Husband gambling addict - I want out

Thank you all so much for your replies. Sorry Chris, I missed your reply. Yes, the courts would go through bank accounts etc, full financial disclosure, but to take it to court would cost hundreds of pounds, if not thousands. I chose to be a full time mum. It is not easy for mums, with or without partners, to juggle work and being a mum. Until my son starts school, going back to work is difficult because of childcare. But it's something I'm trying to get my head around. There are so many rules and regulations, pros and cons. Why is nothing easy or simple! My friends all have young families and limited space. Plus, I think of my son in all of this. This is his home, his familiar surroundings etc. My husband has moved out twice since living here, both times coming back promising various things. But here we are again! He has admitted many times to having a problem with gambling but says 'why should he stop'. Which yes, basically means he doesn't want to give up. In terms of keeping money aside for myself, if it went to court how would it look on my part? I don't know if I'm even legally allowed to do that. We are married so surely all bank accounts are 50-50 split. God knows how to get out of all of this. Or where to even start. Solicitors want £100's just for a phone call! And we don't have the money but not entitled to help because husband earns too much. I can't think straight to even make a plan. X

You mindset is the same curretnly as mine when I was gambling, it was so stressful trying to deal with everything in my head that I ended up going back to my addiction which had created teh mess in the first place. It was not until I opened up to others (not on a forum but real people) that I realised there is help and support out there.

If I were you I would look up the next GamAnon meeting (google GamAnon uk and you will find their site, they have virtual meetings so you can do it on your phone or laptop). There you will speak to other people in a similar situation as yourself, some worse off, some better off but they will be people there who have been through your situation or similar and will be able to offer advice that will help. I know it all seems daunting and unmanageable but talking to others who have been on this journey is the best way to tackle it.

I appreciate your advice Joe but I have been to a GA meeting before, for families of gambling addicts. The gamblers were in one room and the wives, girlfriends, mothers, were all in another room. Everything I have said on here, I said there and whilst the other people could understand what I was/am going through, I still walked away and drove back home to face everything by myself. I found it very religious, they did readings and prayers etc. It wasn't for me. I don't know what the answer is. They're has got to be other wives on here with no job, kids, a mortgage etc and going through or have been through this and can tell me what they did or are doing, without the need for meetings etc. X

Hi Wifeofgamblingaddict,

My husband is a gambling addict too but he is in recovery now so though I understand the pain of the lies, deceit and lost money,  I am really sorry that I can't give you any practical advice about separation. 

You may find people with similar experiences in the friends and family chatroom. 

The advisors on here are very supportive and knowledgeable. They may be able to offer some useful advice.

I'm sorry I can't be more help.

Take care.

J x

Hi

I’ve just read through your story.

I’ve been married 22 years to a cg.

I financially severed myself from my husband. Look up ‘tenants in common’. It secures your share of the house. No debt collector or others can use your share to pay his debt.

legally all income is ‘marital’ money. Even insurance policies, endowment. 50/50 is not normally the case when children are involved. You have more rights than you think.

Coercion and controlling another financially is a crime. Him telling you it’s in your head is gaslighting. These are all forms of mental and emotional abuse. 

Gamanon is not religious, they have offered me more support and help than anyone else. That’s where you learn how to look after yourself.

only others who have lived this life can help you. It’s about separating the gambling from the person. Detaching. Letting go. Working out how to not be taken in by their manipulation.

Your partner has a serious addiction to gambling plus online. This will affect his mental health as well. He’s relying on his ‘power’, to keep you ignorant of your rights. This enables him to continue.

you both need to ‘recover’. Stop repeating the same behaviour. You cannot control anyone else, the only person you can control is you. The only person you can change is you.

Don’t leave, it’s your  house as well. Get credit reports and see what’s going on. 

ask questions here, we all have some knowledge, if nothing else it’s emotional support.

Gamcare offer free counselling.

Does anyone know about Bitcoin and Crypto? Husband is involved with these but I do not understand it or know exactly what he is doing. Only that he let it slip that he's recently put £500 into Crypto. I feel like I am well and truly being made a fool of. He merrily does whatever he pleases with money!! 

Tenants in common protects my share but does not stop him selling his share to whoever. For more than 50% it would need to go through the court. I have no intention to leave the house. When you say get credit reports to see what's going on ... how do I access his reports? It's his reports I need, not my own. 

Sorry if the last posts were a little blunt. I really do appreciate all of the replies. I am just incredibly stressed and under so much mental pressure. X 

@merry-go-round has given some great advice, Gam anon works because you may feel you are alone but they know exactly what your going through and can advice best in my opinion. 

Crypto and Bitcoin are financial risks. Just another form of gambling he will say is investing! All risk taking.

I would talk to stepchange they will help you with your financial questions.

Hi, I'm sorry you are in the place, it's not your fault.  I am a compulsive gambler and through my own choices I inflicted very similar pain and distress to my wife and family.  It's devestating to be now abstaining and being able to think clearly about just who I became whilst being an active gambler.

I've been around this site for a long time now - many years. I love MGR (Merry Go Round) - very grounded and always offers some brilliant advice. Likewise the advisers and experts are really good.

It's painful reading and knowing just how hard things for you must be, it's also hard to read and think that whilst you are here, asking for help, you also appear to be rejecting some or most of it - there are people that care, people that can help - please let them - you deserve it.

Sorry, I maybe coming across as harsh, I don't mean to be. I hate gambling, I hate what it does to people, what it's done to me and in turn what I did to my loved ones.   It's an awful addiction for anyone directly or indiretcly involved.

I don't have any right to tell you what to do, I'm an addict not a professional but for what it's worth, I'd love to think you can find a way to be kinder to yourself. Find a way to give yourself 10/20/30 minutes to think about nothing, to just be. Drink some water, turn off all any noise and just be you.

When you're ready, focus on what you can control. There is a lot in your posts that you can't control so don't even try.  In itself this might be a daunting task, again the experts can help you with this, they can help you become unstuck, to focus on what is in your control and to then take control of that and that alone.

I honestly wish you all the best, again I'm sorry you're so impacted by his addiction.

You can still have an amazing and fulfilling life - you don't have to live like you are right now - you deserve better - you've got this.