...he says he will and he knows what they will say and that they will suprise me with there response.

I get the feeling he wants to pick and choose what dteps out of the 12 steps he wants to follow!

Im a ball of doubt!

Xx

Hi,

I don't know about GA, others can comment better but I think that those CGs with unrestricted access to their finances have unrestricted access because there's no one to do it for them. Where possible, they are recommended to hand over financial control or at least have some sort of ad hoc scrutiny. They are supposed to break the time money location triangle, take one of these away and they can't gamble. The CGs who do better rely on this and not on will power.

In my husband's case, he gambled uninhibitedly whilst he had free access, whilst threatening me with divorce if I dared to open a bank statement. Now that he has handed over control, he manages on pocket money and the money part of the triangle is as broken as possible.

One of the reasons that I question the extent of my husband's recovery is that he also picks and chooses which parts of the GA advice to follow. Abstaining isn't enough, I need him to turn back into a human being.

Take care,

CW

I think its important to remember what GA is about. It isnt a place to go where people will be told what to do. It also isnt a place where somebody is going to do all the hard work required to recover and not just abstain, for you. GA believes compulsive gambling is an emotional illness which is progressive in nature. It believes it can only be arrested by the commitment to continued character change. To surrender to the clear facts that you and your thoughts around your illness have not and will not ever work for you. To be willing and openminded enough to accept there may be a better way. The 12 step recovery program is about embracing a new way of thinking and living. It has very little to do with the practicalities of abstaining. Anybody can stop, not so many have the motivation to stay stopped. Why? Because nothing changed, they just didnt gamble for a while. True recovery isnt about stopping gambling its about starting to connect, with the world, people around you and most importantly oneself. To begin to start making value based choices rather than addiction based choices. GA and its recovery program can guide you through this huge undertaking but it willnot and cannot drag you through it.

Hi, Dan,

It's precisely what you've posted that worries me because I don't see it happening. But let me not do my usual hijacking of the thread!

BW,

CW

I handed over my cards, just kept the joint one so that I would be busted immediately if I did anything dumb but I had to keep 'managing' the finances because of the state I'd gotten them into! Initially, I insisted on him logging on @ least once a day but I've had my card back since day 91 (when I was kicked in the stomach by the urges pretty much as soon as I started celebrating my new found freedom) & now he just does spot checks!

Be interesting to see what it is that the people @ GA come up with that will 'shock you'...Kinda wish I knew a bit more now (it's the Miss Marple in me)! I'm pretty confident that they will tell him stuff that you want him to be told but I guess only time will tell whether the Chinese whispers you get resemble what was said or not!

I'm sorry to be so cynical, I just know how devious & manipulative I was to keep it hidden the way I did! I really hope I'm wrong & the 'magic' of the GA room has got his interest enough for him to fight for you!

Keep doing what feels right for you - ODAAT