Devastated and alone

@gny64fi0pr 

Good morning,

Yes indeed. Not in a million years I would have thought that gambling addiction was that bad and affects everyone around the gambler and that irrationality comes with it. And realising that you don’t entirely know the person you thought you knew. Of course I understand that people want their relationship to work. However I have learnt that love is not enough for a long term one. Trust and respect are essential. 

There are two posts which I will highly  recommend you to read. I did find them extremely powerful and full of clarity and humanity (not only about gambling actually). Gamblers’ wives have written/commented on them.

‘ Ending my relationship’ (posted on 9th February 2020) and ‘ I don’t think things will ever change’ (posted on 28th August 2017): please do not panic by reading the titles! Read them. I learnt a lot by reading them. 

Candy xxx

Just in case of you are ‘scared’ because if the titles: Both posts have a mix of replies: wives questioning themselves, some who have decided to stay and some who have decided to leave. 

It also explains a lot about how ourselves can feel, be/becoming dysfunctional ourselves etc…

@lw9tnjzs3h 

Morning 🙂 
I will definitely have a read through, thank you for suggesting them. I really want to hear other perspectives from people who are in a similar situation to me. My friends just don’t understand it, obviously nothing against them but I do think unless you’ve been in this situation it’s hard to imagine everything it brings.
Thanks again x

@gny64fi0pr YES. I could not agree more! And quite frankly even with the best of the intentions people won’t know. We ourselves don’t know until we are in a situation (not only for gambling BTW). We can end up doing the exact opposite of what we thought we would have done. 

We all say ‘ I would do that /I would not have done that/ I am going to do that’. I was not really keen on forums before I discovered this one 🤣🤣🤣. And look I’m regularly on it.

Take care of yourself before everything. 

Hi

There is a friend's and family chatroom at 12 on Tuesdays on here and 6 to 8 on Thursdays. Also if you click the talk to someone button you can live chat or ring the advisors who are amazing 

@gny64fi0pr another thing i remembered at my local Ga a guy who was 12+ years bet free made a comment on finances he said its your job to give financal control even if he wanted to gamble he simply cant and their are times his wife has to do that bit extra maybe like shopping or if he needs to do she has has to transfer money into his account when he was taking like this me and few others thought he was quite extreme in his approach however said that for a lot of people this is the only method that will work and also with this addiction it simply not about the money even if their was no finanical implication a relapse is a relapse and shouldnt be taken lightly rather understanding how u could prevent it in the future from happening again

Hi @gny64fi0pr, 

I just wanted to say Thank you for sharing your story, it takes a lot of bravery to do this and, as you said, you have no family or friends to really talk to. It can be intimidating to talk about, but all the Gam Care team are here for you, and you have support to help you through this difficult time. 

What you are going through sounds exhausting! You probably feel deflated to help him clear the 50K debt only for him to then get into 20k debt within a week. When my partner relapsed, I felt like we had gone 2 steps forward, only to go 10 steps back. 

Your partner has a serious problem and the only person that can change it is himself. 

I can totally understand that you want to keep your family unit together and that you have young children, but the reality is he is an addict, and he may be in denial at just how serious it is. 

You can help be there for him and support him as much as you can, but if he doesn't turn his life around, things will get worse and cause more damage for everyone involved. 

I would highly recommend a woman's support group that I attended called WINGS through a charity called Break Even? They really helped me and were so supportive during, and after, I found out about my partner's addiction and when he relapsed. They also offer free individual and couples counselling, which was so helpful. Whatever you choose to do, you will need good support in place and I know it can be difficult, especially as you have 3 children, but prioritizing your needs and self-care is a good place to start. I can remember feeling like I was going mad when my partner would continue to lie to me about things and when he would make up excuses all the time relating to finances, bills being paid, money going missing etc that it felt like I was in some kind of Netflix series. The huge loss after a relapse along with his mountain of debt has stopped us in our tracks and, whilst we are still together, it has delayed us making any plans together for our future. 

Like any addiction, it is devastating for all involved and I can completely understand why people choose to walk away, but every person is different and everyone's story is different and everyones situation is different. 

I wish you all the best of luck. Keep talking, you have the support there and there will be people to help you through it.

Kind Regards, 

Jade

@gny64fi0pr I hope jades post above ia helpful. I didnt realise he already signed up to gamstop. That is incredibly difficult. The only thing i could suggest is some sort of intensive gambling addiction courses or something like that. Looks like you have been through so much and no doubt he has too with his immense addiction to this horrible gambling disease. It's a shame because it was eating me up so much, everyone I see and speak to say how much of of a nice man I am not a bad man but the gambling addiction was killing me inside, I just wanted the gamble fix whenever I had money. Also the poster above Jade made a good point about controlling his finances, I suppose it depends on the type of man he is and you have already been through so much. 

