Hi,
Hope everyone is doing ok. My partner has closed his ‘savings’ account so has no money to secretly use to gamble now (have joint account with his wage in, not mine, so can keep an eye on outgoings etc) but his gambling has been on off for the last 4/5 years (as far as i’m aware) multiple broken promises and texting me the night before my birthday, valentines etc to say he has no money to spend etc….. we have 2 young children so i’ve made sure they don’t go without. It’s not just the gambling, it’s the attitude that comes with it, mood swings, very jekyl and hyde personality i find at times. This week he’s been saying I don’t seem to care about our love life anymore/don’t want him near me etc. But i’ve said for the last few years i’ve felt c**P having to take the brunt of everything and having it all on my shoulders to pick up the pieces, of course it’s going to affect me!!
Has anyone else felt like they don’t want to be romantic with their partners anymore after all the gambling? i’ve felt like a bank manager the last few years not a partner! I love him as he’s my children’s father but i think that ‘spark’ has gone long ago unfortunately, i fell in love with the non gambling man who was fun. Now he demands to know why I don’t show any affection etc and says i spend too much time on my phone……. coming from an online gambler…..!!! If a man shows a tiny bit of attention towards me he hates it!
As someone who has lost a relationship in the past partly due to gambling I very much resonate with the bi-polar mood swings as I used to take losses out on her quite a lot and it wasn't fair
She left and it was probably the best thing she could have done as she in now happy with a new partner and I think they are having a child
I am Happy for her because she deserved a lot better than I could offer her at the time
The same rings true for your partner , you do not deserve to be taking the brunt of his actions through gambling
Gambling has always been an issue of mine but I do have long periods where I will completely turn my back on it or severely limit my spending these are control mechanisms I use to keep in control
For example I have never gambled so much I couldn't afford a birthday or holiday something like that
It sounds like your partner is completely out of control in that regard
Its going to be tough but I would lay down an ulitmatium
He either goes cold turkey from tomorrow or you are leaving ( and make sure you act on it )
Good luck
I can completely relate to this. Constantly having to monitor the spending and feeling responsible for keeping my partner on the road to recovering has really killed the romance.
Also the fact that for all those years when I thought we were so close and in love he was keeping this huge secret from me has really damaged the trust in our relationship. He used and manipulated me for years without me even knowing.
I’m physically and emotionally exhausted and just want to be left alone a lot do the time and he always seems so hurt by this.
Opening up to me about his gambling must have made my partner feel very vulnerable and so me avoiding intimacy probably makes him worried I don’t love him. But I need time and space. Right now our love life is not the priority, there’s other things that have to be fixed first.
I can relate! What affection does he show you? How is he being romantic? Sounds like multiple broken promises for birthdays, Christmas, valentines... plus you being his money minder and the damaged trust. None of this is going to put you in the mood! If you'd both like to have s*x (and it's completely fine if you don't) then he's really going to have to work on communication and non sexual romance/connection first!
Thank you for all your replies. He’s still doing ‘free bets’ which i said to him everything needs to stop. He cooked a meal for me recently and then almost each night tries it one to which i say no and he’s unhappy about. Unfortunately i do think those feelings went long ago, can’t fall back in love which someone perhaps?
Now he’s saying i make him feel insecure and his head is worse than when it was when he was gambling! Now he’s ‘stopped’ gambling (only as he hasn’t got access to do at the moment ) he said it was my love to get him through and now feels I’m punishing him as i said i don’t have the same feelings etc, I can’t just pretend the last few years haven’t happened!
@mummyof2 if he doing free bets he still addicted, this all leads to same road in order to stop he need to be willing to get the support he needs to stop, its possible ar my local Ga meeting their are many people who have done 10 20 30 years plus and are still going strong one of the guys their blew over a million quid and he been G/f since 2012 he knows the dangers and he even tell his wife i must be their his life improved and he no longer in debt he made sacrifices and he fully dedicated towards the program yes the addiction can be controlled but u have to be giving it 100% i was in the same situation and i have manage to be g/f for 3 years however i wasent fully committed as gambliers we forget the damage it can lead to, without being fully comitted to stopping and understanding the dangers of our actions it can only lead one way this is by far the worst addiction to have, any other addiction can be cure except gambling even if u never gamble again we are still compulsive gambliers it only takes just one relapse and thats the end of it, i believe gambling urges can be controlled but never beaten
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