I find myself back here after almost two years, which is when i first discovered my boyfriends gambling addiction as he confessed it to me and was in heaps of debt with payday loan comapnies. Fast forward to last week, and we had rebuilt our relationship, moved to a new area (where he is from and has family, I am completely alone and 120 miles from my family, I am incredibly shy and self concious and struggle to talk to new people) and are both in good jobs.
Last weekend, he was extra attentive and kind, buying me presents and asking about going away for a weekend, his treat. I have a very good idea of his exact income - he is self employed - and instantly panic struck as i wondered how he was affording this and why he was being so nice. So, i did the thing i never thought i would do and went on his phone when he was in the shower.
I discovered, via texts to his friend, that two weeks ago he gambled 1k across the space of a couple of days and now was overdrawn and unable to give me money for our shared account to pay rent and bills, so was asking for a loan. His friend convinced him not to tell me, as my bf was worried that i would leave him, and it had been left at that.
I left it a day or so before i brought it up, and then asked him something about money, and he told me an outright lie, so i admitted i knew. I said to him the first time that i would not stand for it again, especially as we didnt live together when i first found out and now we do.
Since then, he has contacted Gamcare and had his first counselling session last night. I am, reluctantly, having some too when there becomes space.
My problem is I really do love him, but my respect for him has vanished, and he gave me his bank cards so i can control his finances which i know is great but I feel like his parent, not his girlfriend. I can't even look at him sometimes without feeling a stab of betrayal or burning resentment for making me feel like this again. I asked him why i wasn't enough to stop him from putting us through this again, and i know everyone bangs out the whole addiction stuff and i don't mean to be disrespectful but for us who are let down by people the pain is unbelievable and its near impossible to take it personal and wonder why they dont love, care and respect you in the same way you do them - i put him first in everything, which is why i live so far away from home in a place i don't like and have nobody. I feel worthless, and am still in two minds about wether to support him or just be by myself. I can't picture my life without him, but i can't picture a relationship with no balance or trust. I am so angry, i can't sleep and can't focus. I want to talk to my best friend about it, but he is my best friend.
What do i do?
Hiaimez23
I am a recovering CG.
A CG when he is in action cares only about the next bet. His next fix. We lie, deceive, steal etc. We are not very nice people.
He has taken some good steps. Handing over financial control and going to counselling. I would also recommend GA if he hasn't already thought of it. This is a tough addiction to beat and he will need all the support he can get. If he is serious about quitting gambling he can, but if he is only trying to placate you, he has no chance. He has to really want to stop!
I would endorse the counselling that you are thinking about. It will help you enormously. Is there a Gamanon meeting nearby that you can get to?
Through this addiction, people have lost houses, businesses, wives, husbands and some have been sent to prison. If he treats it with the respect it deserves, and applies himself, he has a chance at a very good life.
Take care
Thank you wal1957. He did well with the counselling the first time round, but then i have lost confidence in that because of it worked then i wouldnt be here again.
I think he does want the help, but my concern is that our relationship is too damaged to move on from. A lot of the stories i have read on here are from despairing partners who are back to square one after 2,3,4 relapses and i don't think i could cope again. I feel that i am perhaps alone in feeling such resentment towards him and lacking any understanding or sympathy towards his situation, his family have been through this more times than me and they made it very clear that they will have nothing to do with him if it happened again, so i am the only one who knows.
I am desperately worried for him and his mental health, but also too angry to be able to show him any affection and we are spending a lot of time in silence as neither one knows what to say.
Hi aimez23,
I know it's no consolation but I do know exactly how you feel. I struggle too with being sympathetic with my husband when he has left us both in such deep debt and lied to me for years. I'm still really angry and resentful but I think my inability to move forward is down to him still firmly being in denial. Your partner does seem to be taking positive steps so that's great.
But i do understand your feeling of being the mother, the lack of respect, the damage being too much to recover from. It's still very raw for you this time around. But I think once this gets hold of people they have to fight against it always. Was this just a blip, a brief relapse?
What I don't get is why does my husband not WANT to stop? Why would he rather keep the gambling and loose his family?
I really feel for you. I know how much it hurts.
Hi Katiecola
It must be so difficult when they are in denial, i haven't experienced that with my bf as he really does seem to want to get over it. It was a relapse, he had been almost 20 months without a bet and was even acting as support to one of his other friends who had got into a terrible situation with problem gambling, so it has been a very hard fall from grace and he himself is struggling to deal with what he has done. I am so thankful for this forum, as while he needs help and time to move on, i do too and he isnt able to give me this while he is sorting his own problems. Again, this makes me resentful as i feel i am innocent in all of this and have offered nothing but support, and now that i need it he can't give me it. I understand that sorting his own problem is priority but that doesn't really help me and nor does it help our relationship. I have asked him that once he finishes his 12 weeks with gamcare that he starts attending GA at least twice a month, just as a reminder that despite doing well, he still has a problem that has to be treated with intense control, as in my mind i think he maybe felt that he was in control after 20 months and that a football bet would be ok (he got hooked on the FOTB things, roulette - i am a novice and have only ever been in the bookies when helping him self exclude so quite ignorant to it all!) but unfortunately it led to a very very slippery slope which he fell to the bottom of.
I feel lucky that he is getting help and wants to move forward, everyone on here as family and friends are here because we love and care about the people causing us this pain, and everyone on here deserves happiness and security in their families. Thank you for your reply, it is nice to have people to speak to even with different experiences. We are not alone 🙂
I know that resentment and i didnt know how i could get over it either.
