Feeling alone and foolish

Good morning,

I’m sorry to hear about your story. Others will reply as well.

I highly recommend you and I’m also going to add it on the previous post I replied to yesterday, ‘Women who love too much’ by Robin Norwood. It was mentioned in an old post on this forum. This could help I reckon. I will just add ‘NEVER’ bail out a gambler. I hope others will post with more detailed replies.

Keep strong. If it is having an impact on your mental health, perhaps see a therapist and carefully think of what you are expecting for YOUR future not his.

Candy xxx

Hello there sorry to haer of your pain. If i culd say their is a massive difference between Kindness and Foolishness, all my life i thoughtbeing kind was good, i didnt admit to myself I had no respect for myself and confused kindness with foolishness.They are both two different things.I look back a realise i don't regret being kind to others but i do resent the times i was amug and very foolish. Getting to the point be Kind but never be a fool, being a fool some but not all people will traet you more like a object than a person who has Rights .

Best wishes 

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through the truth is only you can make a decision their no right or wrong answer its the same with normal couples who separate for no obvious reasons their no right or wrong answer 

Hi DLW34

im the wife of a compulsive gambler 

it’s very difficult to see clearly when you are caught up in the drama 

I thankfully didn’t take any debt in my name but I did help repay debts

its called enabling

you are no fool, we are programmed to expect good things from our partners. We don’t expect lies, we don’t expect them to repeat. We have no clue initially what a compulsive gambler is!

this will never end until he takes responsibility 

I would call stepchange or the national dept helpline and get some advice. Be honest tell them exactly what the money was for. They may have advice on how to contact debt company or offer a way to reduce the payments 

going forward don’t pay for anything that is his responsibility 

don’t keep secrets, he may very well have borrowed from others, they need to know not to lend money to him 

get help, get support 

you can call gamcare and talk to someone 

you can find a meeting 

you can seek counselling 

I did all those things, the best for me was real support at a Gamanon meeting 

the things I did to help were look after me

i took control of money

 I didn’t believe anything he said unless I could see it

total transparency 

you can put gambling blocks on devices 

nothing joint, no joint bank account 

remember once you clear their debt their credit rating improves, they can borrow more. Plus it sets them free, they can carry on

action is needed now, this won’t improve overnight but you can’t wait for him to change. You need to take control.

i hope this helps, think about what you want long term.

ask lots of questions here, good luck 

Hi DLW34, 

I just wanted to start by saying you have come to the right place. There are a lot of people on here that will have been in a similar situation to you and GamCare are always there to listen. 

I can relate to you a lot because when I discovered my partner's addiction, we were 18 months into the relationship and had been living together for about 7 months at the time. He, too, had been in and out of work. First he lost one job and then left another for something else, and then the place he worked closed down, so he was out of work again for a few months. I had to pay for a lot of things and there were plenty of times he borrowed money from me which all added up over time. I felt like a walking wallet! Especially being the main provider with a stable job and financially very independent. 

I can remember feeling so trapped because even though we weren't married, didn't have any kids or a mortgage, when you live with someone you are still kind of tied to them even if it is under a rental contract. I'm not sure about your living situation, but I would do everything I can to protect myself financially and stop bailing him out. Depending on how much he owes you, you must find a way to get that money back or at least set up some kind of plan in place for it to be paid back. 

I would highly recommend talking to someone about your situation, maybe getting advice about the debt, but also speaking to people who have been in a similar situation. I joined a support group called WINGS set up by a charity called Break Even, and it was a huge support for me and made me feel less alone when I was in a terrible way. 

Don't suffer in silence, talk to someone, try and get some sort of plan in place and prioritize self-care! 

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. 

Kind Regards, 

Jade