Devastated and alone

I probably am not the right person to help being only 4 days gamble free myself, but one thing I do know is it's a horrible addiction and illness, it takes over and sometimes all hope feels lost. I do however find it bizarre he doesn't want to hand over finances it feels a lot like he isn't ready or doesn't think he needs help in my opinion and I can only sympathise with you, I wish you all the best of luck 🤞 

@zq7i2rjg1p thank you. It absolutely is horrible. Yeah, most definitely the arrogance of him thinking he doesn’t need help but the £70k dent in our finances proves otherwise. I can’t help but resent him for choosing gambling over the family we have created. Do you have a partner or family supporting you? Great job on the 4 days, keep it up 👍🏼

Good afternoon,

This is incredibly concerning. A week after clearing debts? Back in such a big amount ALREADY?

I hope you get more replies from gamblers’ wives. Your husband needs very urgent help. As you know it is not your job to fix him and it seems that he is refusing to get help. Staying for the sake of the kids while you are copying with lies, money issues and probably mood swings and bad behaviour? Not healthy at all…You need to put boundaries in place immediately if you are planning to stay. He needs to respect you. 

PS: you are not a fool. You probably did not know until you discovered the extent of it. We all know how good at hiding they are. 

Good luck. 

@lw9tnjzs3h thank you for being kind.
I know, took out 2 more loans almost instantly. I’m devastated. Me too, I’m really struggling with what boundaries specifically they need to be, clearly what we’ve been doing in the past isn’t working. I want to find out what couples do and what’s needed to get through it

Hi am really sorry to hear what u are going through from my experience from my early days i wanted to quit but i wanted to do it on my own terms however i wasent ready to fully commit another issue with this addiction u have a false belief things can change and the press loves such stories the whole system is against addicts until your partner admits defeat and want to make these changes it not going to stop he has to want to stop and do it by all means necessary yes it possible u need to do what best for yourself and protect yourself👍

Hi

Hopefully one of the peer supporters who have experienced gambling harm will reply to you as I am a compulsive gambler in recovery and not the person to say much. Can I please suggest that if you haven't already click the button bottom right that says talk to someone and then either speak to the advisors on the live text chat or ring the number. They will help you and are amazing. It would be good if some how you could get your husband to come on the chatroom at 8pm each night. There is a community of gamblers in recovery that can help and support him

You are certainly not a fool for this happening or for loving him. He no doubt has an addiction and it is an illness but he needs to decide to get help. There is a lot out there free of charge and a community on here that he can talk to who won't judge

Stuart

Hi.

I am to the point so please do not take offence. Firstly that obviously must be very hard on you. I would strongly recommend showing him and actually point blank asking him to do something, ask him to sign up to gamestop. Once that has been done he can then log into his gamestop account and show you the 5 year exclusion  which cannot be undone once it has been done and blocks all gambling sites under his details date of birth, name etc, this will prevent him to gamble online, all current casinos or betting sites he has signed up to will block him and trust me I bet there is tons of them!! There was for me!!!!. The only problem you will have then is if he is going into betting shops himself. Something needs to be done quick before he turns onto other methods, im not saying he is but i know people who are addicted to gambling would do alot to get some money tk alqays tru and earn back what they lost its also very addictive it ahould be banned quite frankly!! Addicted gamblers do resort into illegal activites such as fraud fot example. BE CAREFUL but I would recommend genuinly no matter what has happen sit him down tell him how much you love him and ask him to do that sign up to gamestop .. if he is a regular going inside betting shops then km not sure thay will work .. hpwever if he was a hardcore online gambler like I was who didnt have the nerve to go into betting shops Im almodr certain getting him to sign up to gamestop will sort him out as he cant gamble.. just make sure he doesnt get addicted to an addictive google play or app gsme for example, not talking about gambling but building or football game etc as games can be fun but addictive too. For me my fiance found out and i could see the damsge it was doing to me over the years now i am completely free, have payment arrangements set up on all my loans and credit cards and am repairing. GAMESTOP is the way forwards.

Also.. every 5 years get him to show you his gamstop account when its up for renewal... ot is done automstically when the 5 year period is about to expire but how would you know ??? Make an agreement now with him incase he says somthing luke in 5 years time well do you not trust me? I wouldnt trust him eith gambling at all, everything else maybe, I assume you would , I dont know the chap.