The trust issue is something gam anon really helped me with, separating out trust from love is essential, we dont live in a disney film, our love for someone does not make them trustworthy, they have got it or they havent, our feelings for them will not change them, they are what they are and we arent put on this earth to save them, cant be done.
I do, now, love and trust mr P, we are more in love than ever really, I trust him with my life, the kids lives, the house, the sporty heroics our weekends revolve round, i trust him with everything, but not the bank cards, thats just how it is, no one thiks we are unbearably weird for doing that, most people dont know.
GA has been brilliant for Mr P, gam anon the same for me. I resisted counselling at first, there was nothing wrong with me in my mind, but then i got my head round the fact i was dealing with an abnormal situation and, being normal, i wasnt really equipped for it, so i started learning, at first i just wanted a new life for myself where this would never happen again, but after a while listening to others peoples experiences and tips, i found a new way of coping with mr P and began to love him for what he was rather than resenting all the things he wasnt.
There is a definite period of grief when you let go of what you thought life would be and start seeing it for what it has become, i think every teardrop is necessary, its not our fault, its not fair and it really fffffff hurts.
But there is a time to come where you can think again, there is no going back to how we were, and none of us want that, but as the lovely saying goes, "everything is always alright in the end, and if its not alright, then its not the end". give yourself time, make your life nice, you dont have to decide your whole future and all the feelings you will have in it today, you can just decide what to do with today and take it one day at a time. Keep talking....
Hi aimez23
I have just started counselling for myself and wish I had done it a long time ago. I thought how can talking fix this but it does help, I feel a whole lot better. Ive found that learning as much as I can while talking to everyone here and my counsellor are a huge help, I highly recommend you do both.
If your boyfriend is trying to help himself thats a huge step in the right direction, hes just got do everything possible to make sure he carries that out consistently.
Pangolin is a very wise lady and always seems to able to put things a lot better than I can and is proof that you can go on to have a happy healthy relationship.
Learn as much as you can, from other people including recovering gamblers, read wal1957 ,ODAAT's and duncanmac, posts, seeing things from their side helps us.
If you both do everything you can to help him and yourself Im sure you can go on to have a great life together.
Best wishes
Thank you for both your comments, sorry it has taken me time to reply i have not been on for a few days. I have to wait a while before i start my counselling, but i will certainely give it a try as so many people on here mention how helpful it is, and it is so reassuring to see that i am not alone in how i feel.
My bf has started his counselling, and i must admit i am a little disheartened as he came home last night saying that his counsellor says he is very stressed (arent we all) and that the cause of the stress is mainly me and our relationship!!! We have moved and i have found it hard to settle, first time not living with parents and over 2 hours away from them, but i have made our home lovely, and i thought we had a relatively good, healthy relationship so a bit of a blow to discover this. We spend a lot of time together, talk openly and have the odd tiff but nothing major and i actually thought that we worked well living together. Bit annoyed that it has been implied that he gambles as an escape from his stress (ie me), especially as i supported him financially and emotionally through his last gambling blowout and took him to counselling every week over an hour away as he didnt drive, despite studying for my degree and working full time i never grumbled so am struggling to see how i cause him stress. I do the lions share of the household chores, cook meals every night, do the shopping every weekend so that we have plenty of lovely fresh food in, manage the finances, make sure his clothes are washed and fresh for work, so i am unsure what else he has to stress over - he has a stable job, friends, family nearby and lots of hobbies and interests. This has turned into a bit of a massive rant but i am pretty frustrated with this suggestion!
However, he seems to have taken to this counsellor and is planning on attending GA asap (currently his session is at the same time as our local GA). so i suppose thats a good thing.
Hopefully the counsellor gets through to him, at some point, that yes these are the things he is stressed about, but that they are totally normal things tht normal people learn to cope with, and it is part of his gamblers problem that he thinks these normal things are stressful.
Mr P often says how all his stress came from the gambling, but at the time he thought all his stress was everything but the gambling, it wasnt until he actually stopped worrying about the gambling that he saw how life was actually much easier without it.
There's a massive change in outlook necessary fo a compulsive gambler is going to go into recovery, he's on the right road, it s just...welll..... a bit more s**t for the likes of us to put up with in the meantime
high five, you're doing great, keep talking, dont let the buggers get you down 😀
Thank you, you speak so much sense and I am so grateful for your comments, makes me feel less lonely and less guilty. You have really lifted my mood on a difficult day 🙂
Hi aimez
Personally the only stress that he could be referring to in the relationship has been self inflicted. His gambling is causing the stress, and he is worried what it will do to the relationship. That's my read anyway.
I go to my weekly GA meeting as a reminder of what I was, and could become again should I let my guard down. We most certainly are there to help others, especially the newer members, But my prime motivation is looking after me. The GA meeting is my weekly medicine. It's a similar reason for me being on this forum. Whilst I hope I am helping others here, I am also helping myself. Every reminder of what I was helps to keep me on my toes. 🙂
I think anyone who has had a gambling problem should continue with whatever worked to stop them from gambling. Because your partner was gamble free for 20 months, I think he let his guard down. He needs to be reminded that he has, and always will have a gambling problem. This can never be cured. One bet is all it generally takes, and then the rollercoaster takes off again.
PS.. rants are always welcome. 🙂 It does you good to let off some steam every now and then.
Take care
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