New Member Needing To Just Talk

Hi The Other Half,

I am also new to this website and forum... fingers crossed this will be a good source of advice and support.

I found out this week that my boyfriend of 4 years has been gambling online, and in the last 4 months has spent almost £5,000.

At the moment I have so many emotions I'm not quite sure how to deal with them - anger, hurt, disappointment, loneliness... I feel like in the space of a day, our relationship has gone from saving to buy a house together, to not having a clue what sort of future we may have...

Hello to both of you

I am a recovering CG.

If he is willing to hand over financial control, do it. If he has no money, and no easy access to it, it will help prevent his gambling. There is software available that will block access to most, if not all gambling websites.

Has any thought been given to attending GA? or counselling? If you read through some of the threads on this forum you will find that this addiction can destroy families and their futures. Don't treat it lightly.

Best wishes

Hi Wal1957 and Half-Life,

Thank you for your replies. He said he wants to stop, but won't give me any sort of control over his finances, keeps saying he wants to do it on his own but I don't think he can. Since telling me about it all on Thursday night, he still placed bets on Friday draining the rest of his bank account - so more lies.

I've hardly slept or eaten since I found out as I'm just so angry and know that our relationship isn't ever going to be the same... I'm not sure I can deal with that...

Morning all,

Ive been and paid the log book loan this morning, poor woman behind the counter didnt know what to do with me, if i wasnt so mad it would almost be funny. I did apologise to her for "taking it out" on her and explained that it was him i was mad at for getting the log book loan, her poor face dropped, he walked out said it was non of her business.

Anyway its done now, i needed to tell someone, needed someone to know what he had done, to himself, to me, to our little boy.

With regards to finances, well i have his bank card, although hes not happy about it, says "what if i need something"... plus i know have the log book back for the car and thats staying firmly in my works office drawer where he cant get at it.

I also havent slept, or probably eaten properly lj_25, so maybe we can be on this journey together? I could sure do with the company in this lonely place.

He says he wont ever gamble again, and even though he doesnt like handing over his bank card, ultimately he has. So i suppose thats something, and to a certain extent, i believe him FOR NOW! the problem is he might behave for now but i know in a year or so down the line we will be back here again. Thats what i find the hardest about it all, how do i spend any type of future with this person knowing that my future will be miserable because im picking up his debts all the time and digging him out of the S***?

Lets be honest, its not about the money, its about living with someone, committing your life to someone who is being totally slefish, you're not getting what noraml people expect from a relationship. It's a s**t deal, you're absolutely right.

I get it, I've been there with the sleepless nights and the ruined self esteem, with keeping what they do a secret because i am so ashamed of it, while mr Pangolin just carried on with no conscience at all. There's alot of us here have done this stage.

We cant tell you whats best for you, or how to deal with it, we can only tell you what has worked for us, so you can have a think about it.

GA meetings have made Mr P human again and helped him salvage our marriage.

Gam Anon meetings have helped me get my confidence back, helped me feel like I am back in control of my own life and I have learned that separating love from trust is actually quite easy, I ended up feeling open to letting Mr P make ammends and we have rebuilt some happiness, equally if Mr P had refused recovery, I would now be single and the Gam Anon group would still be my best and most supportive friends .

I recommend those groups, I did try counselling, but i felt the pressure to speak and sort things out and to be "a good girl and do what the counsellor wants" got in the way of me actually recovering from what i'd been through, in the group at gam anon, i didnt have to speak and i had more experiences to draw upon.

But thats just me, you're going to do whats best for you in your circumstances, and if, like half life says, your gambler doesnt not want to take the steps to recover, those circumstances are going to be very difficult, if not totally intolerable.

My favourite saying at the moment, "everything is always alright in the end, and if it's not alright, then it's not the end".

So every day we begin again, a little wiser than yesterday, keep talking....

Hello Pangolin,

I had read lots of the posts you had put up before joining the site, you speak some very wise words.

