Hi this is my first post on here. I don't know which way to turn. Married 7 years, together 16, joint mortgage, 4 year old son. All I can say is I am done!! I have had an absolute gut full of the lies, deceit, empty promises and never fully knowing the truth. My husband has from his teens loved playing fruit machines. He would spends hundreds at a time. Pumping note after note in. He has abandoned me many times over the years in pubs and at seaside resorts to play on fruit machines and arcades. I stupidly tolerated quite a lot being young and in love. Although there were many arguements along the way and times where I walked out and left him to it. Anyway, fast forward to today, 16 years on with a mortgage and a son between us and what has really changed?! Nothing. Other than I am desperately unhappy, there is zero trust despite millions of chances! He tells me frequently it's 'his money' as he is the bread winner. The fruit machine gambling developed into horse racing online, to online poker, online football betting, online fruit machine games! Plus lottery and scratchcards when he fancies. He promises to stop, cut back etc. It's all utter rubbish. He self excluded himself a couple of years ago for 5 years from online gambling but has since simply used other people's accounts, such as his brother or friends at work. He refuses to show me his bank account. It's 'his account and none of my business' apparently. I am only his wife after all! I am a full time mum with no income and struggling to find work that fits around school hours and school holidays etc. I want a divorce. He is never going to stop. He doesn't want to stop. He says 'why should he'. I have stayed far too long. He thinks because he earns the money, that I should be grateful. I worked up until maternity leave! I run the house and bring up our son, pretty much single-handidly I will add because not only is he a gambling addict but he is also an online gamer too!!! I can't go on like this. I have told him I feel depressed and suicidal. For lots of other reasons too but this is a huge part of it. My only saving grace is my son!! Otherwise I would not be here today. Is there anyone here who can relate and how the hell did you get out?????? I have no family. Limited friends. I have really tried, talking, shouting, screaming, chucking him out, taking control of finances. I even went to a GA meeting for advice!!! He pays his wages to me but just ends up witholding money and lying about how much he's been paid. It is making me ill. He is a bad influence on our son. Puts gaming and gambling before us. He has actively sat on his phone many times, next to our son, playing fruit machine games and let our son press to spin the machine. He has played fruit machines in pubs holding our son and letting him press. He will arrive, get a drink and prop up the fruit machine until the food arrives for example. Pre covid of course! Now pubs are back open ... yay!! Sorry, I am rambling now. Just so sick of it all and of him!! How do I get me and my son out and fast?????? X
Dear @wifeofgamblingaddict,
I am really sorry and concerned to read what you have been going through over the years and how this has left you feeling.
I am particularly concerned to read that you are feeling suicidal at the moment and feel quite alone. Please contact us on the Helpline or the Netline we are here 24/7 or call the Samaritans on 115 123 and please also let your GP know about how you have been feeling. There is help her for you so please reach out.
It also sounds from your post that your husband is not ready for change and all your hard work in trying to support him and limit the damage gambling is causing are not really bringing about any change. This is not because you've not done the right things but because he doesn't want to change.
I would strongly recommend you start focusing on your son and yourself and make sure you are ok. Because when you feel strong and you feel confident you can look after yourself and your son.
Please keep posting and sharing and also please have a look at GamAnon. We also run an Family and Friends Chat every Monday 11:30-12:30pm, please feel free to join there as well.
Wishing you all the very best,
Eva
Forum Admin
Google GamAnon uk, they should have virtual meetings and there you will meet others who have gone or are going through a similar situation to yourself, you will get good advice and the support you need there.
Your marriage is clearly abusive in that your husband works and feels its your job to cook clean and raise your child while he gambles and plays games. Even if he wasn't gambling and blowing money, what kind of relationship is that where you get no attention. At least your instincts are right in that this cannot continue and he clearly is not going to change so you have to make the necessary change in leaving him to protect you and your son. I know you are naturally scared of what will happen but at least you will be back in charge of your own destiny, you can do this.
