I'm so sorry I'm going to ramble here I just need to get it off my chest. I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year but have known him three. When we first met three years ago, one of the first things he told me was about his gambling addiction and I knew he needed someone to talk to. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance, after about 6 months I found out that he had gambled some of my money and I showed him the door straight away and did not see him for a year, I pretty much broke his heart. Eventually I gave him a second chance.
We were really happy until Christmas just gone. He'd lost his job and granted at first I was being a terrible nag about it as again he was having to borrow money from me, but I soon gave my head a shake as I could see how hard he was working to get employment. But then he started being distant with me, sometimes just plain rude, the complete opposite to the man I had fallen in love. I asked him if he'd gambled and he told me no. I asked if he'd cheated and he was shocked, and I know deep down he would never ever do that but I couldn't think of anything else if he hadn't been gambling. He had received a tax rebate and told me he had paid two months rent straight out of it, then when his housing benefit came through he would live off that but at least his rent was sorted. I thought this was a good idea. I found out not long later that he had beat the c**P out of one of his friends and I knew something had to be going on. It turned out he had gambled all of his housing benefit and when he planned to pay his rent out of the rebate had ended up gambling that too, his friend had found out and told the guy he lived with which obviously caused massive arguments. It took me ages to get this information out of him chipping away bit by bit, I'd never really considered to severity of his gambling, to be honest I didn't really take it serious because he's only 25 and me 22, it just didn't seem something that would happen at our age.
Since then he has made very effort to stop. He has been really open and honest and I can tell genuinely wants help, he's told me about times he has gambled all his money and then just sat in the car and cried not understanding why he has done it. He went out and got himself a really promising full-time job with prospects and is doing well, he gets paid weekly and together weekly we have a finance sheet and we make a brief outline of how he could budget the money, save for rent and our holiday etc. Its not set in stone but it gives him a realistic idea of what there is to spend as sometimes he thinks money is never ending. He has a standing order to my account every week where he put savings for our holiday and his rent so that he doesn't have to juggle larger sums of money at once. We have chats on a Sunday, we were finding ourselves talking about the same things over and over every day and so decided that we would have Sundays to get all our concerns out and then be able to enjoy eachother for the rest of the week without the weights on our mind. He also sees a GamCare counsellor weekly which he is finding beneficial. We have also been to the local bookies in both our areas and self-excluded him, he is also very honest when he will be going to another town/city and if possible we go and ban him together. He is really trying.
BUT... I can't get passed the lies. I've been compulsively lied to before and this was a whole other level for me. I've read other stories on here and just think I don't have it half as bad as some of you guys. I'm a career driven young woman from a working class family. I have scrimped and saved for every penny I have and everything I own. I'm very proud of my acheivements so far and a going on to even further education through hard saving. Sometimes I just can't understand how he sees the world, his view of money makes no sense and I just get sick of having to help him see another point of view. Im sick of feeling like and looking like a B*tch in this relationship. I work as a support worker and feel as though I come home and I'm still working. I don't know if I will ever fully forgive him and ever fully trust him. He's the most lovely, kind man I've ever met but when the gambler is unleashed he can be the most hurtful selfish a**e I've ever known and I don't think he really likes that I can hold my own. I've told him that as long as I can see his best efforts I'll stay but I'm not sure if I can keep that promise. One thing I hate is liars and I look at him now and get really irate and worked up even if we haven't been arguing, I love him and I just want to leave it behind. Sometimes he doesn't help, for example he had a plan to start buying phones for cheap and then potentially selling them off for more money, when I asked if this is potentially a reinforcer for his gambling as he is buying something to only maybe make more money off it he tried to defend the idea and could literally not see my point of view. This morning he said something about having access to his saving because he would put it back on pay day and I just flipped my lid asking if he really thought he was just miraculously cured already. It's his money and he can do what he wants but everything in place we've come to together. I'm a realist and I set myself limitiations, like if he had not seen a a counsellor I was gone, if I didn't see him save for our holiday I was gone and he has done everything asked of him, I just can't seem to get a dam grip on my emotions, because in terms of finances I don't trust him as far as I could throw him. He wants to move in together and I've told him no, and I would never ever consider marrying him as I don't want to be liable for any debts so is there really a long term future for us anyway?