Your right, in all honesty its not about the money (although i am probably the most money conscious, wise spending, non loan taking person you will ever "meet") so what he has done blows my mind beyond comprehension.

Its the stupidity of it, the things like "it was a sure fire winner" and "i could double my money" and "i was going to win it all back" them sentences that annoy me, i mean, come on, if youve lost it all so far, what makes you think the money you get from a loan will win it all back, if you havent won so far, then surely you learn from the lesson?!?!

and even if i can deicde to commit my life to someone so totally selfish, its not fair to commit my little boy to that kind of sentence!

I am keeping it all a secret, from everyone, and whats worse, Im ashamed, I mean I, ME, I AM ashamed, and yet i havent done this....

I have being reading about the Gam Anon groups, though havent had a straight enough head to see if one is local enough to me, plus i work funny hours and dont have much childcare support so it might be difficult to attend as much as i would love the company. I think thats why i made an account here, as embarrassed as a felt...

Trying to keep going with all the day to day problems and then this as well feels like im carrying a large weight, im naturally a worrier anyway even over normal day to day things so something like this, well this on top of everything else... pffffftttttt

P.s. i like your quote...

Hi the other half

The very first thing you have to understand is that you are in no way to blame for what is happening. You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed on your part. Don't second guess yourself either. "why didn't I know...it's so obvious now...I should have noticed". The gambler is able to hide his addiction very well.

I think for your own sanity it would be good if you had someone you can confide in. We can have a chat here but it's not the same, especially if you need a shoulder to lean on. As Pangolin has pointed out, Gamanon is very supportive and offers great advice from their own experiences in dealing with this addiction. Have you got a family member or friend that you feel you could confide in?

Is he giving any thought about attending GA? This addiction, like all addictions, is hard to beat using willpower alone. He will need support and guidance along the way.

Best wishes

The other half.

Welcome to the forum, my name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler.

What you have written upon your thread could have been day after day what my own life was like as an active gambler, the false belief that gambling would answer all my woes through my relentless commitment to it.

The truth is all I did for the twenty years I gambled was further detach myself from the world, I had no moral fibre eventually and sadly saw bailouts as 'victories' rather than an opportunity to seek a better life through change.

It took me to actually get to within one day of losing the family home to make me seek help.

I had long stopped paying any bills and was living a terrible life of deciept and lies.

The house of cards came tumbling down.

I was truly broken by my unwavering commitment to my addiction.

I faced up to my shortfalls, by doing so our life really was granted one final chance.

No more bail outs, no more lies and I entered recovery.

I will do anything I can for the rest of my life to make amends for the terrible things I did to feed addiction.

This has been made possible by knocking down all the barriers I put up.

My advice unload that shame, it is not yours to carry, you like my wife and children are the innocent victims of the compulsion to gamble, you have given nothing but unconditional love, in return you have suffered great emotional pain and financial losses.

Addiction loves everyone to keep it, it's dirty little secret, from it you become isolated, from that act of secrecy addiction gains all the power.

Unlock the power, make it your own.

Everyone in my life past and present knows I am a recovering compulsive gambler, I am not ashamed of admitting my shortfalls, from it I am once again in control.

My wife and I have been together for 22 years, in fact all our adult lives, today she recovers from this addiction too, in my mind she deserves all the plaudits, praise, it is her strength and determination that has seen our family remain just that.

3 years into recovery we are now reaping the benefits, I have relentlessly re payed most of the debt I brought upon myself and will continue to do so until it is all refurnished.

I still use the same advice that I was gifted on my first days recovery, there is a triangle time-money-location, by eliminating one at all times I not only eliminate the possibility of that devastating next punt but most importantly gift my wife and children peace of mind, to enable them to live their lives not in fear any more.

I hope your partner seeks recovery as something that I understand fully is only the addict can seek it for themselves.

