Just found out husband is gambler

Good evening Edith, 

As I was the last one to reply on a previous post I saw yours.

It echoes what I have posted (multiple times) about addictions and trauma.

I don’t think anyone is in a position to tell what you need to do. I will expect women who were married to gamblers etc… to be more able than me to give advice but not giving you ‘impartial advice’ as YOU and ONLY you can decide/know. My experience with a gambler did not reach that level but it still haunts me a little bit. 

It seems to be quite fresh. What is your husband going to do once out to tackle the addiction? What are you planning to do to cope with it? Remember not to loose yourself in empathy and compassion.

I will also empathise (like in my last reply) that money brings stability and that it is something important when married. Actually I came to realise that irresponsible people with finance very often have had/have traumas/mental health issues. 

I think you must trust your gut. Monitor the progress your husband will make. Actions not words. See how much effort he puts into it. No excuse. At all. 

I would suggest that if not in debt and if actions are taken it could be worth trying. Also you need to have absolute control of the money. Monitor, monitor, keep monitoring. Have you done credit check yet? And remember this is for ever. Relapses are frequent. Did you ever notice mood swings? 

Candy xxx

Hi Edith, 

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds like a really difficult situation, and you probably have your emotions all over the place from the shock of finding out and the situation with your husband being in prison. 

I found out 18 months into my relationship with my partner that he had a gambling addiction. He said he had previously had a problem gambling but that he had dealt with it and wasn't able to gamble (None of that was true he continued gambling) and I remember feeling like such an idiot that I didn't know because there were a lot of signs there. 

I also remember how emotionally draining and exhausting it was when he relapsed. I was so confused about what to do or whether to leave him, but ultimately, it is your decision, and only you can make that choice. 

I second what Candy has replied on here and agree that you need to think about what your husband is going to do to tackle the addiction and how you are going to protect yourself. 

I am currently still with my partner after almost 3 years, but it hasn't been an easy ride, and we don't have the 'normal' future I had hoped we would, i.e. buying a place together, getting married, having kids etc. all of that has been put on the back burner as a result of his debts/financial mess/limited prospects/bad credit score/no financial security etc. so it's also important to think about the kind of life you want for yourself and whether you can still live the life you want to live still being with him. 

I also strongly recommend a support group I became part of called WINGS. It was through Breakeven, a charity that helps support both gamblers and those affected by gambling. 

I wish you all the best of luck with whatever decision you make and remember you aren't alone! 

Kind Regards, 

Jade

Dear Edith and Jade,

First I’m so glad that Jade posted, it took words out of my mouth: Marriage is about preparing a future with another half and you must be sure it is aiming the same direction. Jade mentioned that owning a house, having kids is not something which is going to happen DUE to her partner’s gambling.

So Edith think of what you are expecting on a long run. ‘Women who love too much’ by Robin Norwood is a very good guidance. Read it after someone on this forum mentioned it. And think carefully about how it impacts you. 

Candy xxx

Hi Jade and Candy. 

thank you for replying. It’s been near 4 weeks since he was sent to prison. Everytime I get a handle on the situation, something else is brought to light. 

I think I could have handled the gambling and addiction if it hadn’t come with the crime. We both have teen and grown up kids so I’m alone a lot. (I’m not going to stop them from living their lives). I own the house outright and did before we met so that’s not on the line. 

My heart says we can weather the storm and survive. My head says get rid and start again. 

he has had childhood trauma and military trauma. He’s also got a limited life expectancy after 2 rounds of cancer and several chronic illnesses. So he’s used this as a crutch. 

my parents have alluded to not talking to me again if I stay with him. I am no quitter though. 

im all over the place at the moment. 

thank you for your messages xx

@dwxv908ke7 

Good evening Edith,

Oh gosh I could go on and on about this post. I hear myself a while ago:’ He has had childhood trauma/something else is brought to light/my head says…….and start again’.

Your parents are probably trying to protect you . 

Edith, in brief I would suggest that you must see how it goes with YOURSELF. In YOUR head. Don’t stay too long if you feel low/anxious/moody and see that it is a lost battle. I wish I have had listened to myself as I felt something really wrong the first time he asked for a small amount of money. 

I would never have thought that getting involved with a gambling addict could be that bad. And once again my experience was not near yours. I remember him telling me ‘ Fortunately we never really ended up together as I would have spoiled your life’. I realise that it was accurate I would have been ‘demolished’ when I read everything on this forum. 

It is too new. I don’t even know if it is the right time to start talking to him while he is in jail. Perhaps yes perhaps no.

Good luck and lots of love. I feel for you. 

Candy xxx

Hi Edith and Candy,

Edith. It is a lot for you to handle, so I can understand why you have conflicting ideas about what to do. Despite my partner not being in prison, I can definitely relate to that emotional struggle of my head telling me one thing and my heart telling me another. When you've built a life with someone it is very difficult to walk away. 

I agree with Candy that your parents probably want to protect you, but it is ultimately your choice and your life, whatever you choose. 

I would suggest taking some time out to really have some time to think and prioritize your self-care. Sometimes, when you have a lot of alone time, it can make you overthink in an unhelpful way. 

And Candy, I second what you say about never realizing how bad it could be to be with someone with this addiction. It's a hard choice to make about whether you should stay because there will be repercussions either way. 

I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make. 

Kind Regards, 

Jade 

Dear Edith (and Jade),

Doing my monthly visit on the forum!

Edith, something came up to my mind. If you decide to stay with your husband be very very very wary of not staying because of your own insecurities or because you are codependent. I do not know you and therefore won’t be able to comment further however from searches, podcasts etc which I have listened to and my own life experience we tend to stay in relationship, knowing that they are not healthy, because of our own insecurities or codependency. Or because we think that we have been knowing some people for so long, disrespect is ‘more’ acceptable. Also your husband will have to show gratefulness towards you for copying (if you stay). Not thinking it is ‘normal after all we are married.’

I feel a bit bad writing such a post knowing he had two cancers. But don’t we all have our own wellbeing to think about and past traumas to deal with? 

candy xxx

I am late to join this chat - just realised my husband is a gambler too. there are recurring patterns and he doesn't change. I am just coping with this and try not to be affected by this and focus on myself. 

Everyone's situation is different. I'd say assess the situation and indeed trust your gut. I am doing the same for myself.

Hi @Christina, 

Thanks for joining the forum, I hope you find it a useful space and I'm glad to hear you are trying to focus on and look after yourself in a difficult situation.

Just to let you know we are open 24/7 on the helpline if you wanted to discuss what has been going on for you and further help and support for yourself.

Best wishes,

Phoebe

Forum Admin

@tvosg6wzrd 

Good evening Christina,

Welcome. Perhaps you should start your own post (if you feel like). I think people will then make suggestions etc…You might not want to. 

Candy xxx

@forum-admin Thank you Phoebe 😊

@lw9tnjzs3h Hi Candy, thanks for your reply ☺️ it’s nice to have someone to talk to.

I thought about having my own post but I’ll take some time to write and I found this posts situation is similar enough 😒 

might jump on the chat rooms - although sometimes I just want to leave it and forget about it..

@tvosg6wzrd 

This is great! Yes we learn a lot by just reading other people’s posts on this forum.

I strongly recommend two of them on this forum (do not panic when you read the titles!): ‘Ending my relationship’ posted on 9th February 2020 and ‘I don’t think things will ever change’ posted on 28th August 2017. I still read them occasionally. Learnt a lot by reading them (and not only about gambling). 

I wish you good luck and take care of yourself first as you seem to already know 😉.

Candy xxx

@lw9tnjzs3h Thank you Candy!! I will read them ☺️