I absolutley adore the man but just can't stop wanting to shout and scream and stomp my feet despite his best efforts. I'm really hoping someone has a nice little story for me where it does get better, that trust can be regained, I do forgive him but I just never bloody forget anything!! I really just want to get passed this because without the gambling he is literally my ideal man. Help!
Hi Vikki,
My husband is a bad gambler, he has stopped for 3 weeks so far. He has stopped in the past and he is great and we get along amazing but this time around we can't seem to get back to how we were, it does get harder. I'm not bitter or resentful anymore but when he does it I can honestly say I do hate him! He's let me down time and again and im on eggshells waiting for the next time. They have to want help and definitely seek a councillor. This time around my husband doesn't have one....yet. It is a very difficult position we are put in and our hearts rule our head.
Pangolin has managed very well to be happy with her husband as I'm sure she'd be happy to tell you. I hope one day me and my husband can be like that. You have to support him and give him reassurance that you love him even if it is hard. You both have to be trying for it to work or it will just fall apart. I wish you all the best in the future and I hope it can work if you do decide to try. I wish I could offer more advice but im in the same position. Good luck!!
Gem x
Hi Vikki
I am a recovering CG.
As gamblers we will lie, cheat, steal, pawn anything, and sell anything to gamble....without thought of the consequences. You are right to be wary of him wanting access to money. keep your finances distant to his.
As a gambler I stole money from my sister. 🙁
It took 4 years for me to pay that money back. I have been attending GA for about 7 years now. I had a bust that lasted for 6 months about 4 years ago but have been clean since then. From the first day I attended GA I have had someone monitoring my accounts. This is my safety net. If they see unusual withdrawals they will know that I am back on the punt.
My sister and brother both trust me now in anything and everything and we get along very well...EXCEPT they will always be aware of my gambling side. I could never ask or obtain a loan from either of them, and rightly so. I was a very good liar and I am sure I could still tell a good story if the need arose.
I have often wondered in my situation if the postions were reversed and my sister was the gambler and she had stolen from me would I be so forgiving. I truly do not know the answer.
I have been very honest and open about my gambling. Anything they wanted to know I disclosed to them. Only with honesty will the trust be regained. Only with genuine attempts at recovery will I regain any respect or self esteem.
Being a partner of a gambler is closer to the core of the problem. As GemLou has said, there are people who have rekindled their love for the gambling partner, albeit with some restrictions. I think you have every right to be able to check his accounts without any objections on his part.
The lies and the hurt and anger you feel now will probably ease with time and his continued recovery. Whether or not you can forgive I do not know. To have a chance at the relationship I think you would have to be willing to at least try to forgive. Give yourself a bit of time to see how things go. If you are still struggling after a short period, then I would suggest you may well be better off ending the relationship. You have every right to a happy life, so do not feel obligated to him.It is always going to be your choice.
If he continues to gamble however, then I would say 'run like hell'. Don't waste your life on a gambler, we are not worth it.
Best wishes
Wal speaks so much sense here, I could not give any better advice
I do have a happy story, though for a long while it was an awful one and i didnt know if I could ever forgive. Truth is I probably havent, but we are very happy together at the moment because his recovery has enabled him to salvage our life together and he works hard at it. I made myself happy, I made myself financially secure (secure from him anyway), i control every penny that comes into and out of our home. The money is easy. Coping with all the lies took me longer, i struggled with it, but i managed to put it in the past and move forward, I trust mr P with my life, with everything, but not bank cards.
Really i just looked after myself and learned to be happy independently of what mr P was or wasnt doing, and as a happy person, i have some room for some love again and mr P very much wants that too. Gam anon meetings was where i realised that love and trust are seperate things, my love for mr P does not make him trustworthy, although most of us grow up to think that that is how it works, equally withdrawing my trust will not make him behave, he is what he is and my feelings dont change that. So I am just left with i love him and he loves me. He is a gambler, so we will arrange our lives so he cannot gamble, which means i dont trust him with money.
I have shouted abd screamed and stomped my feet, but I have a calmer way of doing things now, where i used to bottle things up, i speak my mind, so the frustration doesnt build up.