In the meantime please embrace your own recovery, as I wrote you don't have to be ashamed, you have done nothing wrong.

Safe guard your future, whatever that takes.

I write today from the bottom of my heart, I am humbled by the kindness life has bestowed upon me.

My goal, to unconditionally share the gift of recovery.

Please embrace it.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi lj_ 25

I doubt very much that he will succeed by "doing it on his own". He hasn't succeeded in the past, so how is he going to approach it now?

He's off to a good start with his "no more gambling"....lasting less than a day. Without some basic barriers in place, when the temptation hits him, he will gamble. All CGs should limit their ability to access money, or if he is gambling online, have gambling software blocking installed. If he is unwilling to hand over control of his finances, I think that you may be in for a bumpy ride.

As with my post to the other half, I would recommend Gamanon for you. Or confide in a friend or family member. You are going to need someone to talk to to help you through this.

Best wishes

Best wishes

Hi wal1957,

Im not second guessing myself etc because truth be known, i knew he was gambling, a £5 or a £10 here and there, a couple of times a week maybe on his way to work, what i didnt know was that obviously it was much more than that and much more often, I thought he was going to a bookies but turns out it was on his phone online, have you any more information on the gambling blocking software?

I am going to look into the Gam Anon meetings when i can, though i do think it will be difficult for me as i work funny hours and have no childcare support. I dont have family or friends i can talk about it to as the person who i would of talked to about everything in my life was my mum but she passed away last year.

I metioned GA to him, and in a row in an effort to keep a roof over his head he said he would go, however following that mentioning it, he said he doesnt need to tell anyone, he can do it alone, he quit both smoking and drinking with will power alone so thinks he can do this as well.

Hello duncanmac,

I get a great deal of pleasure reading your honesty at the destruction you have caused your family, and i dont mean that nastily, i just mean, most CGs fail to acknowledge what they have done and its nice to read that you do, it makes me feel like in their somewhere, he does know what he is doing, and hopefully in the near future, he will at some point acknowledge and address the situation.

Unfortunately, he seems to believe sentences like "ive said i will pay it back" are supposed to make me feel better about the situation and that i should be grateful to him because he will pay me back my own money that i have used to repay his debts. What he fails to notice is that, even though he will repay the money, the money he is paying we should be able to enjoy in the first place, not use to repay from our savings, i dont know if im making sense, but we had some savings which are now gone, and although he will replace the savings, the money shoud be on top of the original money to put us in a better situation not the same as? am i making any sense?

Finally, the reason i keep the secret, the reason i am ashamed, and im sorry because i already know this sounds terrible, but im ashamed for loving him, ashamed for standing by him. Ashamed of who he is and what he has done.

ohhhh dear ehh!!

Hi the other half

Follow this link for the software info:

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software#.VTTwNWccSa0

Best wishes

Don't be ashamed for you Other Half...The man you fell in love with is still in there somewhere! You are making complete sense with the money but his addled brain is still waiting for that 'Big win' that will chase all these woes away!

My Mother did the log book loan thing, £300 a month interest on a £2k loan if I recall...It literally makes my heart stop beating & yep, I too am a CG! On top of this, she pawned a load of family jewellery that she was looking after for my Nan! I know what she was thinking, I'll get that back & no-one will know! Why after decades of getting nothing back did she think it would be different, I cannot tell you...Our minds just don't think straight when we're consumed my the addiction!

I believed every single day for years that I could beat it using willpower alone, the fool that I was! If we could do it that way, we wouldn't be who we are/were, lying deceitful, manipulative people always undergoing a drama to try & secure money for the next punt! You need to make sure he is not paying lip service to you, unless his cards are on the table & you have full access to his financials (including credit file), you can't trust him! Hell, I wouldn't have trusted me farther than I could thrown me!

Have you tried phoning Gamcare? I was under the impression that they offer phone counselling, it may not be ideal but it could be a start?

