Eventually seeing it for what it is

Hi Nomorelee, sorry to hear what you have been going through. My partner is also a GA & i have only recently found out, so i understand how you might be feeling. 

From what you have said, he hasn't ever really put in too much effort after these things have come out which must have been really hard for you if the trust had been broken. 

You said there's no signs he is gambling again, but he doesn't give you access to banking, so can you be sure of this? 

I have only found out about my husbands GA within the past 3 weeks & still very new (so he may well stop trying at some point) but he has given me full access to all bank accounts & is attending weekly meeting/ counselling sessions. Ultimately I resented & hated him when I found out, I couldn't understand how selfish to put our family through it & leave me with the burden of it all. I wasn't sure how I would ever not hate him, but when he sticks to those things it has helped me & each day has got slightly easier. 

You sound like you have been really unhappy with things at the minute. I think you need to have a long conversation with your partner, tell him exactly how you are feeling & why. If he cant offer any solutions to help you feel better or try to fix things the right thing to do might be to walk away, there's only so much you can do on your own & he needs to put in effort otherwise you will continue to resent him & it will make you miserable. 

You didnt mention if you had any help with the past relapses & being unfaithful, did you ever attend counselling? 

Hi Nomorolee

Im so sorry to hear your story. Im also a wife of a GA. He relapsed 4 yrs ago.I only found out 2 years ago and it has been an emotional rollercoaster. Reading your post i can relate to all that you say. Little effort made to change, draining the life out of me, manipulating women, borrowingfrom family.  And lies and lies. 2months ago he had a major relapse resulting in over 150k in debt. Each and every time he got help with his debt or someone paid it, he just slips up again.  We have lost our home and car, currently living at the mercy of handouts.

Last week he gave me a bank statement and i thought we were making progress. Last night i found out hes been gambling all this time. He had somehow changed the reference names on bank statement to resemble paying debt when it was actually online gambling.  Perhaps i knew in my gut it was all lies but i wanted to believe its getting better.

So from being halfway out of debt, we are twice as deep into it. He has gambled away over 50k in over a week whilst i try to make ends meet at home. I have been in tears since last night, torn between leaving because wow its all just too much, feels like im carrying him through but he makes minimal effort and sticking around again to try and help him. Last night he told me that i shouldn't make it about me. 

Reading your post breaks my heart, you deserve to be happy, and i hope you find that happiness.

I cannot speak for others but i cannot endure it anymore. I too am afraid that if i leave he will spiral completely out of control as has happened everytime i took a "break". In the same breath, its utter torture. For months he had me believe he was getting better. 

Please, whatever you decide to do, prioritise yourself and your well being  first🤍

You have sacrificed enough of yourself 

Best wishes

Fellow wife 

Hi, I think you probably deep down know the answer as to what you must do , but you hope that there is a different one. Only you can decide what action to take (or not). 

I've not been on this site in years but occasionally visit it as I still find it helpful . 

my ex partner was a gambling addict and made life sheer , utter misery. I wish I had ended it sooner . I don't know if he was unfaithful but he frequently accused me of cheating (I never did) , whether that was deflecting from his own infidelity or because of a lack of self-worth because of his gambling addiction, I don't know and now , really don't care. All I know is that the pattern of his behaviour is very similar to what you describe, as it's the pattern of behaviour for many, if not all addicts who are actively continuing with their addiction  . He never made any real effort to stop gambling , only when he thought he might lose me did he make a brief effort but always reverted back , within a week or 2 at most . 
I gave him chance after chance and put my own well being before my own. It's not just the devastating loss of money , it's the endless lies and living on a knife edge that is horrendous and causes the most unbearable stress and unhappiness. I had ended up taking responsibility for his actions, bailing him out endlessly to my own financial detriment (he stole from his employer, owed people £ etc etc). 

You become so enmeshed in trying to save this person because there is the part of you that still cares about them and you hope that this will then cause them to change, they will get help they need and put their all into recovering from their addiction. All the while you live an unhappy life for the most part because it's a rollercoaster of emotions , stress, hurt, (false) promises , hope , brief "happiness" then hurt again. That is not a healthy, normal  relationship . You are sacrificing your own personal happiness and wellbeing . 

I knew I could not continue living my life with someone who ultimately always put himself first and whose  behaviour was harming me .  I ended it 9 years ago (having already  split up twice before but foolishly believed he was committed to helping himself )  and he still continued to contact me and tried the emotional blackmail etc . I ended up contacting the police . Even then he tried contacting me at work . I blocked him from everything . He still believed I was somehow responsible for him - active  addicts never take responsibility for themselves . 

The sheer relief of never seeing this individual again is immeasurable . Peace of mind is what everyone should have.  Life is hard enough without allowing someone else's damaging behaviour to harm you. Whilst you are assuming responsibility for a grown man who has an addictive addiction, who never has any real intention of helping himself  who is taking care of you? 

I don't know you of course but it sounds like your relationship is very much like mine was , so one sided - what positives  are you getting out of it?  life is too short to be unhappy and the only person ultimately who can take positive action to achieve that , is you. 

i wish you well and hope you take the necessary steps that will help you achieve happiness and peace of mind .