Where to start? Been together 20.5 years. 3 children. 18,16 and 4. He was gambling when we first met, assured me it wasn’t an issue and as a 17 year old I knew no better. Fast forward to now, the penny has dropped. He has gambled throughout the entire relationship. I have always believed he has gone through bad periods when life has got difficult but now I see it has always been there. I’m ashamed I haven’t saw this. Stopped this. I feel sick at the money that has gone. I’ve believed every story, that the car has needed repairs, he has withdrawn cash and the envelope has dropped out his pocket on the way home. I’m so angry with myself. I’ve taken control of all money time and again, have full access to his bank acount and somehow he has regained access little by little, withdrew money and explained it away to me. I’ve been so consumed on making a career, to support our child who has attempted suicide twice, to support our other child who was in and out of hospital as a baby. The whole time he has been lying and gambling throughout. He has sworn he will change prior to Christmas when he blew over 7k in a week. Already this year I have caught him spending £250 on scratch cards, had a long chat, promised he won’t do it again. Less than 2 days later I come home unexpectedly after visiting family, he’s nowhere to be seen so I decide to go with my gut. Lo and behold he was in the bookies and am lucky the police were not called when I stormed in there. I cannot afford to behave in this way, this is sending me crazy. It is affecting the children. It is affecting my work. I can’t think straight. We live in the same home and I would kick him out today but he would be homeless. He has no family or friends and I feel utterly trapped. To make things worse he is a functioning alcoholic. He can’t get his own place as he is in an IVA through his gambling. Thankfully the house is in my sole name but I can’t continue like this. I just want someone to please tell me how to sort this.Â
Hi Oddestone
There are people on here who like yourself are affected by gambling harm and I do hope they help. I am in recovery as a compulsive gambler and he needs help for both of his addictions, but he would need to ask for it of course or it won't ever work. Gambling is an illness and can't be truly stopped without help and there is plenty out there. It overtook my brain for years and turned me into someone I wasn't until I gave upÂ
From your side and I am only replying because I feel for you and can hear your pain in your words, please click the button on the bottom right of the page to talk to someone. You can either ring the number 24/7 or text chat with them. They are amazing advisors and help with gambling harm others as well as gamblers trying to give up or cut down. They can offer you the support you need and help you reach out to organisations that can help you as well if you want further support and connection with others. There is also a chatroom on here for Family and Friends experiencing gambling harm which would help you. Its every tuesday from 12 until 1 or Thursday at 6 until 8.Â
I hope you manage to both get through this
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My absolute best wishes
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Stuart
Sorry you are going through so much turmoil.
You have to do what is best for you in this situation, your husband has his own demons to overcome on his own.
I hope you find the strength in yourself to overcome your situation, all the best 💕
Hi OddestoneÂ
we can’t unfortunately tell you what to do. We can offer some helpful advice and experience.
take a breath, turn your focus onto yourself. You come first.
from personal experience the cycle will stop once you stop. That may be stop doing all the things he can do. It might be paying his share. It might be cooking for him.Â
I went to Gamanon meetings, had gamcare counselling. He would come to meetings sometimes.
I think the change came because he could see I wasn’t going to continue listening to him and bailing him out.
the key is really to safeguard yourself. Protect your finances. I severed myself completely, tenants in common is what I did, so my half of house is mine.
credit checks to see what’s going on in your name and his
the addict is complacent and they continue bad behaviour (gambling, drinking) while their life continues to be unmanageable. The money is funding their lifestyle so the control of money is important. They behave like children if we continue to sort everything else out. They need to take responsibility for their actions.
I can’t say what the magic moment or any monumental thing that stopped the chaos.Â
You have both gambling and alcohol to deal with. How is he affording this?Â
look at enabling.Â
try and get some support.
Take back some control of money if you can. Stepchange are a charity to call for advice about debt.
good luckÂ
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