To find out about it type gamstop without the e in on google... it helps SO MANY PEOPLE INCLUDING ME!!!!

Also ask your partner to get into contact with payplan once hes signed up to gamstop. Payplan WILL help him, no one offers free things but once hes signed up to payplan they can seriously help him with his loans and debt. They can ensure the person is placed on LONG TERM PAYMENT PLANS whether it be 1 year or multiple so instead of paying £400 or £100 a month for every loan you are paying just £10 or £20. Pnce youve signed up to them and explained everuthing they will eventually gove you a number then you could call up all these loan and credit cards give them your payplan number then they will have to put you on a payment plan long term of you ask them. For example vanquis will only do it if your getting help with payplan. It can be done via multiple ways all just by whatsapp text too or by phone they make it very easy.

Goodluck...

All the best.

@gny64fi0pr 

Good afternoon,

I went there as well ‘ I’m such a fool’. I think we think that because we tried to help hoping that the addiction will ‘disappear’ and to give the person a fresh start.

I knew RIGHT away there was something wrong and I still gave around £2000 (small amount comparing to what I read on this forum). You know why? Because I put boundaries. I told him I was not helping anymore. I thought it was improving. Only for a while like I read on your post and on a lot of them. And I only discovered this forum after I gave the money. If I had I would not have given any money  (or a smaller amount).

I was not married, no ‘living together’, no kids… I don’t where I would be if it had happened so PLEASE be indulgent with yourself. 

But this is absolutely unacceptable. I repeat ‘tremendously’ unacceptable. Also I can read that someone who replied to your post said that gamblers can end up committing fraud and stealing. I suspect the gambler I knew tried to use my bank details to play online (it was stopped by the bank). It is progressive remember. And I think that at the stage your husband is at immediate action needs to be taken. And you are the only one who knows how she wants to be treated. No more lending. No more doing favours. Show that you are not happy with the situation with actions. Perhaps go on holiday just with the kids, leave an empty plate for him (I know I know…). 

Don’t show him that you are feeling sorry for him. Show that you had more than enough. Money is extremely important when sharing a roof with someone. It brings stability. He is a growing up man not an extra kid. It will take a toll on you (if not already) if it carries on. 

Candy xxx

@gny64fi0pr And just to add: I think the boundaries in your husband’s case have been crossed already to a great extent.

Just take some time to think about it. It is a progressive illness, really addictive, I was there. For me I needed something so I could no longer do it, I also needed love and support whixh my fiance provided to me , she also helped me get back on track after gambling and after signing up to gamstop and payplan. I would not of been able to do it without her. I can see your getting mixed messages all id say is talk to him about gamstop and basically make him do it. If he doesnt do it then theres your answer sadly and im so so sorry. Onviously no one can make anyone do anythimg but what hea doing is wrong and dangerous and its needs to be sorted sit down talk to him and ask him about gamstop and payplan , get it sorted. If this doesnt work then im sorry I have no idea. 

Ive also been without having a father and dad aroumd as he got killed when i was a young teenager. Id say try this if this doesnt work then yes I would say thats it all options done. 

You take care and all the best.

@tazman thank you. Yeah I think it’s that, he’s either not ready to fully commit or he has this belief he doesn’t need help. Neither useful to our family. I just don’t know what to do for the best. Thanks for taking the time to reply

@lp5vut869c thanks so much. I’m going to suggest he does this and speaks to like minded people, I never know what to say

@5mvx1cd0qa I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have a supportive partner and was able to get on the right track.
The thing is he did the gamstop ban 3 years ago for 5 years so he’s still banned and this time he’s worked a way around it, all online.
Some of his relapses have been normal games like Fifa for example so not exactly gambling but he gets addicted and spends money we don’t have all the same. He just gets hooked to anything he does and he goes too far with everything. 
I’m hoping if he’ll come on these chatrooms and speaks to people, he’ll start to feel comfortable with going to therapy. 
thanks for taking the time to reply 

@lw9tnjzs3h thanks Candy.

Although I’ve not gave him money physically, our finances are joined so he is essentially putting us both in debt and taking money from our children. 

I’d like to think he wouldn’t start illegal activities but I know all too well how it escalates. 

I feel like I’m stuck, if I stay I’m a fool for putting up with it when I said last time it would be it, but if I leave I’m going to lose my home and the life I wanted. 
such a horrible mental illness that impacts so many more people than just the gambler 😔

thanks again for replying to me x