Thank you for the replies so far. I am only just, holding it together for my son's sake but not feeling in a good place at all. I feel completely lost and financially vulnerable. No he has no intention to change or stop. He says 'why should he'. Yes I am terrified. I want to cut all financial ties with him. But, I desperately want to keep our house! I gave up work to bring up our son. It was always my intention and I wanted to be a full time mum. But as a result, I have no job or income currently. I haven't worked since maternity leave. I am really struggling to find work that fits around school hours and school holidays. Unless I'm lucky to find a job in a school, it seems impossible. Or it means paying for childcare through the holidays! So then I will only be working to pay for childcare! And it breaks my heart to think of all of that time I will lose out on with my son. So do I sell up but it's unlikely I will be able to get another mortgage on my own. I have read bits about keeping the house until my son is 18 etc but do I need a court order for this? I have spoken to a solicitor in the past but I find it all so confusing and then when I try to tell my husband, he just says I'm deluded, I'll never get the house. He could stay on the mortgage and I pay the bills but is it a good idea having his name still tied to the house?! Do I just suck it up and rent somewhere? But prices where I live to rent are dearer than my mortgage! None of this feels fair or right at all. X
Hello Wifeofgamblingaddict,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you at the moment. You are not alone. There are lots of people on here who will be able to relate to your situation.
The advisors on here can give really helpful, non judgemental advice and there is a friends and family chat room.
Whatever you decide regarding your marriage, protect yourself and your little boy. You have a right to a happy life.
Are there any close friends or family members that you trust enough to talk to? I know it's hard. My husband is a gambling addict and I have never confided in anyone close to me. It might help you though if you can talk to someone and get support.
I wish you the very best for your future journey.
Take care.
J x
Thank you Jess. I am sorry to read that you are going through this too with your husband. The only family I have is my husband's family. They all know and his brother is a gambling addict too. They don't always know the full extent but then neither do I and I'm his wife. It's just brushed under the carpet by his family. Whenever I say anything to him, he replies 'well how much do you think I'm spending, thousands'. Over the last 16 years YES, thousands! But I can't get through to him. Friends know. But it's hard to put it all into words sometimes. I honestly feel I have tried. Like I say, I have shouted, screamed, taken control of finances as much as I can but he will not give up his bank card or have wages paid directly to me. He insists on getting paid and then transferring wages to me. He tells me I am 'controlling' him. I feel so incredibly alone. It doesn't matter what I say, he will find an excuse or twist it so it's my fault or my problem. He says it's 'all in my head'. He refuses to show me his bank account. He says it's none of my business and he will do what he likes. He says what's the point showing me when I don't trust him. The POINT is, if he was willing to show me at regular intervals, I could see that he isn't gambling his wages. But I am past caring now. The damage is well and truly done! And it's not just the gambling but years of being addicted to online gaming, his phone, facebook, watching online gaming videos, not pulling his weight at home with our son and that goes back to day one of our son being born! I did the feeds while he played playstation, more often than not. Add to that his belief that all housework falls to me because he 'works' and I am seriously at the end of my tether!!! I still did everything when I worked full time anyway, so it's a pathetic cop-out. As I write this I feel so silly for staying as long as I have. Believe it or not we have had lots of good times. I always hoped things would change or he would see sense. He is 36 now and it seems very unlikely, so no point trying anymore. He says 'other women wouldn't mind' or 'he could be the type of man who beats me or doesn't work' etc, again more ways to excuse his behaviour. I feel taken for granted and taken the P out of. He says how is he taking the P out of me. I believe he is by continuously going behind my back etc. I just want him out of my life and if I could, my son's too! But I can't because none of this matters to a court apparently. He threatens to tell the courts I am not a fit mother because I struggle with my mental health. So much has happened in my life and then all this on top! X
Dear @Wifeofgamblingaddict,
Thank you for continuing to share your experience on the Forum.
I would recommend you contact the Citizens Advice Bureau (0800 144 8848) to get more information and legal advice regarding the shared ownership of the house.
I would also recommend you contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline (0808 2000 247) as it sounds like there is some emotional and mental abuse going on.
