I need some advice please

Hi as67

I truly do hope for everyone's sake that this is the end game.

I think that your husband should be the point of contact from now on. From your earlier posts, your husband doesn't seem to take the c**P that your son has a tendency to throw about, and is less likely to be deceived or manipulated.

I know you love your son. I know this is hard for you. You can both be there for moral support for him while he is going through the court process. That is the only support you should give him. Do NOT bail him out by paying any debts, else you will find yourself back at square one, and he will continue to gamble because he knows that you have his back.

I can't predict what the outcome of any prosecution will be, but I would imagine if he is a first offender and the debts aren't too large that it shouldn't be too bad. Possibly a good behaviour bond? Only a guess on my part. 🙁 I would assume however, that the judge would order that he honours the debts, and probably also order him to attend GA and/or counselling as well. This would be a good thing. 🙂

I truly hope that this is the kick up the backside he needs to realise that his gambling has consequences, and for that reason, he has to go through this process.

Take care xox

One of the things that stepchange said to us, was that it is not me or mr P that would be taken to court, we are not expected to attend, it is the debt that is taken to court and a judgement is made on how to proceed with retrieving that money, if this is all actually happening, and its not just a further attempt to manipulate you (i note he hasnt rung his dad) then the court will want a budget to show that he has no money and will then award a token payment, maybe £1 a month, until his circumstances change, in establishing if he can only pay the £1 or if he should be able to afford more, your son is going to have to get his finances a bit organised. Hurrah.

So what does this mean for you? nothing really. They're his finances, his debts and the courts want him to pay something, even nominally, so they will help him in a no nonsense sort of way. Yes it's scary, but its along time since anyone was sent to the workhouse or a debtors jail, this country just doesnt operate like that, the consequences of his debt being taken to court are really not that awful, it just sounds awful to us normal folks.

So tell your husband so you have some support at home, unplug the phone, get out of the house and enjoy some sunshine somewhere or stick a favourite flm on and stop worrying, he is going to be ok and you never know this might be the beginning of the end. You have come so far, think about how awful things would be if you were still trying to bail him out, this is not the time to stop the tough love, you've already changed so much, stick with it.

It's like childbirth isnt it? Just a few more pushes my girl, you can do it.

Thanks for the little bit of merriment at the end Pangolin. 🙂 Very apt too.

Hi

I really appreciate your advice, Im feeling better now, did have a bit of a melt down earlier and started to doubt myself.

I will be telling my husband and he will be dealing with if our son if he wants to I doubt he will he'll probably tell him to get lost and grow up. Pangolin you are right he doesnt call his Dad, cant get to his dad as much as he does me, my husband quite happily tells him to get his head out of his **** and walks away and doesnt give it a second thought, no matter what insults are lobbed at him. I havent heard from him for weeks and I dont even know why I answered this time, I think I just live in hope that maybe this is the time hes getting help and wants to put things right with us, I should of known better, I wont be answering again.

I feel a bit guilty saying this but I have wished for this day for a long time, court is definetly going to happen, its past dmp stage, which he defaulted on ages ago and his debt is now double what I thought it was, and this is just to one company. He owes a lot more to a lot of different companies so Im guessing this is just the start of legal action.

We have told him many times that we will support him, moral support as you say wal, we wont give him a penny, he does still think that we should give money though. Its time he faces what hes done, he needs a big fright and be made to face what hes done so far hes done his best to run away from everything and he cant anymore. I hope you are right wal and the judge makes him go to to GA. Pangolin I was actually hoping that he would have to go to court and face the judge, but all the same I hope this is the shock he so badly needs. I dont know how hes managed to avoid this for so long, he runs away from anyone and anything that makes him uncomfortable and god forbid you mention the gambling word and he really goes off one and thats when he gets nasty.

Hopefully he will get well and this is the start of it, but for me when/if that ever happens I need to tell him what hes done to us. Some may say thats not a good idea because he already feels so low but what about us, its ripped apart my family and Im so angry at him, it will be a deal breaker for me and he will either chose to take it on the chin or not but either way I need to tell him. Im so angry now that I even thought about going into where he works, to tell him what I think - he works in a cafe, I wont, but its tempting, hes a different character at work all quiet and polite not the nasty mouthed bully we lived with. Sorry went off on a bit of a tangent then 🙂

Im going to do just waht you suggested Pangolin, Im going to have a look through Netflix for a comedy to watch later could do with a laugh - and Im even going to get the chocolate out, do my best to avoid the stuff but its needed today 🙂 And Pangolin as it happens he was flippin awkward coming into this world he was a big baby

Thanks again guys 🙂

As67.

Sorry to read that you have been again emotionally effected by the actions of your son.

I myself was in the same position myself, I defaulted on pretty much every payment of anything towards the end of my gambling life, eventually defaulting on the house payments resulting in an eviction notice being served.

That notice was only not executed because my wife got a stay hearing on the actual day of the eviction, we both attended and I was told plainly by the judge that if my wife had known anything about the eviction it would have been granted and that furthermore without her actions and ability to maintain repayments with or without my presence because the bottom line was he had little or no belief in anything I said.

He turned to me after granting the stay of the warrant of eviction and said I hope you seek help.

