Hi all,
My partner has been a gambler our whole relationship. We have two young children together which I currently support single handed and always have done. We live at home with my mum and will do for the foreseeable future.
I've had four big confessions from him about his gambling. The first time was when I was pregnant with our first daughter I was at uni at the time and financing us all through my student loan. I guess i buried my head in the sand and was naieve to take his word that he would stop. We continued to get by me always resenting the fact he didn't help pay for our daughter and whenever money was raised I knew an argument would follow so I tried to prevent that. This time last year was a major confession with a break down and fully admitting he needed help we separated for a short while as a build up of no financial support, constant lies and him disappearing for hours took its toll on me mentally. I told him I would support him fully but needed my space, this was when he started to attend GA meetings. He seemed very positive and would enjoy telling me what happened at his meeting. This only lasted for a few weeks before the excuses came. Again I buried my head I just accepted his excuse and thought that things might start to change as he had taken a step forward initially. The next time was late last year when I was pregnant with our second child. This time I found out he is 50 grand in debt to his friend and upto his eyes in debt to pay day loans. My mum helped to bail him out by paying his pay day loans off. He started to let me have control of his finances and he set up a direct debit to pay his friend off a grand a month. I knew this would be challenging. Any hope of a future together would be put on hold but I was willing to accept that if it meant us being a family.
The latest is now. He was given a compensation pay out of 6 grand less than 4 weeks ago. He paid my mum back some of her money and the rest has gone. I can view his bank balance but haven't done since before Christmas. I thought that he had finally realised and I didn't think he was gambling as he had virtually no money to do it with. When the compensation came I told him we needed to go and put it in premium bonds or a joint account that I can control. He kept fobbing me off telling me he's looking into it. Yesterday he confessed to me he is depressed and seeking mental help. So today I knew I had to look at his bank balance to confirm what I guess I knew all along but didn't want to believe. 5 grand in less than 4 weeks. That was suppose to be the start of us building a future together, that was my little bit of hope that one day we might get out of my mums house. I feel so let down, disappointed hurt. I am only 23 trying to support two children and raise them single handed as he isn't even in a mind set to be a dad. It's so hard to walk away but I feel I am at that point. There is no prospect for our future, this isn't the life we had planned for our family. I get dragged down with him and I don't think I can put myself through this again. He says he is seeking medical advice and going to let his mum control his money. But I've heard it all before. I know it's a illness, but it's so hard for me to understand how he can walk into a shop and not register what he is about to do. He doesn't have a smart phone anymore as he had to sell that for money a few months ago. That's one blessing but they always find a way.
Hi
Sorry to see what you're going through. He doesn't want to fix this does he? If he did there are things he could do right now which would have an immediate effect on limiting his ability to gamble.
You are right when you say unaddressed this will drag you down with him. You can't stop him gambling but you can think very hard about what you and the children want and deserve. Put yourself and them first. All the time he's gambling you're the only one who will.
Hi bbakes
Wecome to the forum you will find alot of support here from others who understand what you are going through.
It sounds like you have put up with a lot of stress for a long time now, and I hope you will find some help here on the forum.
At this point it really sounds like you need to focus on yourself and your children and what it will take for you to be happy and peaceful. I can see in your post you've done your best to support him over the years, but your partner's recovery will ultimately be up to him, and how much he wants to stop gambling. There is always a way forward, but a lot of it depends on how determined a person is to quit. It is understandable that you feel like your trust for him has gone and you are doubting whether you can continue in the relationship as it is.
We'd be happy to speak with you about any of this, and give you some support if you need it. We can also refer you for free one to one counselling in some areas of the country giving you a safe and confidential space where you can explore these issues and get some clarity on what you want to do about your relationship.
You can speak to an adviser on our freephone number 0808 8020 133 or on the netline
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VBhpbfldXww
Please keep posting.
Take
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