Hi I am looking for a bit of advice. My ex partner has been a compulsive gambler since he was a teenager (now in our 30s) a few years into our relationship I discovered his addiction when going to buy our first house. In summer of 2024 I discovered he was still gambling and he began GA classes. His debt got too much and in the November he admitted to me how big the problem was. I took a loan out for him to consolidate the debt which he paid every month and I had full visability of his finances. He was doing well attending classes every week however didn't open up to me much and caused some friction between us. I felt he didn’t appreciate what I had done regarding the loan and he felt a burden and that I kept bringing it up so it hung over us despite how hard he was trying.
This caused him to turn his head and ultimately he cheated on me with a co worker and we split up. He has since gone back to gambling. We are in regular contact as we still share a house. I know he is back in debt. I would like some advice on how best to support him as because we are not together he says it’s no one’s problem but his own and he knows he needs to seek help to sort it out, but doesn’t want to involve anyone else. It is difficult as he is going away to work overseas for weeks at a time so can’t attend his regular classes.  I know he is isolating himself and I want to help. I have never seen him lower.Â
I’d also love to hear from anyone who is in a similar situation to me with cheating involved after giving up gambling. If you feel it was chasing the buzz of something forbidden or why you think the cause is (he would never of done this before). He says he doesn’t want us to sort things out romantically as he has ruined everything in our relationship by letting someone else get close. I love him and would try to forgive as I feel it is a symptom of his disease and breakdown of communication in our relationship which we could work on with support.Â
Really nervous to post so thanks in advance for any advice xÂ
Hi Anonymous
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing. It sounds like you’re very worried about your ex partner and you want to help him. It’s also important for you to take care of yourself too. Hopefully you will get some advice here, from other forum users in time. However, in the meantime, our helpline is always available if you’d like to talk through your worries and get some advice. Chat to us now - GamCare
All the best
Jane
Forum Admin
Firstly you sound like and amazing and understanding supportive partner who has stood by through everything.Â
I am all about helping people but sometimes we can help to the point of 'doing for' someone rather than supporting them to do for themselves. I think sometimes we need to feel the consequence in order to make the changes. Change only happens when someone is ready and you cant change for someone, although they can motivate.Â
I think being there and being a listening ear is enough but you've got to take care of you and move forward. With any addiction comes lies and sometimes manipulative behaviours, its a symptoms and family often get caught up in that especially after all of those years. Whilst you can be there i suggest you seek some support too as the relationship has likely taken its toll on your own mental wellbeing.Â
There is so much support out there for him and he is aware of that its down to him now to make those changes. Not easy at all and I sympathise with him whole heartedly but thinking of you in this situation you need to look after you.Â
As for the cheating it may or not be connected to that serotonin seeking behaviour but regardless that is a possible reason not an excuseÂ
I'd always say what advice would you give a close friend or family member in your shoes.
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I hope this helps.
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