Hiya I’ve posted for advice and support a few times here .. I knew it would be only a matter of time before I was back. My partner of 23years has always gambled he got worse and in 2021 i found out he had again lost a lot of money and also cheated on me . Stupidity on my part ..5 years later I’m still with him.  And so the cycle continues.. bets and losses loads I always find out and only then he will confess. I take his cards he puts band in place but then a year or so later he goes back and does it all again . There’s been 5/6 blips as he calls them or relapses. Taking his cards only lasts a few months before he starts to claim he’s in a good place and I’m so busy with the kids and my own life I just give him it when he asks . So the latest blip happened a few days ago. I was night shift and I always get a weird sixth sense when he’s actively betting so I looked at the home camera and  I saw he went out at 8:39 and didn’t come home till 1.20am . I msged him a few times and sed where are you ? And I he replied that was sleeping and his mobile was on charge. I knew straight away he had been out betting . I came home at 7:30 Saturday morning and he was sitting up waiting I got the usual.. I’ve done something stupid I’m really sorry nearly crying he had been to an amusement centre and lost £500 . I’m numb as usual I’ve gone into fight or flight mode and I’m stress to hell with it all yet again . However he’s now saying ..well I’ve been watching loads of documentaries on gambling and this is normal and it’s normal to have relapses now and then  the way he’s now passing this off it’s like it’s a process and it’s expected is actually soul destroying.  He’s had blip after blip ! Now he’s acting like this is ok! He’s put them bans back in place and he’s basically saying word for word exactly what he’s said all the other times ! I’m so bloody tired of this .. but I  can’t leave . Our youngest isn’t doing great mentally ( he’s in his last year of school exam pressure)and it would destroy him if we separated.  Any advice? I just don’t believe a word he says anymore and this mindset he has now it’s like his get out of jail card.. he never just takes responsibility for anything it’s always excuses or blaming someone else for his behaviour. I’m wrung out with it all x
Hi @nomorelee,Â
I'm sorry to hear you have been going through this. It's very hard to be the affected other of someone who gambles. Even though they have this addiction, they are still our partners/friends/family and it can be hard to leave them or separate the side to them that we love.Â
You say things got worse in 2021, do you know why this may be the case? is your partner getting any help/support with their addiction?Â
I can totally understand why you don't want to leave him when you have a child to protect, but it is also very important to take care and protect yourself. This addiction is suffocating and damaging for all involved and so I think it would be good for you to priorities your own mental health. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? a friend/family member? Have you heard of Breakeven? They offer support/counselling to both gamblers and people affected by a loved ones gambling. They also run various support groups including one for women who are affected by their partners gambling which i would highly recommend.Â
Coming to Gamcare is a good starting point and I am glad you were able to share your story because it sounds like you have been through a lot and you deserve support to help you deal with this.Â
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Kind Regards,Â
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JadeÂ
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I think at some stage you have to accept they are not blips and he is still fully committed too gamblingÂ
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it doesn't sound like he is anywhere near ready for a proper recoveryÂ
@pertwnj0u2 hi thanks for the reply .. no nothing major happened I think I just started to notice how bad it was .. the kids got older so less attention on them and I could look at our relationship more . He has had help in the past every time he relapsed he will put band in place and say he’s done but it’s always me telling him all the things he needs to do .. counselling is always Beneficial I think but he always lets it slide.. it’s too expensive or the hours they work aren’t fitting in ( tbf to him necca were good but they kept cancelling and they could only do office hours for a phone call .. he works Monday til Friday afternoon ) but he always says he’s in a good place when I remind him he is supposed to keep working on himself constantly.. he has ocd and I think he has a bit of autism too but he strongly denies that.  I’m just sick hearing the same words over and over .. and he only cries when he’s caught . He’s so childlike and thoughtless in every aspect of life he just exists nothing else . I’m sick of been the strong one cos I’m not anymore I feel weak.
@3y9voe5ub8 I think your absolutely right he believes now after watching documentaries on gambling ( I told him to read and watch thinking it would give him an idea of how his brain is working and how it affects everything and everyone) but he’s took it in a different way and is saying it’s just the process on getting better and it’s expect that he will have blips now n then ?!? He is totally delusional.
@pertwnj0u2 I have heard of breakeven but we are in the north east of uk so not sure if they could help . He’s been to ga but he sed most of them still played lottery and 2p machines and it feel wrong so stopped going . Also went he previously relapsed about 2years ago he actually called in at a betting shop ONROUTE TO GA!!  Then actually attended and kept his mouth shut! I put a tracker in his car so I knew exactly where he was and what he was doing .. and again he only admitted when I proved it! He’s is unbelievable!
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