Keep your head up, this is entirely his doing, not yours & I hope one day he finds his way out of this mess & thanks you for every tear of your support! Stay strong - ODAAT

Hi Wal1957, thanks for the link, it turns out my internet provider off to turn it off but as it happens their website is down for maintenance so that will have to be a job for tomorrow, can't help wondering if it will work for an app download though, is the internet clever enough to know this is a gambling app, or will it just think he is running iTunes? May have to find out tomorrow ?

Hi odaat ,

yes the log book loans are sickening, for the £500 he had borrowed he had to pay over £1000 back. Makes me sick! In fact regardless of the hurt I'm feeling about it, a part of me thinks it's criminal to do that to people, I mean let's be honest, there are probably two types of people who get log book loans, one is addicts who shouldn't be able to get them and the others are people generally unable to make ends meet for whatever reason, and they shouldn't be subject to them kind of rates otherwise they would never find their feet!

I have got his bank card, haven't bothered with his savings account as in all honesty I know there's nothing left in there now anyway so unless I put something into it, there's nothing to withdraw anyway. Haven't done a credit file check, is that really necessary?

As for the phone councilling, it's not quite the same as a face to face thing, and in all honesty, most of what I think I would gain from a one off phone call I think I'm gaining from everyone's comments. It's a bit different to a weekly meeting I feel.

Pas for the lip service, I'm almost sure he is, he has a tendency to do that anyway even without the gambling stuff. Hugh after nearly 8 years I'm pretty good at reading the signals and knowing which is lip service and which is the truth, generally the truth I don't like and prefer the lip service version haha!

Hello Half Life,

you have hit the nail right on the head there, I don't want people to know because I don't want to be the village gossip! I've spent too long living the good quiet life to be gossiped about now and in the little place I am, there's no chance of just telling one or two without everyone knowing by the end of the week.

With regards to the car, I did worry I was bailing him out and knew that wouldn't help, but I couldn't sit back and watch all that more money thrown away at some "loan shark type company" as I've said above as far as my opinion goes they should be illegal!

I have my own car, the situation is like this, he was driving my car whilst I was on an extended maternity leave from work, I got a new job and would need my car back to get to work, and I knew it would be stupidly difficult for him to maintain working without a car, doesn't finish work till 10.00pm and by that time he misses the last bus home so would have to walk, anyway we decided to borrow some money from my dad, because we couldn't afford both the car and his insurance, we borrowed the money for the car and he has been paying it back at £100 per week, he only finished paying the car off two weeks ago, and now I've paid for it again, luckily this time I have some savings. Anyway the point I, trying to make, is the car is used for two things, one for him to drop our little one of at childcare and the other is to get him to work, if he can't work, he can't earn.

Anyway as I've said I couldn't bare to see more money wasted so yes I have bailed him out. I have told him he has to pay the money back plus a £200 charge for borrowing, which is still cheaper than the log book company, he wasn't happy that I was "making money out of him" but I told him I'm putting the interest/charge in our little boys savings account to make up for the damage he has done to this family. He's still not happy, but can tolerate the idea I suppose, not that I've given him much choice, it was that or loose the car.

Anyway best stop talking cause this message is already too long! Whoops

No such thing as too long Hun...If it helps, keep 'em coming!

So glad you are taking steps to financially 'protect' yourself & your little man 🙂 It is the least he can do! I completely get paying off the car & it absolutely makes me sick to see my Mother getting credit over & over again! These companies should have harsh regulations, they help no-one 🙁

Personally, I would say regular checks on the credit report is an absolute necessary...It will ensure he is not taking up loans behind your back! Then again, if you can read him & are happy to ask the direct questions, maybe this won't be the right thing for you!

I see about the phone stuff, just wasn't sure you were aware it existed & don't want you to miss out on anything available to you as you are the innocent one here! 'You' may not all be ladies that lunch together but hopefully knowing that there are people on here that understand your pain will help you through this testing time!

Be good to you - ODAAT