I had attended my first GA meeting the previous night and in truth was a broken man.

Your son will not be forced to attend GA , no such thing happens and truthfully for good reason.

The black and white of your son's gambling addiction is until he seeks recovery nobody can or will be able to help him.

For twenty years I played lip service countless times in order to deceive folk that gambling was not a problem, only to inwardly keep active, I would have sold my own mother out to fund a punt, that is the truth of it.

Please speak to your husband, don't let addiction become a wedge between you.

I am to guilty of causing much emotional damage to my mother's relationship with her husband throughout my own gambling life.

Today I work hard to make amends, to rebuild the trust I gave willingly to addiction.

Your son made his own bed, he is a grown man who has to take full responsibility for his actions.

Be a support to him, the support my own mum gifts me is of great help, but I know that had I not sought recovery any support would have been futile.

Recovery awaits you son I sincerely hope that he actively seeks it,because with it his life can change immeasurably and his relationship with you to boot.

Sorry if what I have written is not what you want to hear, but I write from experience

A huge lesson recovery has gifted my life, my honesty back.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks duncanmac

I do hope that court is enough of a shock to get him to want help but if he continues the way hes been going and he can get out of looking for help he will. He has promised several times to get help but when it came to it he wouldnt so if theres any chance he can continue to gamble I know he will. Everytime something happens that I think will be his rock bottom Ive been proven wrong and he seems to wriggle out of what ever it is, I hope that isnt the case this time

We didnt know it at the time but he used our address when he opened all of these accounts so any of the debt collectors that these companies have threatened him with will come here, and Im scared stiff of that happening, there have been many letters of this type.. He was at university and lived away during the week and came home every weekend and holidays so this was his home but since he moved out he hasnt changed his address and all his post still comes here which we forward on to him. We have told him to change his address but he wont and we cant do it for him, - Ive tried - but he has to be the one who does it. I wouldnt really bother but know most of his post is debt related and he should read it and as Ive already said he runs away from everything and will from his post if possible.

I know its the addiction but its very hard to accept that our son doesnt care about us in the slightest Id actually go as far as to say that I believe he would step over my dead body to get to my purse. I never would of thought it possible for him to do or say some of things he has.

I have told my husband and it did start yet another argument and Im not really sure why because we both just want our son to get well. I think my husband is more matter of fact and says it quite bluntly how it is, he's right in everything he says its just I get more upset than he does and hurt by some of the things our son says and does. I wish I could see things the way he does, its either black or white , no grey areas.

I admire your honesty and it does help I want to hear it warts and all, it gives me some insight into my sons thinking and it helps to toughen me up, which I still need.

He is an adult and his consequences are way over due and I hope they come soon, this is exhausting. What ever happens with him is his doing I know weve done our best. All this time we have offered him moral support but at this moment in time i dont even think I can offer him that, I just cant keep doing this.

Anyway another lesson learned, Im not as tough as I thought I was or thought he could manipulate me any more, both something to work on at next weeks counselling.

And just for Pangolin tonights film will be Something about Mary 🙂 an old one but still one of the best.

Thats a good choice, a very silly film.

😀

You are doing everything you can as67... sometimes it just plain hurts!

This forum works very much like a Gam Anon meeting. We come on confused, angry, and sad. We doubt everything we are doing and feel so lost.Then we are honest and share what's going on and you get all these great replies from the people who KNOW what it feels like to be in your shoes. It gives you strength and perspective. You are not alone!

It's not easy and I don't think many of us are able to do what needs to be done without self-doubt and a lot of tears. However, everytime you can allow for the natural consequeces , you will get a little stronger and more importantly your son will definitely start noticing the change in the dance.

Like the others say ,if there has to be communication let your husband handle it. You have come so far and should be so proud of yourself!

Something About Mary and perhaps a glass of wine sounds like a perfect night... wish I was close enough to pop over and share with you!!

Take Care

Cathy

Hi

I thought yesterday I was going to spend the day as I have far too many times in tears but I didnt, it turned out ok. The flim was as stupid laugh out loud and brilliant as always and the chocie n glass or two of wine helped too, Amom would of loved your company 🙂

Amom and Pangolin you always word things far better than I can, and as always you are spot on it takes someone who has been there, done that to really know what this feels like.

I hate the self doubt, and feel like Ive gone several steps back when I have moments like that especially when Ive been feeling better. It does show yet again that its best I dont speak to our son, and I was better for it until yesterday maybe I was hoping this time would be different. It will be better for my husband to speak if he does call back hes calm and can do and say what needs to be done.

I know I have to just sit back and wait, we just need keep going with the tough love and we will, and in the end Im sure he will see its because we love him. Ive accepted that while he gambles he cant see reason and we are the bad guys because we tell him his behaviour is unacceptable or as my husband says we are his conscience, Im sure hes right.

Im ok Im doing my best and Im actually handling things better than I thought I would a few weeks ago, and I learn something new every time I have a day like yesterday. I saw him last week but he didnt see me and it took all of my strength not to go up and hug him, I miss him so much it hurts and that part isnt getting any easier. I just keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end.

Thanks again 🙂

Have a great day as67... This to shall pass!

Be good to yourself 🙂

Cathy