Help and advice please 🙏

All you can really do is try and show her that your doing everything possible to get help and no longer gamble. Maybe offer she takes over your finances, you've just got to try build her trust again, maybe try take her on some sort of date (doesn't need to be expensive) remind her who she fell in love with, i know it sounds corny.

It's hard but you can't change what has been done, just try focus on your future and make sure gambling isn't part of it

All the best

I am in a very similar situation myself. My wife opened a letter that said I had missed a credit card payment and I had to admit everything.

Shes kicked me out our family home and i fear I may not go back.

However, what you're feeling is all based on perception. You feel guilty and worried about the future. Unfortunately, that can only be healed with time. 

Instead, think about how you at your lowest point. It cant get any worse, it can only get better. Structure your finances, be 100% completely honest and give her full visibility. Tell your friends and your family, be honest and set the physical blocks to prevent you gambling again. Come here, talk to people, speak to BreakEven (they have been good for me) show everyone you're transparency and honesty and you can start to build trust from there. 

The pain and stress should ease away, almost getting a sense of relief. A sense of motivation to not only prove to yourself, but your wife that your doing this for her. 

Hi Paul. 

So sorry you are going through this, I am also going through this right now with my wife. 

Your story sounds exactly like mine, never really gambled, won a nice amount and the rest is the usual spiral.

First things first, well done for signing up to Gamstop and coming on here, I have also done this!

I have literally joined Gamcare today after speaking to an advisor. 

Like a few people have said, show your wife you are doing everything you can to fix this. Full transparency, bear in mind that there will be times where you disappear for valid reasons and she may think you're off gambling. 

I think it would also be helfpul for your wife to call Gamcare or other local counselling services. They can help her too.

The advisor I spoke to suggested I make a to do list of all the things gambling took away, e.g. help out around the house, book a nice meal, have a walk out, watch a movie together, spend time doing things you missed out on due to gambling. I like this idea. 

I have been thinking about an IVA but fear it would jeopardise our house, I'm not sure if this would be an option for myself? 

All the best,

Nod

Trust is a very big thing in a relationship, but so is understanding.  Yes this is on you, the guilt and shame you feel is very real and yes she has every right to be angry you betrayed her trust lied and risked your financial future, saying that you also both need to understand this is not a life choice it is a disease a terrible disease that takes your soul little by little day by day £1 by £1, gambling controls you it makes you do terrible things that you would have never ever have considered before, you hurt the ones closest to you and at the time you do not care, not because you are selfish, because you are numb, it messes with your brain literally messes with your head until you are no longer yourself.

maybe if she could look into gambling addition a bit more, get some advice help herself, there is help out their for people who are effected by people who gamble, it might give her a little bit more of an understanding, that you need help not punishment.

I have been where you are, I was very very lucky in that when I opened up everyone was so supportive, despite the lies I had told, the money I had lost and the things I had done, and believe me they were terrible and unforgivable and I will live with that for the rest of my life, but understanding that I was ill and I can take back control has been huge in my recovery.  Honesty was the biggest part for me and also the biggest weight off my shoulders, once the truth was out there there were no more lies no more secrets, everything laid bare, that was the hardest yet most liberating day of my life.

My mental health is shot, my debts are massive but i am in control, I am happier, I enjoy things again, my home life is happy, i am still skint but the debt is going down, I am still messed up in the head but I have support, I am building back the trust and respect of people around me simply by coming so far.

I guess what I am saying is it takes time, understanding and support.  You understand her anger and fears but for someone who has not experienced addiction or has no knowledge of the effect of compulsive gambling disorders it can be difficult to understand why you did what you did.  

I am over 6 months gamble free, i have good days, I have bad days but I am honest about them.  We cant take back what we have done, but we can show that we will not do it again.  I personally think its a good thing she found out, and in time who knows x stay strong

build that trust..... but youll find that ur confidence comes along with time gamble free

I have had real issues with online machines blocked one bank card to stop but then used another and just kept on going which was not great ! I have now put a block on this too ! It’s an old cliche but I will just do one day at a time.  I like horse betting but when not winning have been chasing on the machines. I think I have to admit to myself that I need to completely stop. Totally walk away. I win big and then lose big.  I am not going to completely block the sites as I may return to the horses. The problem is that the online sites encourage you with free spins.  They know exactly what they are doing.  As a start I will block permanently all games and the temptation will be gone.  It is an addiction as I wait until midnight every day for free offers.  Luckily I have not got into any debt but I can see where it may lead. 

Hey guys thank you soo much for the replies and advice , it is very helpful to know that many are in the same boat, its just such a awful situation we have put ourselves in. And does very much feel like there's nowhere to turn for help and guidance but now that feels different.  I am hugely grateful for the help. And like I said before I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in gambling ever again,  and have not had a single thought to do it since signing on to gamstop, it was a relief.  I just want my life back but a better version of me not just for everyone else but for me as well. I want and need to be a better man. It now just feels the longer this goes on the harder it will be be to repair the relationship and that the longer it goes onthe bigger the gap between us. But that is all my own doing .

Paul