Hopefully something good csn come out of it but sounds like he might be beyond repair as previous posters have said.

Im so sorry. You do need to concentrate on yourself and do the right thing for your children. Easier said than done I know.... 

All the best! 

@lw9tnjzs3h exactly Candy, until we’re in it we don’t truly know. 
Same. I didn’t think I’d want to hear what people had to say about my disastrous relationship but here I am ha!
I also read both of those threads you suggested, very interesting to see multiple sides of the argument and how others feel about certain situations. Food for thought certainly 

Thanks again and take care x

@lp5vut869c thanks Stuart. I’m going to try and get on one of them 👍🏼

@pertwnj0u2 thank you so much for replying, Jade. I’m definitely going to give WINGS a go and the couples therapy is something I absolutely want to try too. I’m glad to hear you had a good experience with it, it’s really encouraging.

It 100% felt like 10 steps back for me too. And I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to overthink every conversation, every interaction we’ve ever had thinking was that a lie etc. 

I get so angry when he seems to be carrying on as normal and I’m heartbroken, I feel the resentment building in me every day. He’s used to hiding his emotions from months of hiding this and he’s just continuing it. 

I agree he is in denial with how serious his addiction is, he’s acknowledged he has a problem and that he needs to sort it but I get the feeling from him he thinks he’s in some control of it, which he absolutely is not.  

Does your partner communicate with you about it all? He’s so reluctant to open up but I just don’t understand why. We’ve been together nearly a decade, I can’t understand why he wouldn’t confide in me. 

thanks again, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences too x

@5mvx1cd0qa it definitely was.
I didn’t even know an intensive course was a thing, so that’s definitely something we’ll need to look into.
I can understand that. I see it in him, that’s how I always know when he’s relapsed, I can see it eating away at him with everything he does. Obviously now I’m doubting myself and overthinking every thought I’ve ever had. 
Do you think people can be beyond help, too far gone to change?

I know, the children are my priority. They’re only  young and they are shielded from it at the minute so I have a little bit of breathing space to decide what’s best for all of our futures.
All the best to you too  

@gny64fi0pr another thing to note yes things can change for the better even at the extreme end of the spectrum at my local GA their few people who did extreme damages one in particular close to a million pounds he nearly lost his wife and kids who was 12 years without a bet this guy attends 3-4 meetings a week and he tells his wife he has a Ga meeting when she forgets thats how dedicated these people so i always knew it was possible i dont believe in concidence but i do believe people can stop feeding the addiction and remain an addict however an addict cant continue on betting casually as i have been to few ga meeting ms and met quite a few people so it is possible

@tazman You’re absolutely right, a relapse is a relapse and should be taken seriously. Looking back, I don’t think he did and I stupidly just went along with what he was saying after I had confronted him. Suppose I didn’t want to deal with it as much as he didn’t. I’m just at a loss with him now, he doesn’t want help or to change. He’s carry on as normal, no effort being put in, no meetings, no reaching out to anyone. I’m drained. Thanks for replying, it’s good seeing things from the other perspective and hear stories from people who have done it!

Hi @gny64fi0pr, 

I can completely relate to the overthinking of every conversation/interaction. I used to journal my thoughts and the things that were happening in my phone notes just so I knew I wasn't going mad. To give an example of this, I asked him when I suspected he had relapsed. 'Have you taken out a credit card or tried to?' He said no, so I opened a letter which stated he had a new credit card and I documented the time, date etc., so I knew that the letter wasn't a lie, which in itself sounds mad because it was in black and white. Another time, he told me he was sending some money to a charity (he's not from the UK) because his country was donating due to a severe weather crisis they had, and he asked me for some money to donate to people back home who lost their homes and, of course, I did because I wanted to help.  (He never did donate anything it was money he gambled) All this stuff I wrote in my notes just to realize the situation for what it is and to see he was gaslighting me because of the situation he was in. 

It isn't easy staying with an addict in recovery, and they have to want to recover. No one can do it for them. 

Though we talk openly and always have very deep conversations, I fully know I will never be able to trust him with certain things (Finances being one of them!) and that's a boundary I have in place, and he knows that. 

If your partner is willing too, I really think couples counselling could be a way forward for you. But again, that's something you both have to agree on together, and it can't be one-sided.