Hi there everyone,
I'm not sure I even really know how to start.
My partner has always had what he classes as an "addictive personality". When I met him, he'd been addicted to drugs and I told him if we were to have a future together, that needed to change, as I wasn't prepared to parent another person's child.
Fast forward 4 years and we had just had an offer accepted on a house. We were about to put in our final mortgage application - I was fronting £16.5K, saved by myself whilst he had borrowed £10K from his dad. On Tuesday we were on the phone with our mortgage adviser, about to submit our final application. All we were waiting on was evidence that he had the £10K in his account and we would have our first home together.
It then all started to unravel. He had less then £8K in his account, and insisted to me that the other £2K had just been spent on essentials. Something didn't add up, especially as we had just been through lockdown with just our essential expenses. To cut a long story short, after lots and lots and lots of lies, he revealed that he "invested" the £10K of his father's money on GameStop shares, and lost £2K of it before pulling out. He won't tell me how much he has put on in total of his own money - all I know is he never ever has any money left... He has told me be did this for the high of seeing the numbers go up, and then retracted to say he did it for us and I was putting words in his mouth and "made' him say this. He also said he only lost the money because he was forced to sell the shares - if I hadn't booked us that viewing then we wouldn't be in this position.
So now we've lost our first home together, he's lost my trust, and broken my heart. He has been lying to me for months on end, and he promised me he wouldn't do anything so stupid when he got the money. He is still insisting to me that he doesn't have a problem, that what he was doing isn't gambling, and is implying that this is all somehow my fault. He said to me if I "can't get over it" then it's me who's ended our relationship.
What can I do? He won't accept any form of help. I have said to him I can't be with him if he won't admit what he's done. I feel totally heartbroken - I am 26 years old.
Please share if you have any advice.
S x
Welcome to the GamCare Forum and for sharing your post.
I am sorry you are going through a really tough time at the moment, There is plenty of support available to you . It can be incredibly difficult as an affected other when the trust is broken like this. There's support available on our forum and through organisations like Gamanon. www.gamanon.org.uk.
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
Could I also give the details for some organisations that can offer some free debt advice. National Debtline – 0808 808 4000, www.nationaldebtline.org and StepChange – 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org
You are never alone , keep posting and reaching out for support.
All the best
Kirk
Forum Admin
Hi SM1 and Welcome to the forum.
Yes its a hard lesson but there is a truth there that you must face up to. Gambling is a drug addiction and you say he has always had an addictive personality.
You must now protect your finances as you have some serious decisions to make.
Im not saying he is inherently bad but if he wont seek help for a full recovery you will be unable to help him. He is already passing the blame which does not look good
You dont actually know what he has gambled on without the evidence. However Gamestop sounds like an excuse. Gamestop was a wild gamble based on a short selling frenzy. Only the people that spotted the bubble and got in and out at the right time made money. Everyone else was set to lose in a media storm.
What can you do? As I said protect yourself and it will help if you can speak to friends and family. Do not give him a penny of your money and you need to build a strength to tell him gambling is not acceptable and yes the relationship is on the line if not already over
You can not let this be a blind love and this is a lesson about relationships. Living with an active or problem gambler will give you no security. Its a highly dangerous addiction which eats life savings in seconds.
Its hard and I feel for you. However it could have been worse and all your savings were on the line. With a mortgage your home would have been at risk and he would have still been gambling.
Be proud of who you are and get ready to make your decisions. Its not your fault and you are not to blame
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
It may be hard to see it now, but you may look back and realised you were lucky not to get that house. He is blaming you is ridiculous, did he borrow 10k for a house or for investing in stocks? He can see that it may be the end of the relationship and is already blaming you for that also, what a nice guy he is.
If your staying you need full disclosure of what has happened, do not take his word on anything. It sounds like you should move on but either way you need support in dealing with all of this, talk to someone about it even if he wont.
Hang on a sec, ur other half is in cuckoo land totally, sorry if this isn’t informative at this point but he needs to get a grip.
Hi SM1
please don’t blame yourself. Think of it in terms of ‘at least you found out now.’
Addicts can be addicted to many things. Go from one to another. Gambling is much easier to hide.
if you do buy a house with him, make sure you are ‘tenants in common’. The other thing is if the mortgage company see gambling transactions they may well be adverse to lending him money.
This is a shock but far better to know before you lose your money.
as joydivider said, don’t lend him money, no joint accounts.
find out about gambling addiction and how bad it can get, read some diaries.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