I would strongly recommend you give our helpline a call as we can organise some one-to-one treatment for you to have that space to talk about your situation. You can contact us on 0808 8020 133 or you can also come through on our Netline via our website.
We are available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We are here for you when you are ready.
All the best,
Fay
Forum Admin
Dear @Wifeofgamblingaddict,
It really does sound like your husband is not ready or willing to admit he has a problem. You could try contacting some of the number the forum advisor Fau has given. Citizens Advice might be able to give you an idea of what you are entitled to.
Good luck to you and your son.
J x
I'm pretty sure that the courts would have the power to require banks to provide his financial transactions by law, multiple accounts even with one bank, if you went to the CAB, maybe they could confirm that so he could be embarrassed in court.
Thank you. I might try the helpline number. But tbh, I feel that the damage is done so not sure what they can really do or say. I hoped to hear other similar stories and what happened, the outcome etc. Or how best to deal with all of this in a way that protects and gives me and my son the best life. I have tried CAB and they were not very helpful. CAB just gave me a list of solicitors. It's a joint mortgage, 50-50 split outside of court. We sell, or one buys the other out. I refuse to sell. I cannot afford to buy him out. So the other options are, he stays on the mortgage or I get a court order to stay here until my son is 18. Something like that. But I was hoping there would be people on here who have been through this and can tell me what they did etc. I have exhausted all other options. I suffer from terrible anxiety and I am terrified and suffering panic attacks already, without the additional stress and worry over which way to turn. I am really scared of how all of this will work out! X
I am scared of losing him. Terrified I will regret it. I feel extreme anger and hatred towards him one minute, followed by sadness. Then an intense feeling of panic and a need to resolve things. All whilst hoping things will change but feeling silly for staying and being so naive. And feeling stupid that people know all of this yet I still stay, only to go through it all again 2 months later! I am a grown woman, I manage absolutely everything by myself, other than he works and yet I still feel like a terrified little girl, alone and believe I will not cope without him. I get chest pains, nausea and all sorts just from the sheer amount of pressure I feel under which he says I bring on myself. I get an immense feeling telling me to either run away or end my life because my body cannot take anymore. He says his gambling isn't the cause. It is a huge part of it. I sat in my car in a car park crying so much I could barely breathe and I watched people walking past. I was so close to screaming please help me. I literally feel that alone and scared. I have lost weight, struggle to eat at the best of times as I am emetaphobic and feel so depressed. I get up every day for my son. I need someone to help me because I don't feel strong enough to do this on my own. X
Please get in touch with someone if you're feeling this bad. I'm sure alot of people on here have felt very depressed at times. Living with a compulsive gambler can be hell. I've recently been having counselling and it's really helping. It wasn't easy to start but my mindset is changing and I'm able to think more clearly about what I need to do for my future xx
We're really sorry to hear how severely your difficult situation is impacting you. Our trained advisers are here 24/7 to offer support to problem gamblers and also loved ones (like yourself) affected by problem gambling. We can also discuss what other services could help you. alternatively you can also speak to us via out Netline. Please do get in contact when you feel ready.
Kind regards,
Owen
Talk to someone, on here is good but speaking to people does really help rather than letting the storm take over our lives. When the stress and worry is going through our heads constantly it consumes us, getting it out in the open helps us deal with it better, and sharing our issues also helps us get the support we need. This is one of the reasons groups like GA and GamAnon are successful.
You have put yourself in a catch 22 position by having none of your own money or your own job
I would imagine your husband is aware of this and therefore isn't too concerned about you going anywhere
you say you have no family , but pheraps a friend could take you in for a month or two just enough to maybe force his hand a little
i have to admit i have read a lot of gamblers stories over the years and this guy you are with doesn't sound like he wants to stop and this is the biggest problem you will face because it sounds like he is happy to remain a gambling addict
you need an exit strategy but with a young child and no money this is going to be extremely difficult to formulate you say he hands over all the finances to you ? you need to start syphoning some of this cash off into your own private bank account even if its a small amount like 1/200 a month you also need to get back to work and quickly you won't be able to escape overnight but in time doors will open for you
anyway hope this helps a little
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