I do recommend a gam anon meeting if you can get to one, get this stuff off your chest with some unshockable people, who know exactly how it feels.
keep talking
Hi Vikki
i really understand some of what you are saying about coming home and feeling like you are still working. I love my boyfriend to pieces but struggle with feeling like his mother/counsellor instead of his girlfriend, his equal. Pangolin is great for giving those like us faith that there can be a happy ending with time. At the moment though i go between wanting my bf to hug me and tell me it will be ok, and wringing his neck and calling him stupid. I am beginning to understand that this is part of the process, and that our partners need to understand that it is actually not all about them - the world they go into when gambling involves nobody but them and the win, and coming out and away from that takes some time i suppose.
Very true. So you know your behaviour is not unreasonable at all, its a perfectly normal response.
So be kind to yourself, you've done nothing wrong, in fact you deserve some rewards. At first, we had no money, so my reward to myself was to have a hot chocolate before bed, yes even a £3 tub of hot chocolate a week just for me felt extravagant and indulgent back then.
I iwsh I had a quick quote to sum this up, but the gist of it is, that we are all just animals and we respond to our environments, harsh experiences make nervous and unpredictable animals, gentleness and love make us loyal and loving too. The trick is to stop thinking about his happiness, or yours, to see beyond all the emotions that are happening now and create the conditions for gentleness to flourish in the future, you only need to take tiny steps, but take them every day and you will be there before you know it. My first step with mr P was just a smile, a bit forced on day one, but it gave a moment of hope, which made him try to approach and help me, which gave me something to smile about... you rebuild, and you want to rebuild something that is stronger and more stable than before, so take your time and keep talking
Thank you guys. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. He came clean about a load of things I wasn't expecting, like he'd gotten a credit card. I've told him he'll have to pay it off himself but he's given me the card. I believe he isn't gambling now, I'm not angry anymore but everytime I feel okay I remember the lies and feel humiliated and get upset. We have a holiday in a couple of weeks and he has saved really well and I'm happy, I think a week away from the stress could be really helpful.
Could you guys tell me a bit more about the gam anon meetings? Every one we have found has been quite religious which really isn't for us/him? Any suggestions? Thank you so much seeing different perspectives is really helpful.
I've also asked to see bank statements, even if just one monthly, he has said of corse. I feel some relief from that 🙂
Hi Vikki
I am either agnostic and atheist. I haven't decided which 🙂
We do have a couple of church-goers at our meetings, but the majority would be like me, agnostic or atheist.
Gamanon is simply a fellowship of the family and friends of a gambler. GA is a fellowship of recovering gamblers. I have been attending GA for approx. 7 years now, and I can assure you that neither GA or Gamanon has any religious leanings. If GA was religious, I would have a great deal of trouble.
If you are worried about phrases like "higher power", perhaps you could ask your fellow members what they perceive their 'higher power' to be. For me, I think of my 'higher power' as being my home group meeting of GA. The fellowship in that meeting provides me with the support that I need. The 'faith' I have in my fellow recovering gamblers to aid me in my recovery is very important.
Go along with an open mind and be willing to ask questions. The knowledge and understanding you will receive from these meetings will be invaluable to the gambler and his / her family.
Take care
Wall just said everything I was going to say.
OK so the literature was written in 1950s america, i think an update would be good sometimes, but i always come back to the prgram being fine as it is, it works. All you need is some opennness to getting help, i have heard a million reasons from gamblers why GA meetings are not for them and "its too religious" is there in the top 5, along with, " i have nothing in common with those people" and other rubbish.
Fact remains that when gamblers, alcoholics etc want to help themselves, th 12 step program works and they have no qualms about getting to grips with ideas like 'higher power' because they want it to work.
my idea of a higher power is "what goes around comes around", theres no god figure involved, just a belief that what i do comes back to me somehow, this fits in just fine
if he wants it to work, this is an easy hiccup to overcome, he just needs to talk, he wont be alone with those questions.
think about a gam anon meeting, the one for family and friends of gamblers, for yourself too, this stuff does hurt, thats unavoidable, but a place where you can get it all off your chest has been incredibly helpful for me
keep talking
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
